Chapter 5 CHAPTER
CHAPTER 005
Emilia's POV
I can barely breathe. The air seems thick and heavy. Every time I think I can focus, something distracts my attention away from what happened last night: His touch. Even though it was only brief—only seconds of his skin on mine—yet those few seconds changed everything for me.
My ankle still hurts, but that doesn't compare with how my feelings have changed. I tried ignoring it for as long as possible, but now I just can't do that anymore; something has clearly shifted between Niklas and me; something about his eyes has changed; it seems as if something has been hidden away somewhere within them that's holding something back from us both.
I've always known we shared an affinity, but lately it feels deeper. There's tension, an energy that resonates when we're together in one room, that I don't know how to handle.
I decide it's time for us to have a serious talk. No longer can I pretend I don't feel what I feel and allow awkwardness to exist within us; we must let him in on everything going on so he understands exactly what's going on, even if it means confronting something difficult or uncomfortable.
As I wait, a soft orange glow illuminates through my windows, and I finally make sure Niklas has returned home. I find him sitting on his couch, trying to put off thinking.
"Niklas," I stated with calm but increasing tension. "We must speak."
"About what?" He stares up at me with an eyebrow furrowed but doesn't move.
"About everything." I crossed the room to him and sat next to him, trying to ignore my chest's beating. "Niklas, I know something is amiss between us; something seems off." Neither one could pretend like they didn't notice.
"I don't understand what you are talking about, Emilia. Everything's fine." His jaw tightened.
"Don't lie to me. My voice shakes with emotion as I make this demand. Something has changed; we cannot simply dismiss this."
Niklas ran his hands through his hair, looking as though he were frustrated and uncertain about how to best resolve the situation. "It's complicated," he admitted drily.
"Complicated!" I exclaimed angrily. "You act like nothing happened between us when in fact it did; don't pretend like nothing is wrong!" "Stop trying to pretend there's nothing going on!" I insisted.
He doesn't speak, yet his eyes remain fixed on the floor as though in internal battle mode. I can see his internal turmoil manifested by his tension-filled shoulders; something about this guy makes him struggle in some way that I cannot fathom.
"Niklas, I'm no longer the little girl you used to protect. I know there's something going on between us; your eyes show it." I leaned forward in frustration.
He remains silent for an extended period of time, and I feel as if I am waiting for him to decide whether or not to tell me the truth or isolate himself completely from communicating.
"I don't know what to say, Emilia. I have been trying to figure it out myself."
My heart races with hope or fear. "So, what are we trying to figure out?" I ask myself.
Niklas looked at me with uncharacteristically vacant eyes as he explained, "I don't know how to do this without upsetting everything between us; without hurting either one of you—especially your brother.
"Why would I worry about you, Brother?" I replied incredulously.
He nods, gently touching his face with his hand. "I can't risk that. I don't want to lose you as my friend—or, more specifically, Emilia—anyhow."
His words struck me like a punch to the gut. I could feel their weight, his fears—yet they cut deep like nothing before.
"Do you think this will hurt?" I asked quietly, not audibly enough for Niklas to hear. "I am no longer a little girl; instead, I need you to be honest with me about how my feelings affect you and me.
Niklas pulls back, and his lips tighten in response. "I don't wish to hurt you or cause awkwardness between us; however, it may become uncomfortable, and I'm uncertain that I can manage that situation."
"So, are we just pretending like nothing has changed?" I ask myself. "Sure, why shouldn't I act as though everything's fine?" I continue.
"I don't know what else to do," he responds quietly, "but I can't risk ruining what we have together.
His words echo in my head, and tears threaten to fall. I don't know which is worse: that he is pushing me away or that he doesn't yet know what he wants from our relationship.
"Niklas, this can't keep happening!" I warn, my voice quivering. "You cannot run from what's right in front of you!"
"I'm not running away," he protests with an air of uncertainty in his voice, "but I just...I don't know what to do anymore and don't want to upset anything.
His words hang heavy with unspoken emotion, and, for an instant, I feel my entire world crumbling away—my heart racing and mind spinning, all I wanted was someone to take a decision, yet they remain frozen in place—it's frustratingly stuck between two trees.
"I don't expect you to make a decision right away," I say, my voice becoming softened, "but pretending everything is fine is no longer feasible for me. Something needs to change now; stop dodging this issue."
Niklas looks at me with eyes filled with uncertainty. "Emilia... I don't know what to do; how can we fix this?" he laments.
"Just... stop running away from what has changed. Because it has. And I cannot keep living in this indefinite state of limbo." My voice cracked, but that did not matter as I needed a solution quickly. "Simply... stop pretending like nothing has changed; that is just not good enough!"
He stands up slowly, his expression still pained by what had just transpired. "I apologize. I didn't mean to cause you any distress; this wasn't my intent."
"Why don't you do anything about it?" I inquire, my words coming across more sharply than intended.
Niklas takes a deep breath before shaking his head sadly and exclaiming, "I don't know what to do anymore." He rubs his hands over his hair in frustration before turning back towards Niklas' chair to face him again. "I don't know what else can be done."
As I take a deep breath, feeling as if the walls are closing in around me, I don't know what to do either. One thing's for certain though—something needs to change. My body and mind tell me there must be change—they tell me I must say something, make him see my truthful emotions... so they know they need me in their lives too.
But I don't know if that will ever happen.
Does he care for me in the same way I care about him, or am I just waiting for something that won't ever happen?
I can't stop thinking about him and hoping that maybe, just maybe, he will come towards me.
But what if he doesn't? Will I remain here, waiting forever for something that never arrives?