Chapter 2 CHAPTER
Chapter 002
Niklas's POV
I keep reminding myself I have to keep my distance. I need to maintain the status quo. She is still the sister of my best friend, hence, nothing should ever stray from that line. But it's difficult. It gets increasingly difficult for me to overlook her altered behavior the more time I spend with her.
As a small child, I used to see her constantly there and was always so naive. Every time I look at her now, I am struck by how much she has grown. She is no longer that little thing looking up to me. She now screws with my head and is this gorgeous, strong woman.
I strive to follow the accepted schedule. However, it doesn't always go as planned. We eat together, we chat about arbitrary stuff, and everything is good. Between us, there is a strange tension lingering. Every moment our eyes cross, something unspoken exists. Though we both know what is happening, we are unable to express it clearly.
Between us, there is a lot of quiet. I weigh it every time we sit down to eat. Though my thoughts keep returning to her, I try to pay attention to the talk. I try to pay attention to the way she occasionally treats me.
She says nonchalantly, shattering the quiet, "Pass the salt."
I go for it, but my palm just brushes hers, and I stop momentarily. My heart begins to race as her skin radiates heat. As if I had accidentally touched a live wire, I quickly withdrew my hand. She says nothing, but I can tell she noticed. Right now I cannot look her in the eye.
We keep eating; however, the stress is intolerable. Every minute seems to last an hour, and I can only focus on how gorgeous she has gotten.
I am in the living room attempting to divert myself later that evening. Though not truly seeing it, I'm fixated on the TV. I'm thinking about her, about her appearance when she smiles or becomes irate. She is all I can consider.
"Hey," her voice pulls me out of my head. I look over and see her standing in the doorway, her face insensate. "Can we converse?"
I nod, my heart thumping in time. Yes, definitely. What is going on?
She sits down across from me, appearing to be trying to find her voice. I sense it in the air: whatever she says will transform things.
"I am not a youngster anymore, Niklas," she replies gently. "Although I know you still see me like that, I am not. I am not that little kid who used to follow you around.
My chest gets stiff. What to say about it is not clear-cut. She corrects me. She is no longer a young child. Still, my best friend's sister is something I can't get beyond.
Not sure how to respond, I finally mumble, "I know you're not a kid."
She stares at me, and her eyes seem to capture my breath, stopping it. "Then why do you treat me like a stranger? Why do you seem to be always pulling back from me?
I feel as though I have been gut-punched. She makes sense. I'm holding back. I'm doing this as I understand the consequences of allowing my guard down. Things will get messy if I let myself feel anything for her.
"I'm simply trying to be cautious, but even I can tell it's a flimsy justification,"
She responds, "You're trying to protect me," and her voice sounds frustrated. I do not, however, require protection. Not a child; I do not feel weak.
I swallow forcefully. "I never said you were."
She stooped forward, fixed on me. "Then why do you continue to behave as though I cannot manage things? Are you acting as though I should be shielded from everything?
Her remarks pierced me deeply, leaving me momentarily unsure of how to respond. I have always wanted to protect her. Always have I had. However, there's more to it than that. That sensation fills my chest when she is close by. Every time she is near, my heart races around her. It evokes a sense of danger.
Admittedly feeling vulnerable, "I have no idea what to say."
She stares at me and softens her face. "You have nothing to say." Simply put, you should quit treating me as if I were delicate. This is not the case at all.
For a lengthy period, the stillness hangs between us, and I'm not sure what to do. Though I want to reach out to her and tell her all I have been holding back, I do not. Rather, I freeze there, my heart thumping in my chest.
She moves in her seat, and I see her arm exposed beneath her shirt's sleeve. I went to touch her arm without thinking. But my thoughts catch up with me as my fingertips stroke her flesh, and I swiftly draw back my hand.
What exactly am I doing?
Her eyes widen, and she looks at me as though she is waiting for some justification. However, I don't have one. I am unable to articulate it. Why I feel this need to distance myself when all I want to do is reach out to her is beyond me.
I glance at her, my chest constricting. I want her to know how much I love her and how scared I am of what we are growing to be. But the words will not arrive.
I am unable to do this. I cannot allow myself to feel this way about her.
Finally, my voice hoarse, "You're right." You are no young person anymore. I'm not ready for this, though.
She looks at me; her expression is blank, and for a time I'm not sure what she's thinking. I guess she might be relieved or dissatisfied.
She does not say anything, though. She simply gets up, her gaze still fixed on me.
Quietly, "I'll figure it out," she adds before turning and leaving the room.
I sat there, weighed down by what just happened. I ought to have said something else. I need to have clarified myself. I didn't, however. I now face silence and uncertainty about the implications this holds for us.
I pulled away for what reason? Was it because I'm worried about what this teenager is becoming or because I'm trying to guard her?
Neither do I know the response. Still, I am aware that our relationship will never be the same once more.
Currently what? Next?