Chapter 4
I decided to send a test message to see exactly how limited Mike's texting abilities were.
Jess: "Morning babe! 🌅 Hope you slept well. I was thinking about our conversation last night, and I really appreciate you opening up about your work. I know it's stressful, and I want you to know I'm here for you. Maybe this weekend we could do something relaxing together? I saw there's a farmers market on Saturday, or we could just stay in and watch Netflix. Whatever you prefer! Also, don't forget we have dinner at Madison and Brad's on Sunday - she's cooking Italian! Let me know if you need anything today. Love you lots! 💕💕💕"
I waited four hours.
Mike: "👍"
One thumbs up. For my three lines of heartfelt message, he replied with a thumbs up emoji.
I screenshot it and sent it to my group chat:
Jess: "I think I married a robot 🤖"
Madison: "A hot robot though"
Ashley: "Better than my ex who wrote novels about his feelings"
Taylor: "You need to have a talk with him"
But how do you talk to someone whose communication style is like a telegram?
That afternoon, I tried a more direct approach:
Jess: "Mike, can we talk about texting? I feel like we're not really communicating"
Thirty minutes later:
Mike: "What about texting"
What about texting. This man might be the only millennial in the world who doesn't understand texting etiquette.
Jess: "Well, when I send long messages, and you reply with just K or thumbs up, it makes me feel like you don't want to talk to me"
Mike: "Sorry"
Jess: "It's okay! I just want to understand how you prefer to communicate. Are you more of a phone call person?"
Mike: "Not really"
Jess: "Email?"
Mike: "No"
Jess: "In person?"
Mike: "I guess"
"Mike," I sat next to him on the couch after dinner, "we need to figure this out."
He put down the remote control and gave me his full attention. That was already progress.
"The texting thing isn't working for me," I said. "I need more communication than thumbs up emojis."
"I'm not good at texting," he said. "Never have been."
"But you're good at talking. Like right now. We're having a normal conversation."
"That's different."
"How?"
He frowned, like he was thinking about a complicated math problem. "When I text, I don't know... the tone. I can't tell if you're angry or joking or what. So I keep it short."
Oh. This actually makes sense. He's not being deliberately rude, he's just digitally challenged. This is something I can work with.
"Okay," I said. "What if we make a deal?"
"What kind of deal?"
"You try to send longer texts - even just complete sentences. And I'll try to be more direct about what I need."
"Like what?"
"Like, instead of asking how your day was with a bunch of hearts, I could ask 'Are you safe?' or 'When will you be home?' Simple questions."
He nodded. "That sounds... doable."
"And Mike? When I text you that I love you, you don't have to write a poem back. But maybe something more than a thumbs up?"
"Like what?"
"Like 'love you too' or even just 'same'?"
"Same?"
"Yeah. It's short but it means something."
He considered this. "Okay. I can do 'same'."
This is the most bizarre negotiation of my life, but if it can stop me from having a mental breakdown over his monosyllabic responses, I'm willing to try.
"Deal?" I held out my hand.
He shook it. "Deal."
Then his phone rang. Work call.
"Sorry," he said, already standing up to answer. "I have to—"
"Take it," I said. "Just remember our deal tomorrow."
The next morning, I sent my first test message:
Jess: "Good morning! Are you safe?"
Fifteen minutes later:
Mike: "Yes. At station doing paperwork."
I almost jumped out of my chair. A complete sentence! With actual information!
Jess: "Thanks for letting me know! Have a good day"
Mike: "You too"
Progress. Actual, measurable progress. He said "you too" instead of sending a thumbs up. This is as rare and wonderful as spotting a unicorn.
At lunchtime:
Jess: "Lunch break? I'm having the worst day - client hated all the posts I made"
Mike: "Sorry that sucks. Want me to arrest them?"
I laughed out loud. He made a joke. Through text. This was a miracle.
Jess: "Yes please 😂"
Mike: "😂"
He used a laughing emoji. Not a thumbs up, not just K, but an actual emoji response. I screenshot it and sent it to my group chat like a proud parent showing off their kid's first words.
Maybe, I thought, maybe we could actually make this work.
Who knows? Maybe in a few months, Mike Sullivan might even learn to use GIFs. The thought makes me want to laugh now, but stranger things have happened. After all, I did drunkenly marry a cop I'd just met, and now we're negotiating emoji usage. Life is weird, but weird might be exactly what I need.