Chapter 1
Zoe's crying pulled me from sleep at 2:17 AM. After six weeks of this routine, I could tell time by my daughter's hunger schedule. My body moved on autopilot, hand instinctively rubbing the tender spot where my C-section scar was still healing as I pushed myself up from the mattress.
I reached over to Kieran's side out of habit, expecting warmth but finding only cool sheets. Bathroom break, I figured, running fingers through my tangled hair. He'd been putting in crazy hours at work lately, trying to make up for the income hit from my unpaid leave. Poor guy deserved some decent sleep.
I shuffled down the hallway in my oversized nursing shirt, the hardwood cold against my bare feet. Six weeks postpartum and I still felt like I was living in someone else's body – softer, stranger, but somehow more purposeful than before. When Zoe cried, nothing else mattered.
But as I got closer to her room, the crying stopped.
I paused outside her door, listening. Maybe she'd drifted back off? Then I heard something else – low voices, soft laughter. My tired brain tried to process this. Kieran must be in there with Anya, maybe showing her something about Zoe's routine.
My first thought was purely mom-brain: "They're being so loud. The sound will wake her up again."
Through the crack in the doorway, I could see two figures by Zoe's crib. Had to be Kieran showing our nanny something about the night routine. Anya had been amazing these past weeks – I'd honestly felt lucky to find someone who clicked so well with both Kieran and Zoe.
Wait. Something was off about their body language. They were standing way too close. And those soft sounds definitely weren't about baby care.
No, I told myself firmly. I'm being paranoid. Sleep deprivation is making me see things that aren't there.
Then I heard Kieran's voice, that familiar bedroom whisper: "You feel so perfect... just like I always imagined."
Those words hit me like a punch to the gut. The exact same words he'd breathed in my ear on our wedding night. Words that had made me feel like I was the only woman in the world.
Words he was now saying to someone else.
This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
But as my eyes adjusted to the dim glow of Zoe's nightlight, the truth became sickeningly clear. Kieran pressed against Anya beside our daughter's crib, his hands tangled in her blonde hair, her back arched into him like they'd done this a million times before.
"What if she finds out?" Anya's voice, breathy and worried.
"She won't." Kieran sounded so casual, so sure. "She's dead to the world these days. You're so much more responsive than—"
He didn't finish the sentence. He didn't need to.
Than me. His wife. The woman who'd pushed his child into the world six weeks ago.
I stumbled backward from the door, hand clamped over my mouth to stop the sob building in my throat. My legs felt like they might give out, and the hallway seemed to tilt around me.
In Zoe's room. In our daughter's room. In the one place that was supposed to be pure and innocent and safe.
The memory slammed into me – just six weeks ago, in that same room, Kieran had knelt beside the crib with tears in his eyes. He'd been so gentle changing Zoe's first diaper, so careful with her tiny limbs. "I'm gonna be the best daddy in the world," he'd promised, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Nothing will ever hurt you, sweetheart. Daddy's always gonna protect you."
But now he was ruining the very space where our daughter slept. Where I'd spent countless hours nursing her, singing lullabies, making promises about her future. Where I'd felt more connected to my purpose as a mother than anywhere else.
I made it back to our bedroom somehow, legs shaking like crazy. Something drove me to check the nightstand drawer – I needed to know, needed to understand. And there it was, sitting there like it belonged: a tube of personal lubricant I'd never seen before. Expensive stuff, barely used but definitely opened.
We've never needed this. Ever.
When had this appeared? How had I missed it? But then, when was the last time Kieran and I had been intimate? He'd been "giving me space" before Zoe was born, "letting me recover" after.
Letting me recover while he got his needs met elsewhere.
The worst part wasn't the cheating itself. It was how stupid I'd been. How grateful I'd felt when he praised Anya's work. How relieved I'd been that they got along so well. I'd actually thanked him for being patient with my recovery.
Footsteps on the stairs snapped me back to reality. I shoved the tube back in the drawer and dove under the covers, forcing my breathing to slow. The mattress dipped as Kieran slipped back into bed, and I squeezed my eyes shut, playing dead.
The question burned through my mind, refusing to let go:
How long had this been going on?