03 Going Through The Motions 2
I locked the door behind me and slid down, my back pressed against the wood as I crumbled to the floor. Hugging my knees tightly to my chest, I finally let the dam break. Tears poured down my face as sobs wracked my body. Everything I had bottled up came rushing out—the betrayal, the humiliation, the anger, the hopelessness.
I thought about Tomas and how I had faced him today. I didn’t know where I had found the strength to stand up to him. He could have punished me, hurt me, or humiliated me further. As a beta, he had the power to do whatever he wanted, and no one would have stopped him. But he didn’t. Maybe he felt guilty, though that seemed unlikely after the heartless things he said. Maybe he owed me that much after using me and throwing me away.
I wept because, deep down, I had always known it would end this way. My gut had screamed at me to be cautious, to guard my heart, but I had ignored it. Tomas had made me a laughingstock, and my father had made our family easy prey. The pain of it all left me seething with anger—at Tomas, at my father, at myself, and even at the goddess who seemed to have turned her back on me. Where was the goodness I deserved? Where was the fairness?
Needing an escape, I reached for the journal where I wrote about Declan, the man who haunted my dreams. His presence in my life felt like a cruel joke, a perfect fantasy that mocked the emptiness of my reality. I flipped through the pages but couldn’t focus. A dark part of me wished I could control the dreams, find a way to induce permanent sleep, and stay with Declan forever. In that dream world, I was a queen. I was adored, cherished. I wasn’t reduced to my breed or my family’s mistakes. I was just me. Why couldn’t life be like that?
Unable to read any further, I put the journal down and went to shower. As I scrubbed my body, memories of Tomas touching me surfaced, each one a stab to my soul. I hated myself for ever letting him close, for letting him take parts of me I could never get back. My hands moved harshly, scrubbing until my skin was raw and burning, as if I could scrub away his scent, his touch, his betrayal.
When I stepped out of the shower, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I stood there, naked and vulnerable, staring at myself with hollow eyes. If beauty could get a woman anywhere, I should have been at the top. Instead, I was stuck at the bottom, powerless, with no way out. The ache in my chest deepened, but there was no one to hear my silent screams.
My phone rang, breaking the suffocating silence. For a moment, I didn’t want to answer it. That phone, a luxury Tomas had paid for, felt like another reminder of what I’d lost. Soon, I’d have to let it go and rely on the pack’s communal pay phones. I glanced at the screen. It was Heather Leeson, my best friend.
I hesitated but knew she wouldn’t stop calling until I picked up. Composing myself as best I could, I answered. “Hello,” I managed to say, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Thank the goddess you’re okay, Emma,” Heather said, her voice filled with relief. “I’m on my way to you now. I’ll be staying over, too.” Before I could protest, she hung up.
Heather’s family was better off than mine. They weren’t wealthy, but they had enough to get by. She didn’t live with the constant shame and suffocating burden of debt. Yet she had never once looked down on me, even after my father’s gambling had ruined us. Heather had been my rock through it all.
I pulled on a t-shirt and waited for her in my room. Soon enough, she arrived with a bowl of ice cream in hand and immediately wrapped me in a hug. All my efforts to hold myself together crumbled as I felt her arms around me. The tears I had been holding back spilled freely, and I cried into her shoulder, letting out everything I had been bottling up.
“It’s okay to cry, darling,” Heather whispered, her voice gentle and soothing. “It’s okay.”
She held me while I sobbed, saying nothing more. Heather understood me like no one else did. She knew that I didn’t need questions or advice, just someone to be there for me. She had been my friend before my family’s fall from grace, and she remained my friend after. That loyalty meant more to me than I could express.
After a while, when my tears slowed and I finally pulled away, she spoke. “I think you should travel, Emma. You don’t need to stay here and watch them get married.”
Her words made sense, but I shook my head. “I’d love to leave, but I don’t have any money. I was going to walk to my interview today before… before everything happened.”
Heather’s expression softened with sympathy. “Have you tried looking for jobs outside our pack?” she asked.
I hesitated, biting my lip. “Do you think the Alpha would be okay with me working outside his territory?” I asked, knowing the answer even before she shrugged her shoulders.