Chapter 2
Aliyana
Present day
The darkness can be the setting for one's nightmare or the sign of one's escape. There are instances between life and death, decisions we need to make.
Only when we are weighing our options thinking we chose the most plausible of the lot, we have no idea that the selections we end up making, can sometimes have drastic consequences.
Like the people who killed my friend, Ren. They had no idea when they pulled that trigger, we were going to catch up to them so easily. Stupid people. The one who betrayed us had no inclination that we would ever find out.
We have, well, I have. And right now, I am the one with the trump card. But showing my hand too early would not be wise so I bite my tongue. Waiting.
The long skinny brush hangs by the tails end through my nimble fingers as the brown colored tip glides across the roughened canvas, reminding me, how easy one small simple judgment can influence a vast amount of other aspects. We are the product of our choices. And most of the time we screw it up, royally.
What we do, what we say, where we end up is all part of who we choose. Yes, who. Because it all comes down to you verse everyone else.
Like this painting, I chose the brown thinking it was going to bring a balance to the grey clouds, but all it brings is duller, faded shades of grief.
In the not too different past, I assumed that life wasn't a nomination of oneself but the rulings of the ones around me. My opinion on that changed, the day Marco Catelli walked out of my life. My ‘take' on a lot of things have changed since then. Including my interpretation on the word ‘art'. Once a form of indulgence, now my promise of vengeance. How easily is the heart tainted by its adversary, rejection.
There are internal landmarks since the day Marco walked out on me. Days when I feel a hollowness, like I'm missing something so full. Yes, full, because it is all I can feel, it is all I want to feel. Fulfilment
Only now I am full of pain and nothingness.
I push it back, as that thick lodging in my throat reminds me of how empty I am, and how pale my existence has become. In the darkness of my bedroom I convince myself I'd wake up, I'd be numb, the pain I feel would be a passing and all that matters now and mattered before would be here, in my world.
All those people would be around, smiling at me, looking me in the eyes and telling me that it was just a dream. Yes, it would be one heck of a choice to believe this is a dream, to convince myself that my life, my lack thereof is a bad nightmare.
But life never works that way. Life is meant to be difficult. Smooth sailing is a joke, nothing is ever simple, and if anyone tries convinces you different, then I suggest you have your Glock against their head for spewing shit to you. Because life is hard, your battles aren't like everyone else but doesn't make them any less real.
In the 5th State it is more than hard, it is a dangerous ride just being born. Add in the extras and you got yourself a life fit for a villain.
And that is a normal conversation amongst our kind. Talk about someone getting whacked, or your uncle Benny just dropping off the face of the earth.
Even I will brush it off as one of those things. Because that is what the underworld is about, and us, the women born in this darkness take it up the ass even though we are not working class.
And we will not settle for anything else than our brand of fucked up. We only know one way. And even if you are stupid enough to want different, the men will find you and haul your ass right back where it came from and then you are fucked.
Ask Rosa Marchesi, the infamous Italian girl who fell in love with a diplomat's son who sold her out to her family. He chose his safety over her heart. It was a good choice, we have to choose ourselves to survive in the 5th State. Even a normal boy figured that out. It is a pity selling someone out is considered bad manners though, else he would still be alive.
But 24-year-old Rosa is. She's now a myth, a story without a proper face. Some say she is a slave to her parents, who keep her locked up in their home. Others say she is the lucky one who got it easy and lives in a mansion near Malibu.