Chapter 12
Chapter 12
Before we go, I quickly read the contract Lucy gave me. As far as I can see, there are no strange things in there. After signing, I put it in my bag for tomorrow, otherwise, I will forget it anyway. Stupid mom brain.
I stand in front of my closet, hesitating. I have no idea what to wear for this non-date date. Even though I've been pretty clear that I'm not ready to date again, I still find myself wanting to look good for him. Those thoughts are followed by guilt. My thoughts and feelings have been so contradictory lately. On the one hand, I think it's far too soon to even think about another relationship. I can't stop thinking about Brent. No one can compare with him. That no relationship will come close to what I had with him. That's not surprising, considering we were literally soulmates. On the other hand, I also think Brent would want me to move on. That he would want me to be happy and not let guilt hold me back.
An overwhelming feeling of grief washes over me. It's so intense that I have to sit down on the bed, tears well up in my eyes, and a heavy feeling forms in my stomach, followed by anger. Angry at myself for even thinking about going on a date with another man. Angry at the thoughts of Brent wanting me to not let things hold me back from my happiness.
As I sit on the bed, sobbing with sadness and guilt, there is a knock on the door.
"Honey, are you okay?" Beth asks as she pokes her head around the door. She quickly sits next to me when she sees the state I am in.
When I don't say anything, she puts her arm around me. "Did something happen? At work, or did Bruce say something wrong?" she asks. I shake my head briefly and wipe the tears from my cheeks.
"No... work was great," I answer in a whisper. She looks at me with concerned eyes but says nothing. I wiggle my fingers a bit as I try to sort out my thoughts. "It's just..." I start.
"Whatever it is, you can tell me if you want." She takes my hand and squeezes it gently. I smile uncertainly. "It's just... Bruce asked me on a date tonight..." I say slowly. "But you already knew that." She remains silent, waiting for me to continue.
"And it's not that I don't want to. Because something inside me does." I start to explain.
“But you feel guilty towards Brent?” She guesses, and I nod. "It's stupid, I know," I mumble, staring at my fingers to avoid her gaze. "No, honey, not at all." She pulls me into a hug. "It's not?" I ask uncertainly.
"No, of course not. Your partner died. Your mate. It's only natural that you need time to heal. Even if he wasn't your mate, something like that takes time." She assured me. "And you feel guilty because you're afraid that if you start something new, it means you're leaving Brent behind. But that's not the case. Brent will always be a part of you, even if you start something new." She pulls away and takes my face in her hands. “But only you can decide if your heart is big enough to make room for something new, but Brent will stay in your heart forever.” She places a hand on my heart to emphasize her words. "You don't have to feel guilty for something that's natural. Even if that means going out with Bruce." She says the latter with a wink, and I chuckle.
"Besides, one date doesn't make you a couple. But if he hurts you, which I hope he doesn't, tell me, and I'll make sure he never does it again." She dismisses it as a joke, but I can see in her eyes that she means it.
"Thank you," I say as I hug her.
When Beth has assured herself that I'm okay, she heads back downstairs.
I wash my face, and as I get ready, I ponder her words. I promise to give myself a chance tonight. After all, Beth is right, one date does not mean that we are immediately in a relationship. And who knows, Bruce is a good guy. I'm sure if anyone can help me open myself up to something new again, it's him.
When I enter the living room, Beth is sitting on the couch with Claire. "Bruce's gone home to get changed, he'll be back soon." Beth tells me when she sees me looking around, looking for Bruce. "Are you sure you don't mind? To babysit, I mean." I ask to be sure and sit next to her on the couch. "Are you crazy, I like doing it. You know that." She replied. I expected that answer, Beth adores her. And to be honest, Claire is pretty smitten with her, too.
Not much later, Bruce returns, and although he's not wearing anything special, he looks pretty good. He gives me a mischievous smile as he notices me taking in his form. "Ready to go?" He asks, and I nod. I give Claire another hug and remind Beth again where she finds all her things. “Oh, and if there's anything, just call, and I'll be right back.” I say, but she waves my comment away. "Go, go! Have fun. We will be alright." She says and just barely pushes us out the door.
Like a true gentleman, Bruce holds the car door open for me. Suddenly, I get nervous. It's been so long since I've been on a date, but then I remind myself that this isn't a real date, it's a non-date. You can't screw that up.
Right?
I smile nervously as Bruce gets behind the wheel. "So, how long has it been since you've been out without Claire?" He asks, probably feeling the tension too and trying to break it. “Uhm, never.” I admit. "Brent and I didn't have a big network, with his family living far away, and mine..." I explain. "Let's just say they were always too busy to come to us." He is silent for a moment. "Well, Claire is of course, not that old yet, so it's not that surprising." He finally says.
There is an awkward silence. "What movie did you have in mind?" I ask you to say something. "I honestly have no idea. There are different movies showing, and I didn't know what you liked. But they all start around the same time, so you choose what you like," he answers.
"Then it's a good thing that I like almost everything." I say with a smile. "Except for horror, I don't watch that, and certainly not in the cinema." I add, and he chuckles. "Then we have that in common." I look at him with raised eyebrows.
"What? Not every man likes to see bloodshed and torture." he says. "I've seen enough of that. I've never found those movies entertaining." His voice sounds somber, I don't know how to respond. My reason for not watching those movies suddenly seems so silly.
“What do you like to watch?” I ask to lighten the mood. “Well, since you ask. I like a good action movie.” He answers, and I chuckle. “Of course you do,” I reply.
"But, I also like fantasy or a detective," he says. "Ah, so not a sappy romantic movie?" I tease, making a face. "Well... If you really want to go there, then I'll come with you..." He says when he sees my mock disappointment, and I burst out laughing. "Don't worry, I won't do that to you." I chuckle, seeing his relief.
When we arrive at the cinema, we decide to go for a comedy. Just nice and light, great to start this non-date. It takes me some effort, but eventually, I manage to convince him to let me pay for the snacks.
While we are standing in line, Bruce is approached by two beautiful girls. Judging by their clothing style, they clearly know this and like to show it. I bet if they jump once, their breasts will be exposed, so deep is the cleavage. I can't help but feel insecure. It's not that I think I'm ugly; on the contrary, I'm happy with the way I look.. But I did give birth to a child, and it shows.
"Hi Bruce, what a coincidence to run into you here." One of the two says while the other looks at me with an orderly look.
I take a step closer to Bruce and force a small smile on my face. “Hi, Holly.” He says politely, but I can sense the irritation in his voice. "Who's your friend?" She asks, the disdain gone from her face. I don't reveal myself and extend my hand.
"Hi, my name is Lilly. Nice to meet you." She shakes my hand weakly and doesn't know how quickly to let go. When Holly takes a step closer to Bruce, he takes a step back. She gives him a look that I can't quite place.
"Be careful with him, Lilly. Before you know it, he'll be tired of you." The other girl says with a hostile look at Bruce. I don't know how to react, and I'm glad the queue is moving. Bruce puts a protective arm around me, and Holly turns and walks away, followed closely by her friend.
“Friends of yours?” I ask sarcastically. "There's no point in denying it. I dated her briefly in the past. Until I realized what a bitch she is. She only thinks about herself. She doesn't seem to understand that nothing will happen between us anymore, no matter how many times I reject her, no matter how rude I am to her. It doesn't get through to her." He explains.
"But let's not let her ruin our evening." He says with a smile, and I nod.