Chapter 146

Helen’s POV

Something inside me snapped, even more than when I had slapped Justin. A sort of rage had taken over.

“I hate you,” I screamed.

Hurt flashed through Justin’s eyes, but I didn’t care. I was beyond caring anymore.

Justin growled at me. “You don’t mean that.”

“Oh yes, I do,” I said, beyond caring that I was making a scene in public.

Anger, frustration, and hurt all flickered through Justin’s expressions. Part of me wanted to feel bad for causing my mate this much pain, but the more I’d been thinking about it, the more I realized he’d been doing nothing but causing me pain for months. And the worst part was I was sorry for what I was doing, yet I never saw a hint of remorse from him.

“You don’t mean that,” he said again, his alpha voice angry and commanding, as if he would tell me exactly how I felt even though he had just gotten through yelling at others for telling him how he should feel.

Some little voice tickled the back of my mind. Justin never responded well to other people’s anger, and even though I was angry, that didn’t mean it was the most effective way to get my point across. I closed my eyes and drew several deep breaths through my nose, calming myself, trying to find a better way to put it so that he would understand.

“You know what the worst part is?” I asked him.

He seemed to back down a little bit when I used a calm voice. Good, if he wanted me submissive, I would be meek, and I would get my point across just as forcefully without raising my voice.

“The worst part is,” I said, “I’m not sure that you love me either.”

Those words choked on their way out because as I spoke them, I realized the truth of them.

He looked at me in shock and then growled in anger. “What are you talking about? Of course, I love you.”

I shook my head. “I think you want to. Maybe you even did at one point. Perhaps you don’t even really know what love is.”

He started to growl, and I let the real tears that I felt gather in my eyes and hoped that he could hear the sincerity in my voice—if he were willing to listen. “I’m not saying that I know anything about real love, either. Both of us were raised by very dysfunctional parents. Perhaps we don’t even really know what we’re doing when we’re trying to love each other. Maybe that’s why it’s turning out so badly.”

I sighed regretfully. “The only thing I know for a fact, Justin, my mate, is that I have tried to do nothing but love you from the moment that I was tossed in as a sacrifice to you. And in return, what have you done to me?”

“I’ve tried to take care of you, you silly girl.”

He threw up his hands in an effort to keep from hitting me. I was sure his lycan must be beyond pissed right now. He never liked it when anyone contradicted him.

“That’s not true,” I said. “Are you trying to tell me that chaining me up in the barracks was for my own good? Who says something like that?” I asked him. “Your father, definitely, even my father. But how does that make sense? I love you, so I chain you up?”

I motioned to the other wolves around us. “What other wolven couple have you ever seen behave this way? Only my parents and your father. And I think we can both agree that they make horrible role models.”

Now I let my sad look at him turn hard. “But here’s the biggest difference, Justin. When my parents locked me up and used me as a servant, made me clean their house, eat their scraps, and sleep on the cold floor, they never once told me that they loved me. Oh, they told me that it was for my own good and it was what I deserved, but never once did they tell me that they beat me, neglected me, and abused me out of love.”

Tears dripped down my cheeks and off my chin. “You tell me that every single time.”

Justin stared at me open mouth, slack-jawed, turning redder by the moment.

I hung my head and bowed to him, contrite.

“What are you saying?” he stammered, staring at me helplessly. “What do you want from me?”

“Clearly, I want things that you’re incapable, unwilling, or unready to give me,” I said.

“I’d give you anything,” he argued, sputtering, still visibly trying to hold back his lycan.

“No, you won’t,” I countered, “because we’re once again arguing about the fact that you won’t give me your trust, not even when everyone else confirms my story. Instead of seeing proof that I’ve been loyal to you, all you see are deeper and deeper conspiracies against you. All spearheaded by me.”

I turned my gaze to eh floor, unable to handle the expression he wore. But I need to get the rest off my chest. “And here’s the thing, Justin, you tell me over and over that I am such a good mate, I am such a perfect partner to you. And yet, at every turn, you refuse to let me do my job as a Luna, telling me that it’s for my own good that I need to stay in the house locked away from doing my duties for the good of the pack, for the good of our partnership.”

“It’s not a partnership if you foolishly get yourself killed,” he snarled.

“It’s not a partnership at all,” I retorted. “It’s you trying to carry everything and keep me locked away. How does that make me a good mate? Being locked up makes me no better than a doll, something that will sit around and look pretty for you.”

“You need to be protected,” he said, “especially now. Tell me that the Huntsman isn’t out to get you. Tell me that William and my father pose no threat to you at all.”

“They pose a threat to us all. That’s the point,” I said, resisting the urge to stomp my foot at him. “You don’t try to lock away anyone else and keep them from helping. You send your soldiers out into danger, but you’re keeping me from doing the one thing that I am meant to do, which is protect our partnership and our pack.”

“I’m trying to protect you. And the only reason that I have trouble trusting you is that I am still waiting for proof.”

I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. “How much more proof do you need, Justin?” I yelled. “You have witnesses. You have other people who have experienced the same thing, and you refuse to believe them. All you see are deeper conspiracies of why I’m plotting against us.”

I tucked my hands against my chest and looked at him. It was a meek position, but it was also holding back the pain inside of me. I didn’t want him to think I was challenging his wolf, but I needed to keep going because he had a very important question that he needed to consider regarding us. One which would tell me everything I needed to know about whether we had any hope of a future together.