Chapter 31

My mind turns frantically on Anton’s point. I was attracted to Blythe – incredibly so. And my wolf made it clear enough tonight that Orion…affects me.

But is he right? Am I letting men get too much of me because I’m attracted to them? Would I make different decisions if they weren’t…hot?

God, am I that pathetic?

“That Prince is getting you wrapped up too,” Anton snaps, taking a step towards me and gesturing vaguely towards the rest of the Underworld, where Orion is, somewhere. “You’re all spit and vinegar until he flashes his pretty smile –“

“What, are you jealous?” I snarl, stepping forward again, riled to anger and tucking my hurt away. “Wish you had the leverage to control me too?”

“The difference between me and these cretins, June,” he snarls, stepping close and leaning closer so that his nose is just an inch from mine. “Is that I don’t want to control you at all.”

“Bold claim,” I breathe, shaking my head, not letting him get away with it. “For someone who’s been lying to me since the moment we met.”

“I only did that,” he says, clenching his teeth, “because –“

“Whatever, Anton!” I snap, turning away and storming towards the bathroom, knowing that I’m about to break and not wanting him to see it.

“Juniper!” he barks out, angry, clearly not done with this fight.

“I’m taking a shower!” I call over my shoulder, throwing a hand up, working hard not to let my voice waiver the way it wants to. “Leave me alone!”

He storms after me, the tether between us drawing tight. “You know I can’t –“

But I just slam the door the moment I get into the bathroom. I pause for a second, wondering if he can just walk through the door like ghosts in the stories – thinking that he probably can.

But I hear Anton sigh – still angry, but giving into it. Then I feel him – I don’t know how, but I do – turn his back to the door and slide down it to rest on the floor, resigned.

I take a few steps away from the door, still staring at it, my eyes stinging with tears.

My wolf gives a sad little howl, begging me to open the door, to talk to him. To apologize – because I owe him that – and he has been good to me – and we still need answers -

But I have too much god damn pride. And I need…a minute to get my thoughts in order. So I exhale a long breath and turn towards the shower, vanishing away my clothes with a thought and turning on the water at its hot and steamiest setting.

When I walk out of the bathroom about forty minutes later in a set of black silk pajamas, towel drying my hair, Anton is sitting on the bed amongst all the clothes with his head hanging now.

My wolf howls to see him like that, but I straighten my spine, determined not to give in.

She nips at me, calling me a stubborn brat, but I just shove her away. Because I’m not finished. And he’s been as bad as me.

Or, if not as bad, then…well, not great.

As I walk to the bed to stand before him, Anton slowly lifts his head to meet my eyes.

I let my own gaze move over him for a moment, taking in what details of his uniform that I can. As I do, I kick myself for being unobservant. Because even if the details are indistinct and blue, and even if I only saw Rafe and Jesse in theirs once or twice, it is decidedly a Cadet uniform, now that I really look at it. And my Uncle Roger did design them. I should be able to see his taste by now.

“Juniper,” he sighs, shaking his head. “I’m really sorry –“

I flash my eyes up and shake my head, stubborn. My wolf snarls and bites me again on the inside. I wince and shove her away.

“Do you know them?” I ask, my voice quiet.

Slowly, he nods.

“Rafe and Jesse?” I ask.

Another nod.

“So, are you like, a warrior person then?”

He takes a deep breath before slowly releasing it, setting his shoulders back, a little pride showing. “I was on the Assassin track.”

My eyebrows raise. “I didn’t know that existed.”

He smirks. “You weren’t supposed to.”

I tuck this information away with a crisp nod. “And did you know Ariel?”

He pauses for a second but then nods, quite deep.

I grit my teeth, hating it. “Who else?”

Anton sighs. “I know them all, Juniper. Ariel, her mates. Ben, Daphne. I met your dad and your uncle, too, but that was…brief. I know your mom and your aunt from school – they were my professors.”

Surprise parts my lips. “So, you’re magic?” Mom and Cora took over the magic class when it turned out that the other professor was possessed – surprise surprise – by the God of Darkness.

He shrugs. “I was.”

“What can you do?”

“I could breathe under water.” He says it blandly, like it can’t matter, his eyes still holding mine, waiting for it. For me to ask the question that’s pulling at my heart.

So I do, raising my chin, willing my lip not to quiver. “How well did you know them?”

It comes out as a whisper.

“They were my best friends, Juniper,” he says quietly. “It was…newer. We’ve only been close for a month or two – since Midwinter. But…” he shrugs. “We were all important to each other.”

I sigh, hating that answer, even if I knew it was coming. And so I turn away, wandering off to the side of the bed on which I usually sleep, feeling completely exhausted. As I walk I vanish all the clothes away to a corner of the room where they fall in a heap, leaving the bed clean and empty.

“Juniper,” Anton says, a plea, his voice tired and soft. “Please –“

But I just shake my head, only looking down at the sheets and the blankets as I peel them back.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was here for them –“

But his words fall short when I snap my head up, glaring hard, my expression speaking for me. That I am not ready to hear this, that I need another minute to myself, that I’m tired and just want to be alone.

Alone, in this horrible wasteland where I’ve been promised I won’t die this week, but next has no such assurance.

Alone, with a ghost I’ve been lying to and who has been doing the same in return. A dead boy about whom I’ve come to care a great deal.

And we’ve just been…lying to each other from the start.

I sigh and curl up in the bed like a little crab inside her shell, my knees tucked up close to my body and my arms wrapped around my legs. I shut my eyes, pressing them tight against the jealousy that roils within me.

Because it is so, so much worse than it was with Laila.

No it’s not, my wolf begs, curling up warm around my heart in a way that she so rarely does, sensing that I need it. It is good – he’s one of us – he’s part of the family –

But I shake my head, because I didn’t want him to be part of the family.

I want him to be mine.

And when Ariel is part of the story? It’s always her. Everyone gravitates to her – and they can’t help it. Like mom, Ariel is warm and lovely and fun and entirely herself in a way that invites everyone around her to be precisely who they are in turn.

Even me. I love my sister, even as I’m terribly jealous, even when I try to hate her. She’s just very good and a tiny bit irresistible.

So, the knowledge that I have now, that Anton is already under her spell?

All it does is tell me that his allegiance already belongs to her.

And that I, again, will only ever be second best. God, he probably doesn’t even want to be here. He probably wishes he were back in that Castle, with Ariel and her weird little Alpha club.

Of course that’s what he wants, my wolf snaps, giving me a little nip, though softer than she usually would. It’s ridiculous to think that he’s happy to be dead. But he’s here now, and he’s ours, and you’re just being prideful and cruel.

But I just turn away from her, unable to bear hating myself right now as much as I do everything else, and press my eyes further shut. I only sniff very quietly as the tear slides down my nose, trying to fool myself into thinking that Anton can’t hear it in this quiet room.

He sighs, and whispers to me that he’s sorry, and shifts into his wolf before curling up at my feet, giving me what space he can.