Chapter 70

When I wake up the nausea isn’t as bad as it usually is, so it takes a moment before my revelation from the night before comes rushing back to me. I’m pregnant.

What had once seemed like an impossibility was now true. The words feel foreign. I can’t bring myself to say them out loud. I just sit on the edge of the bed, pressing my palms into my thighs until the shaking stops, then I wrap my arms around myself, just to keep from falling apart.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell anyone, not my family, not Ella, and especially not Kaine. This was never supposed to happen.

I put on my uniform like always. The jacket feels tighter, though I know it’s just my imagination, it’s too soon for the pregnancy to show. I comb my hair back, tie it neatly, and force myself to look in the mirror. I look exhausted, and I know it’s not just from pregnancy, but the weight of everything I’ve been through recently.

I splash cold water on my face, and I look a little more alive. It will have to do.

I arrive to morning drills early. The courtyard is still quiet when I step onto the field. The cold air helps.

For a few minutes, I almost forget the weight of all the secrets I’m carrying. I can almost pretend today is just another day, that I’m just another guard.

I run the warm ups making sure keep my voice even as I call out each new drill. I almost feel back to normal until halfway through the second round of exercises, my vision blurs. The edges of the yard fade in and out of focus, and I stumble back.

I straighten quickly, pretending it was nothing, but I know better.

“I need a break,” I call out, and before anyone can follow, I walk off the field without explanation.

The other guards stare after me in confusion and a few of their eyes fill with concern, but no one says anything. I don’t give them the chance.

I keep my steps steady until I round the corner, then lean heavily against the stone wall just out of sight. My breath comes too fast. I grip the edge of the bricks and lower my head.

How long can I keep this hidden?

How long before someone notices the change in my body? In my face? In the way I’ve been moving slower and turning green at the smell of breakfast?

I know I need to figure something out sooner than later. It is only a matter of time before someone realizes something is up with me. It’s already affecting my work.

Later, in my office, I try to focus on the latest guard schedules. There are a few gaps that need to be filled on the outer walls. I try to concentrate, but my mind begins to wander.

I can’t help but picture what it would be like to keep the baby. What it would mean to carry it to term. To step away from the guard.

I imagine giving up everything I’ve worked for. I imagine a world where I don’t have to, one where I can do both. I imagine what kind of life I could give this child.

What kind of mother would I be? Would I raise them in secret? Would they grow up resenting me for hiding them?

Would they grow up without knowing who their father is, or worse knowing, but unable to speak the truth?

I press my fingers to my temple, trying to block the thoughts out. I don’t have answers. I only have questions. Endless, terrifying questions.

I shake it off. There is still work to be done. I stand and gather the update reports I’d been reviewing, then make my way to Kaine’s office.

The hallway feels longer than usual. I haven’t seen Kaine since I realized I was pregnant and I am not looking forward to it.

When I enter, Kaine looks up from his desk. His expression is unreadable, but not cold.

“I have the schedule revisions,” I say, keeping my voice flat. “I’ve moved some guards around to account for the gaps in the outer wall.”

He nods, reaching for the files. “Thank you.”

There’s a pause. I know he wants to say something. I can feel his unspoken words in the air between us, but I can’t speak to him. Not now.

I give him a short nod, turn on my heel, leaving before he can speak. My hands tremble at my sides, but I don't look back.

Kaine is too observant. I know how I’ve been acting. I know he’s noticed, but I can’t afford to let him back in.

I’ve worked too hard to build the wall between us. Still, every time he speaks, my chest aches. I tell myself it’s the bond and pregnancy hormones and instinct, but whatever the reason the ache hasn’t gone away.

That ache still creeps in the moment I don’t have something to focus on or am left alone with my thoughts. I don’t know how much longer I can go on this way.

I return to the training yard just in time to observe the evaluation of two new recruits. I keep my distance, arms folded across my chest, watching them move through the sparring sets.

I am acting Captain. I should be out there. I should be showing them what to do and why we do it.

I think for a moment about joining them, but I’m so tired. I haven’t been eating well and my balance feels off. Now that I know that I’m pregnant I am also aware that I haven’t been taking very good care of myself or this baby.

I vow to do better; to not let this slow me down and in the meantime, I give feedback from the sidelines. My hands twitch with the urge to move, to fight, to lose myself in the rhythm of motion, but I won’t push myself for now.

I don’t know what I am going to do in the long term but for now I will sleep better. I will force myself to eat. I will stay strong.

One of the recruits stumbles, and I call out a correction. We continue like that for some time and the evaluation ends without incident.

I return to my office, note the performance of each recruit, and submit the reports. Then I retreat to my quarters for the night.

I don’t light the lamp. The moonlight filters in through the window, soft and pale. I sit at the edge of my bed and stare at the shadows on the wall.

I think about the baby and what it means. What will happen if I keep it? Do I have the right?

Is it selfish to even consider raising a child in secret? Will they hate me for hiding them from their father? Would Kaine take the choice from me if he knew?

The idea makes my skin go cold. I don’t know what he would do. I don’t know what Bianca would do either.

I’ve worked my whole life to be a guard. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Can I be that and a mother? Would I be allowed to be?

Nara finally speaks.

“You already love it.”

I don’t respond. I can’t because I know she’s right and that only makes this harder.

I curl my knees to my chest and sit in silence. I wrap my arms around my legs and rest my head on my knees. My whole body aches with exhaustion, but my mind won’t quiet.

Thoughts of this unknown future stretch out before me. Every plan I come up with feels like the wrong choice.

I take a deep breath. Tomorrow will come and I’ll face it like I always do, but tonight, I just sit and feel the weight of everything I can’t say out loud.