Chapter 69

The final preparations for the banquet are nearly finished. I go over the last rotation assignments one more time in my office, reviewing everything twice to be sure I didn’t miss anything. Every corridor has been accounted for, every guard has been briefed, every window lock tested, every exit covered.

I should feel accomplished, instead, my stomach churns. The sickness has returned in full force and I’ve barely eaten all day. Just the thought of food makes me sick to my stomach.

I try to shake it off like I always do, but this time it’s harder. The nausea is more persistent. I just need to get through the banquet and then I will see the healer.

When I pull on my uniform, the collar feels stiff against my neck. The fabric feels scratchy even though it hasn’t changed. I fasten the buttons and glance at my reflection once before turning away.

My face looks pale, and I barely recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. The one looking back at me has shadows under her eyes, and her jaw is set like she’s preparing for war. That spark of ambition has dulled and been replaced by something else.

I shake it off. “I just need to find my new normal.” I whisper my new mantra like it’s a lifeline.

I need to get moving. Every spare moment, my mind drifts where I don’t want it to, Kaine’s hands and the weight of his body pressed against mine.

I flush as I think about the warmth of his skin and how it felt like I belonged to him. The thoughts are becoming uncontrollable. It’s not just a memory, it’s a craving.

I hate how easily the thoughts sneak up on me, how often my body betrays me with longing I never asked for. The near constant desire is at odds with my hurt and my anger, and I hate myself for it.

I clench my fists and press them against the desk. It’s the bond. I know that.

It’s been over a month since I’ve had the potion. The weaker formula barely helped last time, and it must be losing effect. That’s all this is.

It doesn’t matter what I thought I wanted. Want. The bond is still present, making me weak. I shove the thoughts away and focus on the perimeter reports.

I trace the patrol plans again and again until my vision blurs. I double check each name, each schedule, each guard switch. My mind is foggy, but I force myself to push through it.

By the time the banquet begins, my limbs feel like they’ve been weighed down with sand. I do my best to keep my shoulders square as I take my post near the ballroom entrance. I watch the nobles arrive in groups, their laughter echoing against the walls.

Trays pass, glasses clink, and music swells from the far corner of the room. Everything smells too strong. The smell of perfume, food, and wine all intermingling overwhelms my senses.

The noise is too loud, and my heart feels like it’s beating too fast, like I’ve been running when I haven’t moved. Sweat begins to trickle down my brow and I wipe it away.

At the center of the room Kaine stands beside Bianca. She wears a pale green gown with a delicate jeweled band across her brow. She looks like royalty.

Kaine is in uniform, a perfect complement to Bianca’s grace. His hand rests lightly at the small of her back. They smile for the crowd, and they look like the perfect pair.

I force myself to look away. If I watch too long, something inside me might come undone.

Someone walks by with a tray of hors d’oeuvres and the smell makes my stomach twist. My throat tightens and I breathe through my mouth as I will it to pass. Sweat drips down my neck despite the slight chill in the room.

I shift my posture and let my eyes scan the room, looking for something to correct. I need something to do fix, something to fix, but the work’s already been done.

There’s nothing left for me to adjust or to focus on. I am stuck with my own thoughts, watching these nobles in ball gowns plaster on their fake smiles.

Then Jasper catches my eye and makes his way over to me through the crowd. He looks concerned, and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. He hesitates as he comes to a stop in front of me as if unsure what to say.

“You look pale,” he says eventually. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

He takes me in for a long moment, his brow furrowing. He doesn’t believe me. I can see it in his eyes.

“You don’t have to lie to me.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re sweating.”

“I’m working.”

There’s a pause. His voice lowers, barely audible above the strings playing across the room. “I know what it’s like. Having to make an appearance somewhere you don’t want to be.”

I don’t answer him. I don’t need sympathy, especially not from him.

I’ve survived worse than this. I can survive a night.

“You’ve done enough. You don’t need to stay the whole night,” he says. “If I dismiss you it’ll-

I glare at him as I cut him off. “I’m not leaving my post.”

He sighs quietly. “Alright.”

He doesn’t push, but he stays there a moment longer before walking away. I don’t watch him go. I keep my gaze fixed ahead, as if by sheer will I can hold my body together long enough to get through the rest of the evening.

By the time the toasts begin, my nausea has grown unbearable. The room feels too hot, the room too crowded. My breath comes uneven and shallow.

My head swims as a wave of dizziness crashes over my body, causing my knees to tremble. I step away from the floor and find Jake near the hallway entrance. I tell him I’m not feeling well.

He nods and waves me off with a concerned look. I don’t bother to give a longer explanation as I hurry out of the hall.

The moment I’m out of sight, I brace myself against the wall, dizzy and breathless. The cooler air in the corridor does nothing. My mouth is dry. I close my eyes.

I take a deep breathe trying to wrap my head around what could be wrong with me. I’m not just tired. I’m not overwhelmed.

I freeze. Could I be?

Nara?

Her concern these last few days was about more than my health. I feel it now.

You knew.

“I knew.”

You could’ve told me. I thought I was going crazy. I thought my emotions were making me sick.

“You weren’t ready. If I’d said anything, you wouldn’t have heard me.”

The betrayal stings. My own wolf wasn’t being honest with me.

I trusted her. She’s a part of me. How could she keep something like this from me?

But even as my anger simmers threatens to boil over, I know she’s right. I would’ve ignored her. I would’ve doubled down on my work, on my responsibilities. I would’ve blamed anything else.

I slide down the wall and rest my head against the cold stone. My hands shake as I think about what this could mean. I feel pressure starting to builds behind my eyes but I blink the tears back for now.

I didn’t choose this. I didn’t ask for it. I’ve always loved children, but I never thought that that path would be possible for me. I still don’t.

I stay there for a long time, eyes closed, head swirling. Nara doesn’t say anything else but I feel her support and I let the weight of this discovery fully hit me.

Eventually, I get to my feet. My knees ache as I straighten. I smooth my jacket and fix the buttons.

I wipe my palms and tuck my hair back into place. I stare down the corridor in the direction of the banquet. The nausea has passed and there’s still time left in the banquet, but I decide not to go back.

I’ve done everything I can and Jake will have sent someone to cover my post. I can’t go back right now. I can’t force myself to think about the guard, or the kingdom, or even Kaine.

I can only think about the heartbeat I know is forming inside me.