Chapter 66

I finish reviewing the banquet perimeter layout for the third time and set the map down. The changes I made seem to be in order. The west wing needed a better patrol rotation, especially near the servants’ corridor so I flagged it for reassignment and now I just need final approval from Kaine.

My head throbs, but I push the discomfort away. There’s too much to do before the engagement banquet. I can’t afford any gaps in coverage or for anyone to claim that I hadn’t been thorough.

After everything that has happened between Kaine and I, this job is the only thing grounding me. I know the path I’ve chosen isn’t easy, but I also never expected everything to get this complicated.

I take a sip of water and focus on the guest access chart. The list is over two hundred names of high-ranking wolves, their spouses, and their entourages. Every one of them has to be vetted.

The task should be easy enough, if a bit tedious, but I can’t help the ache that forms in my chest as I mark down another name to celebrate Kaine and Bianca. Each name is another reminder of the life I’ll never have.

I never wanted to be Kaine’s Luna, but for a moment I had allowed myself to believe that we had something real. Each stroke of the pen across the paper feels like another slice of the knife across my heart.

I flip to another page, and my stomach turns. The scent of ink and paper has never bothered me before, but now I find myself struggling to keep myself together. I press a hand over my mouth and breathe through my nose.

It passes after a few seconds, and I force myself to sit up straight. I need to get a grip. It’s probably nothing, just stress.

I’ve barely slept since I took over banquet security, and that’s on top of my regular duties. It’s fine. I can handle it. I have to. There’s no other option.

“You should rest.”

Nara’s voice is quiet, almost gentle and I can feel her concern.

I don’t answer her. I can’t afford to rest when knowing I have a job to do is the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. Acknowledging how exhausted I am might cause everything I’ve carefully constructed to collapse.

Instead, I gather my notes and head to Kaine’s office. I take my time, making sure to breath slowly through my nose and by the time I reach his door, I’ve pushed the nausea aside.

I won’t show him how much I’m struggling, not when he’s already moved on, already forgotten.

He looks up when I knock. “Come in.”

I step inside and keep my tone as casual as I can manage. “I’ve finalized the patrol layout and background clearances. These are the updates.” My voice sounds cold to my own ears, but it’s safer this way.

He takes the file without comment. I keep my arms crossed, waiting. I don’t meet his eyes.

I don’t want to see kindness there, or worse, pity. He may not know it was me that night in his office, but I know he remembers our kiss. I don’t want to see the look of someone who knows they’re hurting me but won’t admit it.

He flips through the pages slowly. Silence hangs in the air and I can’t help the way my heart beats faster. For a second, I think he wants to ask me something unrelated to the banquet security, but the moment passes.

“You’ve accounted for the kitchen delivery route?” he asks.

“Yes. I added an additional guard there after the incident during the rehearsal.” My voice is harsh, like I’m expecting a challenge, and I try not to wince. I can’t afford to let my emotions get the better of me, not now, not in front of him.

Kaine nods once and closes the file. His expression softens, just slightly, like he wants to say something else, but then he clears his throat and says, “Thank you. That’s all.”

I nod once and turn to leave. I don’t let myself look back. It’s better this way.

He doesn’t know what happened between us. He thinks it was Bianca. Even if he knew, it wouldn’t matter because I’m not the one he’s chosen.

He’s going to marry her. He has made that clear from the beginning.

I take a deep breath as I remind myself that I said I wouldn’t care anymore. I try my best to will it to be true, but it’s not. The hurt has taken root deep down inside of me and refuses to let go.

Back in the hall, the smell of roasted meat and root vegetables from the kitchen wafts down the hallway. My stomach turns yet again. I take another deep breath and keep walking.

Another wave of nausea rolls over me, stronger this time. I can’t help the anger that bubbles up. My own body is now out to get me, mirroring the betrayal of my own heart.

“You need to slow down.”

I’m fine. It’s just the stress. Everything that has happened recently; the captain’s attack, my night with Kaine, the banquet has taken its toll. I can admit that.

Nara doesn’t respond, but I can feel her concern. I do best to push it aside. I can’t let my body get the better of me. I need to be strong.

I return to my room and change into training gear. Maybe if I move fast enough, I can forget the weight of everything. Maybe if I keep moving, I can outrun the memories chasing me.

The air outside is cool and I count my breaths as I circle the courtyard, one foot in front of the other. For a minute I almost feel calm. Then my vision blurs and I am forced to steady myself against the stone wall until it clears.

My fingers dig into the edge of the stone. I close my eyes for a second and focus on the sound of my breathing. I will not give into my exhaustion, I am stronger than this.

It’s fine. I’m just tired. This is just a consequence of carrying too many secrets alone, of loving someone who will never love me back.

When I return to my quarters, I wash quickly and try to eat. The nausea comes back again before I finish half a plate. I push it aside.

I have been doing things alone my whole life. I refuse to let my body fail, because of what? Hard work and oversentimentality?

I am a guard. I have exactly what I have always wanted. I need to start acting like it.

I sit by the window later, going over my notes in low light. The banquet is in less than a week and everything has to be perfect.

Kaine’s future depends on it, and I won’t be the reason something goes wrong even if he never knows what I gave up for him or that every moment I spend ensuring that the banquet runs smoothly feels like another part of myself slipping away.

I squeeze my palms together as I try not to think about how I felt when he asked about my night, how I knew in that moment he believed it was Bianca. I try not to think about how easily I gave in or how I hadn’t even tried to stop him.

I’m not his Luna. I never will be. I remind myself that this is what I chose.

I wanted to be a guard. I wanted to serve the kingdom and that hasn’t changed. It’s still true, even if it hurts now more than I ever imagined possible.

Still, when I close my eyes, I see his face and my stomach turns again. I hate how much I still want him, even now. I hate how I can still feel his hands on my skin, his breath against my neck.

I swallow down the feeling and refocus on the papers in front of me. There’s still too much left to do, and I won’t let my feelings destroy what I’ve worked for. I won’t let the love I feel ruin me, even if it breaks me apart one day at a time.