Chapter 64

Ardal

Kadeem’s hand interlocks with mine and a familiar warmth floods over me. Five children are giggling and hollering feet away, but they fall to a dim background hum.

Amber afternoon light spills from the windows, highlighting Kadeem’s chiseled features and chocolate brown eyes. The worn leather band of his watch is pressed against my wrist, a gentle reminder of the passage of time, even in a moment that seems endless.

We’re standing so close, I can find the rippling scar that lines his neck - a badge of survival from a vicious fight when he was 17. I can see the jagged one at his right temple - a trace of the car accident Susan used to erode what was left of our marriage.

Just as easily, I see the constellations of freckles that dot his arms, and the dimple in his cheek that deepens when a smirk plays upon his lips. There’s the dark hair I used to rake my fingers through, the lip I used to softly bite, and the eyes that seem to darken when he grows angry or detached.

The same eyes are flecked with gold when you gaze into them and they’re deep pools of knowing, missing nothing whenever he decides to zero in. There’s the nostrils that flare when he’s in a temper, the jaw he clenches into a hard line when he’s trying to hide feeling sad.

And there’s the mouth I long to kiss, even now. The mouth that uttered declarations of love and embittered words of hate - words that made my heart flutter, sent me into giggles, spiraled me into white hot anger, that defiled me and wrecked me, and flooded me with tears. Ah, the power of this single facet!

There’s the strong hands that held mine, the one that holds me now - hands that stroked my hair, that kept me safe, and wiped tears from my eyes.

His body is a living tapestry in front of me. Threads mark not only this moment, but the moments before, and the moments ahead. The hands on his watch tick forward, but I see it all, and for me, he is a weaving of love as well as anguish and pain. And I can’t extricate one thread without untying the rest.

Our hands pressed together feel as though they belong to each other, but they are a union we dissolved. I don’t want to let him go, and it hurts to slowly step away.

His eyes fall when I do.

Jack is waiting on the steps of my porch, and I’m conscious of the need that has arisen in me to battle my apprehension and break free from this stagnant state I’ve locked myself into - to pull out of this shallow well that blocks me from a deeper life of love and of greater meaning.

No more mulling, no more hesitation - just a leap of faith into the shadowy woods that lie ahead. It’s the only way out of this stifling darkness.

I wish I could say this afternoon with Kadeem brought bright sparks of hope, but it’s been bittersweet and aching. I got a glimpse of what our lives could have been, for both of us, and especially for our children. It’s served as a reminder that I must get unstuck and pick my path through the woods.

I open the door where Jack is standing with a nervous smile on his face. At the sight of him, the quintuplets rush the door, like a herd of excited puppies.

“Hey guys,” Jack says, grinning. He looks at me. “Hey there, beautiful.” Then, he takes in the alpha wolf just behind me, his eyes widening in surprise.

Tension flicks on like a light switch. I shift uncomfortably and wring my hands through my hair.

Jack’s whole body seems to stiffen. “Kadeem, I didn’t realize you were here.”

“Jack,” Kadeem says, with a small nod. His voice is tightly controlled, but his face is slightly strained.

“He stopped by to see the kids,” I say quickly, casting a glance in Kadeem’s direction. “They’ve become good buddies since I started working at the health club.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Kadeem’s jaw stiffen and I wonder what I’ve said wrong.

“Hmm.” Jack’s lips are pursed and he avoids Kadeems eyes. “You ready to go, Chelsea?”

"Mommy! Don't go!" Lottie cries out, grabbing onto my leg as tears spring from her eyes.

"Sweetie, it's just for a little while," I say, bending down to give her a hug.

"Promise you'll come back soon," she asks, her voice quivering.

"Promise," I say, curling my pinky around hers in a ‘swear’ and she breaks into a smile.

“Have fun, Mommy,” Ezra says, beaming up at me, before he takes Lottie’s hand to help comfort her.

Erbao shuffles through his siblings to stand next to Kadeem. “Can Kadeem stay?” Erbao glances from me to Kadeem with hopeful eyes.

It’s like a literal spotlight comes on in the room, illuminating my secret. Their similarities are so strong, it punches even me in the gut. One is just a smaller version of the other. Their bodies are of similar builds - tall and broad - and they share the same squareness of their jaws and ears. They wear matching dimples, and both have a James Dean squint to their eyes.

I’m not the only one who sees it. I’m watching Jack’s forehead crinkle in quizzical surprise. He glances at the other kids, taking in their shared raven-colored hair and dark eyes, with the same bronze-toned skin.

Erbao stares up at me. “Please?”

I have to swallow, and my stomach twists with guilt. Instinctively, I almost utter a “yes.”

Yes, he belongs to you. Yes, he should stay.

Kadeem’s mouth goes up into a crooked smile before he looks at me and clears his throat. “Better not,” he says, putting a hand gently on Erbao’s shoulder.

All the kids break out into a chorus of disappointed, “Ahs,” and start pleading with him.

“Sorry fellas - and little lady,” he says, with a gentlemanly nod to Lottie, “I’ve got some pack business I have to take care of.”

The kids are instantly impressed and begin to pepper him with questions that I have to cut off.

I give them all kisses and tell Hannah we’re heading out. The kids crowd at the door, waving to us, before Hannah gently shuts it, leaving Jack, Kadeem, and I together on the porch.

I beam at Kadeem with a million-watt smile, barely masking my awkwardness. “Thanks for coming by,” I say cheerily. “See you at work.”

I barely finish my sentence before Jack interjects.

“Kadeem, any relation to the kids?” His tone is polite, yet prying.

Kadeem grins devilishly and chuckles. “Not that I’ve been told.”

Then, in a moment of inconceivable audacity, he winks at me!

A searing heat rushes to my cheeks. Jack looks utterly astounded by Kadeem’s suggestive comment and I want to scream in rage at him, but Jack’s here, so I have to restrain myself, clenching my fists and biting back the acidic words ready to escape my lips about his asshole behavior.

Jack turns to me, a perplexed expression on his face. “Is there something going on between the two of you?”