Chapter 57

Ardal

I stare into my phone, poised to notify Kadeem that I’m not coming into work today.

I’d rather die than face him after yesterday. I can’t believe I burst into tears in front of him and particularly for telling him out of nowhere (at least from his perspective), to stay away from me when he was being kind. Worst of all, though, is the tsunami of emotions I feel when I’m around him.

I picture myself heading for the forest instead. I could take the day off and just let my wolf run free for a while - an exquisite escape from reality. Simply the thought of it brings a measure of relief.

I stop myself just short of texting him. The sooner I rip off the bandaid, the less painful it will be.

My phone lights up with a text from Jack. My heart does an awkward flutter and I feel my stomach tighten into a knot.

“How’s Erbao?”

I type back quickly. “He’s good,” I say - which is the honest truth. Erbao seems to be handling everything like a champ. But me? I’m still an emotional wreck over his dialysis.

Sighing heavily, I wait for Jack’s response.

“Glad to hear it! Are you free this weekend, by chance?”

I can’t help but groan inwardly in dismay at his continued pursuit. “I need to spend some time with my kiddos,” I type back, hoping I’ve at least somewhat disguised my reluctance. I’d rather spend the weekend away from men in general - except for my four little ones.

It takes him a little longer to respond this time. “Totally get that,” he says eventually.

I slump forward in exasperation, letting my head hit the steering wheel.

What am I doing?

I’m talking to a doctor who has not only accepted me, but all five of my kids? I almost laugh out loud at the absurdity.

I cannot self-sabotage by clinging to the past. March on, Ardal, you idiot.

My fingers fly across the phone. “But I’m sure I can figure something out.”

He writes back immediately. “I would love that. We can just meet for lunch or something, it doesn’t have to be an overnight affair. I’d just like to see you.”

A broad smile spreads across my face. His unabashed adoration sends a thrill through me.

“Deal,” I type back.

I step into the gym, head held high and an iron will coursing through my veins. Despite the old feelings bubbling up for Kadeem, I have to, truly this time, let him go.

My plan is to make amends for my behavior yesterday and, most importantly, stay resolute and resist any temptation to remain fixated on him.

I go straight to his office, but my steely determination takes a hit when I find it empty.

I have to get ready for my yoga class anyway. Towards the end of the class, I see him out in the hallway, walking towards the men’s locker room.

I speed through the last bit of the class, and apologize to my clients as I rush out afterwards, scooping up my yoga mat, and springing down the hall.

I plant myself in front of the locker room door, and try to steady my beating heart while I wait for him to emerge.

We both jump in surprise when he suddenly pushes the door open and nearly collides with me.

“Jesus, Chels,” he says. “I nearly wolfed out and ate you for breakfast.”

“Sorry,” I say, sheepishly. I register for the first time that he’s in his swim trunks. “I, um, I wanted to catch you so I could apologize for yesterday.”

He nods. “It’s fine. You were having a bad day and I forced myself into the mix.”

I bite my lip. “That’s really - that’s really gracious of you.” I wrinkle my forehead. “So, are you about to go swimming?”

“Yes I am,” he says with a smile. “Would you like to see my progress?”

“Oh, um...” I begin, stammering incoherently.

God, why can’t I speak? I should just tell him “no.” The goal is to put him in my rear view mirror, but I’m so intrigued by his sudden confidence about swimming.

He seems amused by my awkwardness. “It’s okay,” he chuckles softly. “I’ll see you later.” He turns to leave.

“Wait,” I call after him in a last desperate plea, hating myself for it. I speed-walk to catch up with him as he heads towards the pool. “You don’t need me to coach you anymore on swimming? You can do it on your own now?”

He looks back at me with an unexpected sadness. “Yeah, I guess I can.”

I’m surprised by my own sorrow. Guess I can, really, just focus on being his employee, and work on moving forward in my life.

I take a breath and follow him into the pool room, to see for myself how he’s improved.

He slips off his shoes, throws down his towel, and dives into the deep end like a regular Michael Phelps.

I stare at him, my mouth gaping open. His head pops out of the water and he smiles at me.

“No way,” I say, shocked.

He shrugs and proceeds to do a lap in the butterfly stroke.

“Kadeem,” I say, following him. “What the hell happened? Did you have, like, a brain transplant and didn’t tell me?”

He stops and hovers near the side of the pool. “Not quite as invasive, but maybe just as dramatic.”

I crouch down. “I’m so confused right now.”

“You remember Mateo?”

I roll my eyes. “Of course.”

“Then you remember he’s a hypnotist.”

Completely enraptured, I sit down cross-legged near the edge of the pool, looking down at Kadeem. His muscular, bare chest is glistening with water, and I have to force my mind to behave and stay chaste.

“Yeah?” My voice comes out a little shaky.

“So, he’s been helping me.”

“Get over your fear of water?”

Kadeem hesitates, “Er, yes, basically.” He pushes back his wet hair with one hand. “And then,” he says, “When I jumped in to get Milo, it triggered something in me. I got over my block, I guess you’d say.”

“Wow,” I breathe, eyes wide. “I mean, that’s incredible. I’m really happy for you. You definitely won’t be needing my services anymore,” I smile.

Kadeem smiles back. “You’re a good trainer,” he says. “I’ll miss it.”

I lean forward, giggling. “Come to one of my yoga classes.”

“Oh no,” he says with a grin. “No classes. It would have to be private lessons for me.”

I feel my cheeks go red.

“Sorry,” he says, frowning. “I think that came out wrong. I meant to be self-deprecating about my entitlement, not flirty.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I figured, I.. um -“

I put my hand to my forehead. “Shit,” I say, my blush deepening. I’m making an already awkward moment infinitely more awkward.

“I don’t know why I’m struggling so hard for words today. Sign me up for that brain transplant.”

“It’s okay,” Kadeem says, fingers still gripping the edge of the pool. “You don’t have to be self-conscious with me. It’s nice to see you feeling lighter today.”

I feel a roiling in my stomach. “Why are you so nice to me?” Frustrated, I blurt it out without thinking.

Kadeem blinks. “Would you prefer some yelling, or -“

“-Sometimes. Maybe,” I say. I shake my head and stand up. “I don’t know.”

‘Yes, that’s what I want,’ I think. ‘Become that old iteration of yourself so I can just get on with my life.’

And not hurt so much… Or want you so much.

Kadeem pushes himself up out of the water.

“A -“ He cuts himself off, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth. His fingers rake aggressively through his dripping hair. “Chelsea,” he says, sighing. “I don’t know what you want me to do, or who you want me to be.”

He walks over to grab his towel. “I feel like I can’t do anything right. I’m trying, but I don’t know what else to do.”

“Why are you trying,” I ask. “Honestly - why? Just let me, you know, be your employee.”

Kadeem dries off his chest and arms. “I am. I mean, I think I am. Your emotions with me are kind of all over the place lately. I never quite know what the hell is going on, to be frank.”

I take a deep breath. “There’s a lot of crap raining down on me at the moment. I know I need to just stay professional, but I’m kind of struggling right now.” I feel the surge of sadness and worry for Erbao as I say it.

Kadeem watches me quietly. He looks so much like Erbao, it does a number on me sometimes. This is one of those. I fight back the tears, not wanting to break down and cry in front of him again. He already knows I’m a mess, but I don’t want to make it any more apparent.

“Why don’t you just say what’s on your mind,” Kadeem asks.