Chapter 53

Ardal

I hold Erbao’s hand as Jack’s nurse, Peggy, leads us to the exam room, the sound of our footsteps echoing through the white hallway. Erbao, with his youthful curiosity, gazes at the various medical charts and anatomical models lining the walls.

"Mommy, are we going to see Dr. Jack again?"

"Yep, little man,” I say, trying to sound peppy. “He’s going to make you feel better.” I look down at him and force a smile.

We stop by the scale, and although it’s been only a few days since his last appointment, Erbao’s lost a pound. Just a normal fluctuation, I hope, but the gaunt look to his face tells me a different story.

Peggy gets Erbao’s vitals before stepping out. Then, we wait. Erbao’s normally pretty talkative, but today, we’re both quiet. I’ve been dreading this for Erbao, and sitting in this room, the scary reality we’re facing is starting to sink in.

All the emotions I’ve been wrestling with over Jack and Kadeem fade to a background buzz. I think they were a bit of an ego defense anyway - a game of distraction from the true crisis I’m facing with Erbao.

The terror begins to claw at my insides. I hang tight to Erbao’s hand and cross my legs, bouncing my foot rapidly.

“Ouch.”

I freeze as Erbao grimaces.

“You’re squeezing my hand,” he says.

“Sorry!” I let his hand go, and pull him into my lap. I expect him to push me off - Mr. Independent Erbao - but he lets me hold him.

We hear a knock on the door, just before it swings open, revealing Jack and Peggy, with a cart in tow.

Jack hasn’t called or messaged me since he dropped me off Saturday morning, leaving me to wonder if he was just leading me on after all, or if I scared him off somehow. I immediately lower my eyes to avoid his gaze.

“Hi there, friend,” he says cheerfully to Erbao.

Erbao instantly brightens. “Hi,” he says, giving Jack a high-five.

“Hello, Ms. Wilde.”

My heart thumps. I jerk my head up to see Jack smiling at me, his blue eyes sparkling behind his glasses. His blond hair is styled so that it lays smooth. I can’t help but think back to our tryst, and the way his hair fell in soft waves that I combed my fingers through as I kissed him.

I feel the heat rise up my cheeks. “Hi.”

Oh, God, this is awkward.

How did I let myself get into this mess?

I feel utterly foolish. I’ve been responsible, rational, and all-around well-behaved all my life - and now, in my mid 20s, with five kids, I’ve decided to start mucking it up by sleeping with pediatricians!

“Big day,” Jack says, with a look of care and understanding. “But we’ll take good care of this young man.” He turns from me to grin at Erbao.

“And before long, this will all be an easy routine,” says Peggy. She nods to me. “For both of you.”

My hands tremble slightly as I help Erbao up onto the examination table, the knots in my stomach tightening.

"Mommy, you look worried," Erbao says, his voice filled with concern as he reaches out to touch my face. "Don't worry, Dr. Jack will make me better, remember?”

I force another smile, not wanting to burden my brave little boy with my fears and heartache. "You're right, sweetheart. I'm just being silly.”

Peggy leaves the room while Jack explains what they’re going to do. I watch Erbao sit up straighter on the edge of the exam bed as his doctor explains everything in a kid-friendly way, and reassures Erbao of his own courage. Erbao puffs out his chest, so full of confidence that I want to both laugh and cry.

The door opens again. Peggy wheels in a large machine attached to numerous tubes and monitors.

"Alright, Erbao, let's get your dialysis started," Jack says, as he begins preparing the necessary equipment.

"Is that the robot that's gonna clean my blood," Erbao asks, playfully poking at the machine with his small fingers.

"Exactly,” Jack says, chuckling at Erbao's enthusiasm. "It's going to be like a superhero, taking away all the bad stuff and leaving you feeling stronger."

I stand by my son's side, watching as Peggy and Jack connect Erbao to the machine. Jack is attending to the dialysis machine with gentle precision.

"Alright, Erbao, we're all set here," Peggy announces, securing the last of the tubes to his arm. "You're doing great."

Erbao looks over at me. “See?” His determined eyes meet mine, as though he’s trying to comfort me.

The emotion slams into me and I feel like I’m broken in two. It’s all I can do to keep from falling apart. The room seems to close in around me, the loud clicking of the machine is overwhelming, and I feel myself spiraling into grief and panic.

A lot feels uncertain right now, but I do know one thing - I am going to do whatever it takes to save Erbao. Whatever it takes to make him well.

“This will take a while,” Peggy says, raising her voice to be heard over the noise. “I’ll be back to check on you.”

“And I’ll see you next time,” Jack says, reaching his fist in to knuckle bump Erbao.

Jack turns to me, leaning in slightly so I can hear him over the clicking sound. “I’ve started the process of getting Erbao added to the transplant list,” he says. “There’s red tape to that, and it won’t happen right away, but as soon as we can, we’ll get your labs setup to confirm you’re a match.”

I nod. “Okay. Thank you… Dr. Rayburn.”

He shakes his head and leans closer, his mouth brushing my ear. “We’re past that formality.”

I swallow, my heart thumping.

“I’ll text you,” he says.

Inappropriate,’ I think, but a vision of me grabbing his tie and pulling him in for a passionate kiss unfolds in my mind. ‘So inappropriate!’ I imagine then tugging him into a storage closet to have wild sex like in some crazy episode of “Grey’s Anatomy."

I bite my lip. Jack’s smiling, like he’s seeing it all play out on my face. I hide my eyes behind my hand.

Delicately, Jack pulls down my hand. “You know it’s alright,” he says. “To be a mom, facing some really hard stuff - and be a woman, too. Do you know what I mean?”

“I think so,” I say.

“They’re not mutually exclusive.” Jack waves at Erbao and nods to me before leaving.

After he walks out, I begin to doubt his words, because my romantic life and this, are alien planets. And yes, I guess I’m entitled to sex like any other living creature, or just the ability to blow off steam, without feeling guilty that I’m not worrying 24/7 over Erbao, but I don’t know. I think my life may be too complicated already without throwing in dating. I start to plan on breaking it off with him, even though it’ll be weird as hell after whenever we come in for Erbao’s or the other kids’ appointments.

As I watch Erbao, another wave of sadness hits me. I push it back and smile at Erbao instead.

I spend the rest of the day numb - in a detached, problem-solving mode, intellectualizing everything - working on how I can attend to my own health to ensure a successful donor surgery and all the other things I’ll need to do to get ready. I’ll line-up both Hannah and Julia to help with the kids. I’ll talk to Kadeem about taking time off from work…

I check worries off my list with a dispassionate, Spock-like precision. Sometimes it’s better to bury than to feel.