Chapter 138

It’s an unforgivable decision, even in the face of - let's just be honest - a lot of shitty decisions I've made lately.

But there's a compulsion driving me and I don't have the power, or really the wherewithal to stop it.

I tiptoe quietly from Kadeem’s bedroom, and head down the hall, nearly blowing everything when I step down barefoot on something sharp, grunting in agony and letting out a mangled, “Fuck!” in the dark.

I bend down to examine what I’ve stepped on, my foot still throbbing in agony. Something razor-sharp, obviously, like glass, or -

Legos.

Freaking Legos. I kick them off to the side near the baseboard and wait, but no kids stumble out half-asleep to check on the noise.

Breathing a sigh, I continue my trek through the dark house. I pause when I get to the kitchen. Maybe I should write Kadeem a quick note. I look around for a notepad or something to write on.

Another "Mom of the Year Award" can be issued for this: I flip over Silas’ space painting to scribble out my lie to Kadeem, should he get back to the house and worry.

Stupid. Of course he’ll worry. How could he not when I'm taking off and leaving the kids in the middle of the night?

“Went out for fresh air. Kids are sound asleep - totally fine! Be back in a little while.”

I tap the pencil against the paper, then add with a little bit of passive aggression, “Don’t wait up.”

I check my phone again. Jack had said to give him about 45 minutes.

Neither one of us have messaged or called since we left each other in the woods. Well, I tried to send a couple of messages soon after, but he was probably still out of reception range in the mountains. Then, I’d blocked him, and unblocked him, and blocked him again, and most recently, after he showed up at my house the other night, I’d totally deleted his contact.

But a message came through tonight.

“Would you want to get together sometime soon?”

My heart skipped a beat. I knew who it was immediately.

Instead of turning him down like I should, I typed, “Will you meet me tonight?”

Then I sent him my location and directed him further up past the grove on Kadeem's property, which I'd found out today, while the kids were at school, backs up to a pond full of bullfrogs.

It's maybe a mile or two out, and off of Kadeem's stretch of land completely. Should be safe enough.

I take a deep breath and step outside. It’s chilly and the air feels damp. I shift into my wolf and take off through the patch of trees, paws skittering to a halt when I see what looks like fireflies - except they shouldn’t be out this late in the fall, should they?

Sprites?!

I follow the tiny orbs deeper into the thicket. The ground is soft and cool against my paws.

I hear them buzzing melodically as they zip through the air. I chase them further and further out. Sometimes they pause, as though waiting for me, but when I spring ahead, they shoot off again.

Next time they try their little trick, I barrel at them as fast as I can, then morph midair into my human form, reaching my hands out to capture the glowing beauties.

“Ha,” I say, opening my hands, but they’re empty.

“Ardal?”

“Ah!” I must jump ten feet in the air. I was so focused on my chase, I didn’t pay attention to another sound or smell around me.

Jack’s walking toward me, his dress shoes crunching over leaves and twigs. His glasses are off, his face is flushed, and there’s a soft smile on his lips.

It’s instant zen.

“I’m glad I found you," he says. His eyes are bright and nervous in the moonlight. “I wasn’t sure-“

He trips over a large dip in the earth, hidden by a pile of leaves. “Blast it!” he says, catching himself against a tree.

I move forward to help, but he steadies himself. His arms are warm and comforting around me when we embrace. The scent of tequila hangs on him.

“Thanks for meeting me. I hope I didn’t pull you away from something else.”

He shakes his head. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t turn down for you.” Then he pauses. “That came out unbearably sappy.”

“Totally, okay,” I say quickly, before breaking into a smile. "Wanna take a 'midnight stroll'?"

"I would love to."

"We can walk to the pond I found earlier," I say, trying to keep my emotions in check. "Unless you already passed by it.”

He shakes his head. “I wish I still had my wolf senses to guide me. I parked off of a dirt road, stumbled into somebody’s pasture, got caught in some barbed wire, and then, luckily, found you."

I notice the rip in his clothing for the first time. At my sympathetic expression, he grins. "It's okay. I've got five of these exact shirts."

We meander towards the end of the wooded area. I want so badly to take his hand and it becomes increasingly hard not to grab for it.

“Did you want to talk about something,” Jack asks when we reach the clearing.

I start to mumble an answer. I cross, then uncross my arms. Then I force my hands in fists, but they keep twitching for him, so I literally bring one balled hand to my mouth and gnaw on a knuckle.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m good,” I squeak - but motherfucker, I cannot stop my hands!

Gently, he reaches for me. I take his hand without a thought, blessed relief washing over me as soon as I do.

We make it to the pond, bullfrogs croaking. I breathe in the smell of the water and the moist earth. Tall reeds are blowing gently in the breeze. Jack’s hand's still in mine, and everything feels right.

"I didn't actually ask you out here to talk," I say quietly. "I just wanted to be with you for a while."

"Oh," he murmurs, taken aback. "I'm glad. I'm just… I don't know -"

"I know," I cut in. My voice shakes, reflecting my internal disarray. "It's confusing. Also," I add rapidly, "Can I meet Diane and see Mingan again?"

A sense of determination coils up with me. I stare into his eyes to impress upon him my emphatic desire. "I really feel like it's necessary to see them."

I start to worry I'm sounding crazier by the second and hastily backtrack. "I mean, it would be great if I could."

I gnaw on my lip, a desperate hope rising in me.

Jack scrutinizes me. Even in the dark, I can make out the beautiful blue of his eyes.

"Um, Ardal," he says, his voice a little grim. "I think I know what's going on. We should talk."

I nod my head, smiling. "Sure."

Holding his hand isn't enough anymore. Maybe I can just lean next to him. That wouldn't be wrong... would it?

I carefully sidle up to him, my shoulder touching his. The heat from his body radiates, and I'm nearly shaking in an effort to restrain myself from engulfing him completely.

Jack doesn't look at me like I'm a ridiculous weirdo, as he should. Instead, there's a deep thoughtfulness etched upon his face as he turns his head towards me - no doubt attempting to diagnose me with some kind of psychiatric disorder.

"Do you want me to hug you," he inquires kindly.

I clamp down my lips to fight the "yes!" that almost screams out of my mouth. I force my head to shake in a slow, meek, "no."

He releases my hand, eliciting sparks of pain. "That's okay," he says, shoving his hands in his pockets, "I'm going to give you some space. That'll help."

He looks behind him and crouches down awkwardly on a fallen log he finds near the pond.

“Sit over there,” he says, pointing to a spot near the water about ten feet away from him, and I get the feeling he's trying to distract me from my hyped-up desire.

“Do you know how to skip stones?”

I shake my head again. “Kadeem tried to teach me, but I...“ I feel the color drain from my face as I think about Kadeem.

Why am I doing this?

“It’s alright,” Jack says. “It took me a long time to get it, too.” He selects a small, smooth rock and flicks his wrist, letting it fly. “See, you just snap your wrist like that, and it gives the right spin.”

I try a few times. From his log, he keeps directing me, troubleshooting, till I’ve got it. He smiles proudly at my progress.

“Let me show you the game I invented, exactly three seconds ago.”

He laughs and I pick up a stone by my feet. I squint into the patch of lily pads, trying to find my target. "I call it, 'Hit the Bullfrog." I take aim, flinging it. The frog croaks and jumps off his spot, but the rock misses its mark, landing with a splash nearby.

“Missed!” I groan disappointedly.

“Lemme try,” Jack offers, pausing for a moment to focus. He lightly casts a small pebble toward a big, fat frog across the pond. With perfect precision, he tags it, causing the frog to leap off into the water.

“Hopefully I didn’t hurt her,” he says.

I grin over at him through the darkness. “You’re really sweet.” Then I start to feel like the worst person in the world! “Too sweet,” I say. “To deal with me.”

He gives me a crooked smile. "I don’t see anything wrong in you.”

I'm sick to my stomach with guilt. I want to lash out at him, telling him how wrong he is to believe that.

"No." I stare out at the water. "I'm selfish for asking you out here. I don't know how to handle all of my mixed up emotions, and it's not fair to you. I already hurt you before."

He clears his throat. “As much as I’d like to help you act on whatever feelings you do have for me, before we go any further, there's something I need to tell you. The thing is-“

Suddenly, a strong sensation grips me. I bolt up.

Jack stands up, too. “What is it?”

I’m aware of Kadeem’s nearby presence. My sense of his emotions collides with my own, sending my heart slamming against my chest.

And then, my life erupts in a dumpster fire.