Chapter 132

Kadeem shoves me onto the bed as we kiss, his mouth moving against mine, coaxing my tongue into his. The sheets are soft against my skin and they smell of him - a honey and clove musk that's as familiar as it is enticing.

By the way, his cabin is much homier than I’d expected. He finally admitted to me this afternoon that Riley had a lot to do with that.

I make a mental note to thank her later for the Egyptian cotton.

Kadeem sucks gently on my tongue and I capture his top lip in mine. His hands cup and squeeze my breasts, eliciting ragged gasps from me while I wrap my fingers through his hair.

The room is dark, with only the blue-toned light cast by the "on" button of a tower fan in the corner, and the phone charger on his nightstand.

I’m a lightweight, dizzy from my beer-chugging, and the short fall to his mattress sends me spinning a little faster.

Through the visual carousel, I find Kadeem’s dark eyes crinkling as he pauses to smile at me, face alight with bemused affection - and something more.

Guilt and self-loathing begin to churn in the pit of my stomach and I almost sigh aloud.

Damn it.

I should have made that second beer a priority.

I’m not anywhere close to numb enough.

Timidly, I reach up to caress him, running my fingertips across his unshaven face. His expression softens when I touch him.

The adoration that pours out for me in return - so immediately, so easily - sends a pang into my heart.

Sometimes, he looks so very much like the Kadeem of my past - before all the trouble began, when he was really mine.

'He is mine,' I remind myself... even though I don't truly believe it.

If I have found him again, it's imperiled now by this strange surge of feelings for Jack.

Kadeem dips his head down to my neck and kisses it, reigniting my hunger for him like a backdraft explosion of flames. I grip his ass with one hand, and with the other, I find his erection. The sound of his soft moans in my ear make me wet with desire.

Every shred of guilt, any negative emotion I have, evaporates as his skilled fingers start to stroke my clitoris, rubbing gently at first, but insistent. We move in tandem, as I jerk his cock more firmly and more rapidly till he's almost shuddering.

With his other hand, he slides two fingers inside me. His power sweeps me away, and I lose the last few shreds of control I'd been clinging to, a sense of abandon replacing them.

Kadeem smolders and I writhe - Zeus, holding his mortal captive. His fingers plunge harder and faster, and I arch into him, breathless "ohs" breaking the silence in the dim room.

Suddenly, it's not enough. I yearn for all of him, wanting to feel him consume me, wanting him to fill me completely.

My eyes implore him as I plead with my body, my breath coming out in shallow gasps, my heart thudding wildly against my breast.

He grants my unvoiced prayer. He removes his fingers and I stifle a cry; short-lived agony before he relieves it - pushing inside of me, his girth and length filling me up, both of us groaning in the intensity of it.

My lips trace soft kisses along his neck and shoulder as he thrusts slowly at first, painfully teasing.

Quickly impatient, I lift my hips to ride hard along the length of him, digging my nails into his back.

“Mmm,” he murmurs, then his mouth finds my lips. He begins to go faster, sending waves of pleasure through me. The bed creaks back and forth and I wrap my legs tight around him while he props himself up against the bed to thrust deeper.

I muffle my cries into my fist and my eyes rove over him. His form mesmerizes me.

He's lost in passion, succumbing to the erotic divine that is me and him, together. His handsome features are lit up with an indescribable allure as his strength gives way to raw vulnerability.

His forehead is furrowed in the aching need to thrust harder into me. His eyes are closed, framed by his inky black lashes. He's beautiful. Skin, a deep tan and smooth; muscles sculpted like a work of art.

But Kadeem doesn't stay lost. His brown eyes flutter open to find me, as though he's making sure I'm alright, I'm safe, I'm anchored in this rapture with him.

It tugs at my heart in an unexpected way, threatening to unleash tears. I choke them back, but Kadeem slows and studies me, panting.

"You okay," he asks softly.

His tenderness wells up a stronger tide of emotion. He easily registers it and pauses his movement, but I'm desperate to keep going and I move insistently beneath him.

"Let's stop," he says, even as his breath hitches in pleasure when I alter my angle. He grabs my hips to force me still, then kisses me to temper the ache we both feel building inside us.

"I don't want to stop," I whisper, struggling against his grip. I grind against him, needing to be taken over by the rush.

He bites his lip and lets out a moan. His gaze searches mine before he relents.

With each movement, we become wilder, more frenetic, in our union. We don't try to dampen our cries of pleasure. The bed thuds against the wall in a frenzied non-rhythm that gives voice to our frantic, desperate pace.

I throw back my head and close my eyes, the intensity growing till it’s too much to bear.

I feel his lips and then his teeth against my shoulder where it meets my neck. He bites down - exquisite pain spiraling me over the edge. I let out a ragged cry and euphoric oblivion claims us both.

But almost instantly, fear echoes through me, despite the post-orgasmic wave. Abruptly, I tear away from him, while we're both still riding the high.

The peace on his face is replaced by worry. He pulls me back to him, embracing me, and allowing me solace in his strong arms. My head is pressed to his chest, still rising and falling heavily, and I can hear his heart pounding against my ear.

When his breathing starts to return to normal a few moments later, he cups my face in his hands.

"Ardal," he says, staring into my eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I scramble up to find my clothes. "Let's just enjoy the after-sex bliss," I say, unable to keep the darkness out of my tone.

He stands up slowly. His voice comes out sort of hollow. "Hard to do when you're immediately running away."

He walks past me to collect the rest of our clothes from the hall. I've just slid back into my underwear when he hands me my t-shirt and bra.

He looks at me. He's gathering, I think, what I'm going to do next.

Do I hastily re-dress into my day clothes, signaling reproach, before I act out whatever destructive impulse takes me?

Or do I just slip on my t-shirt and fall into bed with him?

I want it to be the latter as much as he does, but anxiety is starting to overwhelm my better angels, worsened now, by an additional worry.

Sullen, he slips his boxers back on, tosses the rest of the clothes into a careless pile, and sits back down on the bed. He leans back, his arms crossed over his bare chest.

I leave off my bra and jeans, and pull my shirt on over my head, but I don't crawl in next to him. I turn to glare at him, instead.

"Why did you bite me?"

He blanches and unfolds his arms. "I didn't mean to... It just took over."

By "it," I know he means his wolf nature.

I also understand the lack of control. Frequently, I surrendered to my own primitive drive... and if I'm being really honest with myself, I'd admit that I lose out more than I win to its all-consuming, wordless will.

"I'm sorry," Kadeem says, shifting uncomfortably. "You didn't want me to?" His voice is marred in a confused kind of pain. "I was feeling like you did."

"No," I explode, emphatic.

I want to fly at him - to rage at him! I settle for throwing my bra and jeans at his face, but he catches them without flinching, and gives me a "Fuck off," sort of look.

What I told him is a lie. The moment it happened, I was as fueled by instinct as he was. I wasn't thinking of anything, but I was responding with a deep knowing: the pain, an aphrodisiac, the marking, an acceptance of an immeasurable love we both feel.

But so frequently inconvenient!

"You should have asked! Is my neck not scarred enough," I burst out.

He furrows his brow. "I think it's weird you’d talk about those bites like they were the same."

"Oh really," I ask. My tone is one-hundred trillion percent disdain as I ball my fists and grit my teeth. "Really, Kadeem?"

"Yes, really," he says, throwing the clothes I chunked at him to the floor.

"Well, neither one was exactly voluntary, was it? Both were choices you just made for me, to suit yourself!"

He blinks and begins to stammer. "I - well -"

"Mmhmm," I breathe, triumphant in my empty victory of nothingness.

"Okay," he booms. He bolts up and marches toward me. "Would you rather be dead?”

I inhale sharply, puffing out my chest to meet his fiery eyes.

"Both of those bites have dire, fucking consequences," I scream.

"What? You being alive? You being loved?"

"Maybe I don't want to be your mate, Kadeem!"

"Says the woman I just fucked, who moved as many bags and boxes in here as she could pack into her minivan this morning!” He starts to laugh angrily. “Do you even hear yourself?"

"You said it yourself, that I wasn't here on a romantic whim - you gigantic tool!"

His face goes red and his jaw clenches.

"And wanting sex doesn't mean I want to be bound to you for a lifetime," I snarl. "We tried that before and then you ripped my fucking heart out of my chest. I got another chance at a better life, and now you have just -"

I push him, but he catches my arms and snaps them back by my side.

The tears spring out of my eyes and I ugly cry into his chest.