Chapter 129

“Ardal,” Jack says, “Have you experienced any side effects - any changes at all?”

My hand drifts unconsciously to the scar on my neck. “From the bite?”

He nods.

“I’m not sure,” I say hesitantly. “What about you? Has anything... happened?"

“Yes,” he says solemnly. “A few things. If you didn’t notice anything at all, your reaction must have been very mild."

“And for you, it wasn’t?”

He frowns. “Pretty glaring,” he says grimly. “I’m not a werewolf anymore.”

I can't help it. I gasp audibly.

“Fully, anyway,” he continues, “I can't access the wolf side of me anymore. It's like it’s shut away somehow. Maybe gone for good, I don't know."

"I'm so sorry, Jack."

I can't imagine losing that vital part of me - that identity and the connection with the pack.

I glance down again into my lap. "But, yeah. I, um, I don't think I've noticed anything off."

"That's fantastic," he says.

I look up to see his face brightening.

"Hopefully, Erbao will have a similar experience - I mean, when you're ready," he adds quickly.

"Right."

We sit quietly for a moment, my hand still captured in his. The force tugging at me gets more intense - and I want to draw closer to him. Jack seems to feel the tension in me and he squeezes my hand gently, grounding me.

He glances down at his watch. “Ah, probably time for me to go.”

“No!”

I shout it without thinking, then try just as quickly to backpedal.

“I- I mean,” I start to stammer.

Fuck, I don’t know what I mean!

Jack scratches his head. “Well, I can stay - if you want me to - I just didn’t figure you would… Unless you keep vampire hours now,” he adds with a grin.

With my free hand at my side, I grip the edge of excess fabric on my jeans, pulling them taut against my thigh.

“No, um, still regular hours, actually. Is it hot in here?”

Sweat is breaking out at the back of my neck and across my chest underneath my bra line. I dart up quickly, releasing Jack’s hand. “Or is it just me,” I ask. I don’t give him a chance to respond - I rush to the hall to check the thermostat.

70 degrees. Not hot, obviously, but I frantically jam the button to turn the air down more. Then I lean against the hall in the dark and close my eyes, my heart hammering.

“Ardal?”

“I’m here,” I choke out.

My eyes are still closed, but I hear Jack’s footsteps as he comes to check on me.

“Are you alright?”

“Yep, yep. I’m good,” I say, my weirdly high-pitched, strangled voice giving me away. Well, that and the fact my eyes squeezed shut, and I’m pressed against the wall like I’m in a spinning Graviton.

“I think you’re having a panic attack,” he says slowly. “Just take some deep breaths.”

I try to do what he says, though it’s nearly impossible to take more than the shallow, rapid breaths of air I’m currently gasping out.

I’m dying. I’m really going to die. This is it.

Lights out.

Except, it’s not.

I feel Jack’s hands on my shoulders and a warm calm spreads over me like butter. I open my eyes to find him peering at me tenderly.

“Your amygdala is sending you false signals that you’re in peril and facing imminent death,” he says. “You’re experiencing a dump of stress hormones, but… it’ll pass.”

I break into a relieved laugh at his sweet, but very Bill Nye response to my freak-out.

“I’m already feeling better,” I say.

“That was fast,” he says, but laughs with me.

I want to kiss him. More - I want to suck on his lip. I want to bite his tongue. I want my hand on his-

Shit, shit, shit!

I let out a deep breath.

“That’s good,” he says, “Just like that - it really does help.”

I don’t know thatanythingwill cure what I’m feeling right now. Maybe an ice bucket?

“You should stay,” I blurt out. “Wait, no, um -“ I clench my hand back into a fist and bring it against my forehead as I grit my teeth.

I am bad. So bad! I deserve Hester Prynne's “A” tattooed on my chest.

“Actually,” I say, “That’s an awful idea. Because there’s Kadeem, and so we can’t - I shouldn’t…”

I’m babbling like an idiot, trying to talk myself out of the crazy desire taking me over. It’s not really working. I want him all the same.

“No,” he says quickly, adjusting his glasses. “I don’t want to get in the way of things-“

“But you’ll come back,” I burst out. “Right? I mean, because we can be friends, and, you know, I need to talk with you more about Erbao.”

“Right,” he says, nodding. “Friends, and um, there’s the other business to deal with, to help your son - Kadeem’s son,” he adds, frowning to himself.

I shift uncomfortably. He turns to go and I latch onto his hand immediately.

“I’ll just walk you out,” I say, and I have to fight not to drag him back with me instead.

He smooths his thumb gently over my hand. “Sure.”

God, I don’t want him to go. My heart is racing, as though we’re approaching the edge of a cliff, rather than the threshold of my door.

“Well, goodbye Ardal,” he says. “For now.” He smiles softly at me.

Do not kiss him, Ardal, you stupid cow! Donotstop him from going.

“Bye,” I squeak.

“You have to-“ He laughs and looks down at my hand locked tight onto his.

“Can you just - pry it off, maybe,” I ask, my voice strained.

He gives me a funny look. “Ardal? You sure you’ve been feeling… you know, yourself?”

“Perfect, yeah,” I say. “Totallynormal! We hadn’t dated long enough for you to, um,” I swallow, “Find out that I - I…”

Concern is etched across his face.

“Just help me out here,” I say, exhaling. “I can’t move.”

He uses his free hand to unwrap me from him. It’s not an easy task, because I can’t help but grip him harder - so tightly my knuckles are turning white. When he unbinds us, I immediately force my arm back to my side and shove it into my pocket before it reaches out for him again.

I clamp my mouth shut to keep from shouting at him to stay when he tells me goodbye. Instead, I just nod to him wordlessly and give him an awkward, closed-mouth, pursed-lips smile instead.

I let him go, and it's one of the single hardest things I've ever had to do. “Excruciating” doesn’t do it justice. It feels like a rip in the fabric of the space-time itself.

I pull the door shut and slide down it, folding into a heap on the floor.

All the restless angst is back, with a double-helping of sadness and pain. I remind myself that he’ll be back, that he’s not far away now, and Diane and Mingan are not far, either. I could go and visit all of them. I could take the kids, too. I could…

I daydream happily, daydreams spilling into sleep.