Chapter 110

Ardal

I jolt upright from the couch, my thoughts racing like a stampede. I'm desperate to move, to do something - anything - as I try to determine how best to tell him and force myself to accept that this fragile bond we just re-forged may be shattered any moment.

Kadeem jerks in surprise. The soft light from the floor lamp catches his face, lending a warm radiance in the otherwise dim room. "What's wrong?" His brow furrows with worry and he stands, too, his shadow silhouetting the beige wall.

I wring my hands together. My heart is galloping like a mustang and my stomach is twisting into knots. "Nothing - I... I feel sort of faint."

He raises his eyebrows in disbelief and then peers at me with a mockingly befuddled expression. "Well, maybe you should sit back down?"

He extends his hand towards mine to lower me to the couch with him. With some hesitation, I comply. I lower my head, staring into my lap. I feel him hesitate and then he gently brushes back my hair. I shut my eyes and try to fight away tears.

"Just tell me," he says.

I nod reluctantly, feeling a fresh wave of panic wash over me. Maybe I could tell a half-truth...

I swallow hard. "Kadeem, I know this is going to sound crazy, but, you're actually..." I sigh and cover my eyes with my hands. "I wish Maury Povich was here," I laugh half-heartedly.

Kadeem scratches his head quizzically. "I guess a talk show host could come in handy sometime?"

I grimace and squeeze my eyes closed, bracing myself. "You're the kids' dad," I squeak out.

Kadeem freezes with his fingers still wrapped through my hair.

I tuck my hair behind my ears with trembling hands. He lets his hand fall. I see a million thoughts whizzing behind his searching eyes, but he stays perfectly still, studying me, while waiting patiently for more details.

"We - we slept together seven years ago or so," I say quickly. "You wouldn't remember me. It was just a one-night stand. We were both pretty drunk."

Kadeem's eyes are hard and unyielding as he shakes his head. "No. I'd know if I hooked up with someone," he says firmly. His gaze feels like a spotlight. "Especially since I was married then."

I bite my lip.

"To a woman named Ardal," he says, slowly, his tone neutral.

My eyes shoot up to the ceiling fan. "Oh?" I keep my register light, hoping I sound innocent.

Kadeem folds his arms over his chest. "Yeah, but she passed away, or so I heard. We had just divorced, and I was plunged into the darkest grief imaginable. I blamed myself for what happened to her. I started drinking too much and drove my car off a cliff while I was intoxicated."

My stomach lurches and a queasy feeling comes over me at the thought of it all. I begin to fidget with my hands again, my palms sweaty.

"Uh huh," I mumble feebly, still averting my gaze from him. "That's really... heartbreaking, Kadeem."

"Right," he says. "One for the books." His tone is strangely sharp. "But that's just the tip of the iceberg. You see," he begins.

He reaches over to cup my chin in his hand and tilts my head toward him. "I lost all of my memories of her in the car accident. I didn't even remember I was married. I didn't remember growing up with her. Nothing."

He's gazing at me with the intensity of a laser beam, almost daring me to look away. My heart is slamming against my chest. Finally, I slump down in my seat and drop my head.

My throat is tight, but I manage to mutter, "That's funny, you're - you're saying that in the past tense, and you said her name so..." I rake my hair through my hands, feeling like a nervous wreck.

"So, I remember." His voice is low and filled with emotion.

Our eyes meet. He is unblinking and unflinching.

"I happen to have a hypnotist roommate at the moment," Kadeem says. His face remains serious, but there's a lightness playing in his eyes. "And I remember everything, Ardal."

My throat closes shut. I get up again, unable to bear being so near to him, unable to bear the sound of my name on his tongue. I pace to the door. "For how long," I sputter.

"Months," he says.

"Yeah," I croak. "I got the feeling sometimes, I -" My voice breaks and I twist open the knob to the front door, desperate for an escape. I spill outside into the moonlight and lean against the porch rail, my head swimming.

Kadeem's footfall creaks against the worn boards of the porch he settles close to me, turning so we're face-to-face. "I wanted to let you tell me whenever you were ready," he says with a tinge of humor in his voice. "But it's pretty clear you're an Empress of Avoidance and that day may never come."

"So says the Emperor of Avoidance, at least this summer," I say dryly.

I purse my lips, hesitating before speaking again. "I've been afraid you'd hate me again," I say. My gaze flickers towards him for a moment before settling back on the darkness outside. The streetlight in front of the house is burned out. "Are you sure all of your memories came back?"

There was a deep sigh in his answer. "You mean, the one when I was deluded enough to believe you tried to poison me?"

I nod slowly and fix my eyes up at the crescent moon, its light just barely visible behind a wispy gray cloud passing by. "That's the one," I whisper.

He utters a soft groan as he replies, "Things were really blurry at that time. But I'll never forgive myself for considering it, even for a second." His voice cracks slightly on the last word. "I'm sorry."

I turn to him and for once just narrate my thought out loud, the gravity of his confession crashing into me. "Can it really be this easy," I ask.

"Easy," he laughs. "When has anything been easy for us? At least in the last... I don't know, decade, or so."

I hug my arms across my chest protectively. "You know who I am," I say slowly, still in disbelief.

He gives me a faint smile. "I know you and I love you," he says.

Tears spring to my eyes. "Damn it," I say, covering my face with my hands. He wraps me up in his arms and I weep, my face buried in him, my ear pressed against his chest. I listen to his heart beating like a steady metronome.

"You don't have to do anything with that," he says. "We can take things slow."

"Yeah," I say in a hoarse voice. I pull away from him and wipe my eyes and nose with my sleeve, although the tears are continuing to stream down. "We should probably do that."

"Unless this is more avoidance," he ponders curiously, narrowing his eyes at me in suspicion.

I laugh despite myself. "Maybe?" I wrinkle my brow.

"Oh, Ardal." He wipes away my tears with his fingers. Then he glances down at his watch. "I don't want to, but I should go."

I let out a sigh. "Your lady awaits."

"Don't let that worry you," he says, straightening his posture. "I'm all yours."