Chapter 168

Lila

Hunger gnawed at me like a living thing. At first, I thought I was dying; some new symptoms accelerating in my stomach. But after a full day I realized I truly was hungry for the first time in what felt like weeks.

I told myself I could endure it; that I’d learned discipline under my father’s roof, that a few skipped meals were nothing compared to what I’d already survived.

But after cutting rations smaller and smaller, the ache hollowed me out until it was all I could feel. The more I tried to ignore the hunger, the louder it screamed, echoing inside me until even silence seemed to vibrate with it.

I paced the room in tight circles, my body too restless to lie still even though I had very little energy left. I moved through the next pass around the table and felt the plop of water.

Looking up, I noticed the roof leaked, fat drops splattering down onto the cot. I tried to shove the bed closer to the wall, but the damp still crept in, leaving my blanket heavy and cold against my skin.

The nightmares backed off and I dreamed of warmth, of dry sheets and hot food, and woke disappointed.

By daylight, I scavenged. Berries, nuts, a few edible leaves. I chewed slowly, forcing my body to accept them to ease the hunger, though half the time they only made me nauseous.

Once, I found a patch of mushrooms and crouched there for nearly an hour, trying to remember which ones killed quickly and which were safe. I left them untouched.

I pressed a palm against my stomach, whispering to Ruby though I knew she couldn’t answer. If she were strong again, I could shift and we could hunt; take down rabbits, maybe even a deer.

Instead, I felt like a child without a wolf, gnawing on bitter roots like a scavenger. The shame of it burned almost as much as the hunger.

The forest pressed in on all sides, loud with birds, insects, the occasional rustle of something larger moving through the underbrush.

Every time I ventured beyond the shuttered outpost, my pulse climbed higher, ears straining for the sound of hunters. A snapping twig was enough to freeze me in place, heart hammering so hard I thought it might give me away.

My mind ran away with every possible scenario. The worst was the hunters loyal to the palace. I imagined them moving through the trees, claws and bows at the ready, convinced they were doing noble work to drag me back.

At night, I’d curl against the cot, pulling the blanket over my shoulders, trying to convince myself the creaky floorboards wouldn’t give way.

The rain’s steady drip into the buckets I set out sounded like a clock ticking down to my discovery.

A couple of times I started to whisper Damon’s name into the dark, only to bite the word off with my teeth. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t coming.

But even if he somehow lived through the fire, what had he truly been to me except another jailer with false love?

Still, my body betrayed me. The remnants of the bond we shared kept trying to pull me back to him.

Every night I tried to reach Ruby, clawing for her in the emptiness inside me, but she was distant still.

Sometimes I thought I felt the faintest stir, like a heartbeat muffled under layers of fabric. Other times I wondered if she was gone forever, burned out of me by fire and poison alike.

I pressed my palms into my eyes until I saw sparks, until the pain pulled me away from the hollowness for a moment. But when I lowered my hands, nothing had changed.

I couldn’t stay hidden forever. I knew it with certainty that sooner or later, the forest would give me up to rogues, to hunters, or to Damon himself.

And when that happened, I wasn’t sure if I would fight to survive…or let them take me.

The howl came at dusk.

It started faint, like the wind winding through the trees, but I knew better. It was wolves.

My entire body went rigid, breath catching in my throat. I pressed myself against the shutters, peering through the narrow crack, but the forest was already thick with shadows.

Another howl answered the first. Closer this time.

I dropped back from the window, heart hammering so hard it mearly hurt. My legs shook as I scrambled across the floor, clutching the blanket around me as if thin fabric could muffle the sound of my breathing or hide my scent.

I slid into the corner, pressing my spine against the cold wall. Every instinct screamed at me to move, to run, but where would I go? If I went into the forest, I’d be seen. If I stayed, maybe they’d pass me by.

My hand found the knife Ronan had left, its handle a little too large for my palm. I wrapped my fingers around it anyway, pressing the flat of the blade against my leg to steady the tremors.

The howls rose again, overlapping now. There were at least three, maybe more. It could be Rogues. Or worse, the hunters I’d imagined that Damon had sent to drag me back.

My throat tightened until it hurt to swallow. I clamped my teeth down on the inside of my cheek, tasting copper. Anything to keep quiet, stay hidden.

Then came the sound of twigs snapping. Heavy paws. The guttural snarl of a wolf just outside the wall.

I slid lower against the floor in a defensive position, knife clenched to my chest. Dust from the warped floorboard stung my nose. I pressed a fist against it, praying I wouldn’t sneeze.

A scrape, nails on stone. They were so close. My pulse thudded in my ears so loud I almost didn’t hear the silence that followed.

Minutes dragged like hours. I pictured golden eyes peering through cracks, teeth flashing.

My grip on the knife was so tight my knuckles ached.

When the howls finally broke the silence, they were further away. As if they had been called off, or had found larger prey. Or they’d found exactly who they were looking for and went off to report back.

My fingers were stiff from clenching the knife, my legs numb from crouching. I let out a breath and it sounded strange, ragged.

I should have felt relief, but all I felt was the certainty that this couldn’t last. I couldn’t stay hidden forever.

I pressed my forehead to my knees, knife still gripped in my hand, and wondered aloud, “How long can I last like this?”

I didn’t think it would be long.