Chapter 192

I watched out the car window as Lucas exited the police station. From the heaviness in his shoulders, I could tell that the news wasn't good.

But I had spent the last hour in the car trying to get myself to calm down and come to terms with it.

Well, as best as I could right now, anyway.

Lucas opened the driver's side door and slid into the seat. He turned to look at me. His eyes, usually warm and comforting, held a sadness that confirmed what I already knew. He didn't need to say a word; I could see it etched on his face.

My father was gone.

I took a deep breath, struggling to summon the tears that seemed to have abandoned me.

"Is it him?" I asked, my voice a fragile thread in the quiet of the car.

Lucas nodded solemnly, and the numbness that had cocooned me tightened its grip. The reality was there, cold and unyielding.

"Did they... do they know how he died?" I questioned, my words feeling foreign as they left my lips.

"They do," Lucas said, observing my carefully. "Are you sure you want to know all the details? I can tell you later when you're ready to hear it."

I shook my head. "No, I'm ready to hear it now. I think... I think I need to know what happened. I need that closure."

Lucas hesitated before nodding, understanding that I needed to hear it for myself. He recounted the Officer Torrez's explanation – my father's tragic end, the result of his addiction... alcohol poisoning.

It was a bitter pill to swallow, and I should have felt the dread, the sorrow, but all I sensed was a pervasive numbness.

"He asked if we needed to pick up anything from your father's house," Lucas mentioned gently, his eyes searching mine for a reaction. "Did you leave anything behind?"

I hadn't been back to my house for weeks now. I wasn't even exactly sure how I'd left it, but I know I left a lot behind.

I only took what I needed to Grandma Jo's. My clothes, my shoes, makeup, and other small things. All of my most prized and important possessions were still at my father's house.

Thinking about setting foot in there again made me bite my lip in worry.

I didn't know how I would react to seeing my house, knowing that it's the last place I had seen my father alive. There were so many memories in that house, good and bad.

I already knew that it would be a challenge for me to have to relive all of those memories again once I walked in the doors.

If I avoided it now, I knew it would only get harder later. I needed to go and release all of my emotions before they festered. I found that it was better for me to get all the closure I needed now, because I would have to begin preparing what to do next.

"Can we?" I asked Lucas, my mind grappling with the details. The officer had given his permission, but the thought of returning to that place held little appeal. "How soon can we go?"

Lucas nodded, understanding the silent war within me. "Officer Torrez said it's allowed. But, Shana, we won't need to go back there if you don't want to."

"I need to go," I said with a firm nod. "I'm okay right now. I think I'm just trying to... understand all of this. I think visiting the house will help me get a grasp on all of this."

"Okay," Lucas said warily. "Do you have a key to your house? If you do, I can drive us there now. They cleared and cleaned up everything in case you're worried about that."

"No, I don't have a key, but I know the code to our garage," I muttered, the heaviness I felt inside matching my tone.

Beside me, Lucas remained solid. His hand, warm and comforting, intertwined with mine.

"Are you okay?" I questioned, the words escaping my lips almost on impulse. It was a sudden realization of what he had just done for me. He had just seen my father's... dead body simply so I wouldn't have to.

Lucas, despite his own encounter with the stark reality of death, squeezed my hand reassuringly. "Me? Shana, I'm fine."

The gravity of the situation struck me.

He had witnessed my father's lifeless body, perhaps glimpsed into the void that was once a person. A shiver ran down my spine at the thought.

"Was it... how did he... look?" I ventured, my voice shaky as uncertainty clouded my words.

Lucas met my gaze, his expression thoughtful. "Um, I'm not sure how to answer that."

Lucas seemed a little wary to express what he had seen, and I understood that. I could tell from the change in his eyes that he was seeing my father all over again, but he had to witness him in a different light.

"Did he look... like he was at peace?" I clarified, realizing the peculiarity of the question.

How could one find peace in death? Yet, some irrational part of me sought solace in the idea.

Lucas paused, choosing his words carefully. "I know he's at peace now, Shana. His struggles, unfortunately, overwhelmed him. I don't think he's grappling with those issues anymore. He's at peace now, I know that much."

I nodded, absorbing his words.

I tried to remind myself that while I felt this immense sadness in my heart, my father was in a better place now.

However, it didn't stop the tears from forming in my eyes again.

I tried repeating that to myself, but it still didn't take away any of my pain.

I just still couldn't fathom that this was my life. That my father was really gone. Why had this happened? What did it mean? I couldn't understand why it seemed like so many awful things were happening to me lately.

"I'll take us there now." Lucas put the key in the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot.

On the drive, we sat in the car in a heavy silence as I mulled over the implications.

So many things had suddenly been thrust at me. I had to deal with this loss, but I'd only just realized that I needed to deal with everything else that came with it.

How is one person supposed to handle all of this on their own?

What were the next steps that I needed to take?

I thought about all the things I needed to prepare and about my father's possessions, his life reduced to mere belongings.

What was I going to do with his car? With the house? How was an eighteen year old girl supposed to deal with all of this?

This sparked concern in me, and I looked to Lucas, hoping he had some kind of answer for me.

"Did he... did my father have a will?" I asked, the words catching in my throat. "What am I supposed to do next?"

Lucas's gaze softened, his hand reaching for mine. "I don't know, Shana. We can find out, though. Right now, the focus is on you, okay?"