Chapter 188

I ran and I ran and I ran.

Tears blurred my vision as I continued to push myself further and further. A watery haze of greens and browns coated my eyes as I sprinted through the sun-lit forest.

The world around me transformed into indistinct blurs of colors as I desperately sought to escape from the storm of emotions within me.

It felt freeing to be able to lose control like this. The last time I had shifted I had felt just as scared and confused. This time, I felt my body ache with a sadness that I had never felt before.

My lungs burned and my limbs ached as I continued to burst with energy. I was trying to escape from the reality of my life. I wanted to get as far away from the human Shana as possible. I wanted to remain like this forever and never return.

I didn't want to face the truth of the news I had just learned. I couldn't even think about it. Thinking about it only caused me to howl and whine with desperation.

So, I continued to move. Each stride forward felt like a brief relief. The continued rhythmic pounding of my paws on the ground gave me a fleeting comforting feeling. It allowed me to distract myself from the overwhelming sadness that clung to my wolf form.

The chaotic freedom of this primal state blurred the lines of control. I felt like I had no control, but at the same time, I had never felt freer.

I moved the way I wanted, and a strong sense of power intensified my body. I had never felt so capable and strong before in my life. It felt like I belonged in this form.

In this form, nothing could hurt me. I was untouchable. I was unstoppable.

This wave of strength made me yearn for the tangled mess of my thoughts to untangle. I didn't want to think about anything anymore.

I needed to run. I needed to run away and never return. I needed to get as far away from here as possible.

I repeated those things to myself as I continued to navigate through the trees. The further I got into the forest, the thicker the trees grew.

Amidst the blur, a voice cut through the air, calling my name.

I recognized that voice. There was only one person on this planet that I could identify that easily. His voice was like a blanket of comfort, but right now, I didn't want his comfort. I didn't want his sympathy. I didn't want his help.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to feel this pain but escape it at the same time.

My body felt confused as it ran through all of the many thoughts and emotions I was experiencing.

I didn't know what was happening or what to do.

"Shana! Shana, slow down!" Lucas's alpha said again, urging me to stop.

Well, I didn't want to stop. I wanted to keep going. I wasn't going to listen to him, and he couldn't stop me.

I wondered why I could hear Lucas's alpha. The last time I had shifted, I hadn't been able to hear it.

Was he tapping into my thoughts? Is that why he was able to do it this time? Or did it have to do with his closeness?

And how had he caught up to me? Was I not fast enough?

Perhaps it was because Lucas had more experience in a wolf-like form. This was only my second time shifting, afterall.

The thought of Lucas's presence being closer to me only intensified my anxiety. I quickened my pace, even more desperate to flee from his pursuit.

What was I going to do once he eventually captured me? I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. There was nothing Lucas could say or do that would take any of my pain away.

The distant howl that I heard only reminded me that escape was temporary.

I decided that I would enjoy my White Wolf form while it lasted. I needed to exert this energy and allow myself to feel free.

The trees began to grow thicker and wider as I ran further and further into the woods. A strange sort of energy or power radiated off of me and I felt electrified by the feeling.

The first time I had shifted, I felt a similar feeling, but this time it was much more intense.

What could that be? Did it have anything to do with the things that Professor Black had informed us of?

I let the strength push me forward as I navigated through the forest.

It was miraculous that I was running so well when my vision was still blurry from all my tears.

"Be careful!" Lucas's alpha said again, alerting me of his closeness.

It only made me want to escape his presence more.

I began to dart through the maze of trees, searching for some kind of escape.

But the combination of my emotions, mixed with my inexperience in this form, and the tears in my eyes, an obstacle suddenly emerged in my path.

In my blind sprint, it was something that I couldn't avoid. I ran straight into the tree and the impact reverberated through me.

With a pained yelp, I crumbled to the forest floor.

In an instant, the shift occurred. My fur had turned into human skin and my paws had turned into fingers and hands.

The forest around me transformed into a vibrant array of colors and textures as my human form lay sprawled on the ground.

Pain pulsed from the side of my body as I held it in order to comfort it. Touching it only made it hurt worse, and I hoped that I wouldn't need to go to the hospital. I had been there too much already in the past year. I didn't want to be around death and sickness.

Beneath the cover of the forest trees, I lay exposed.

Vulnerability began to replace the wild freedom I had felt in my wolf form.

Shame started to take over my sadness.

What had I done? I had just turned into a monster.

I had lost control. I had destroyed Grandma Jo's garden... How would she ever forgive me? I couldn't even forgive myself.

And Lucas... He had to chase after me like I was a little child.

I was embarrassed that I had caused so many problems, and yet, my own problems only seemed to multiply.

The rustle of the leaves and the distant sound of birds only served to remind me that while I was feeling sorry for myself, the world was still continuing. While I was here, feeling all sorts of pain, the world around me was blissfully unaware.

Sobs began to rack my body as I felt waves of emotions crash down on me. Pain for what I had learned and sorrow for what was to come.

It didn't help that half of my body felt like it was completely bruised and broken.

My entire existence suddenly felt so destructive. Why were these things happening to me? What had I done to deserve any of this?

I wanted to lie here forever and never return to my life. I wanted to lay here and soak in this feeling. This feeling of intense and complete hopelessness.