Chapter 5

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I stayed crawled up in my bed all night. And when the sun started to rise in the sky, I knew that I was in trouble. My stomach erupted in butterflies knowing that it was just a matter of time before I had to see Lincoln again.

I didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want people to think that Lincoln and I did anything last night that was by choice. He would definitely have told his friends about it.

I didn’t want anyone to know and just the thought of it made my chest tighten and my stomach churn like I was going to be sick.

I sat up on my bed, knees drawn up, arms wrapped tightly around them. Sunlight spilled in through the curtains, pale and cold, cutting thin lines across the carpet. The clock on the nightstand glowed 6:12 a.m., but it could have been any time, any day. Time had stopped.

The darkness around me pressed close, heavy and suffocating. Shadows reached across the walls, dancing with the faint flicker of light coming through the window. It was the kind of silence that made your own heartbeat thunder in your ears.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw flashes of him. His hand on me, his voice calm and commanding, the way my body had frozen and my mind had gone blank. The memory didn’t need to be detailed. I didn’t need to see it to feel it. I felt the weight of his presence, the suffocating control, the invisible chains he wrapped around me with every soft word and rough touch.

I tried to shake the images away, to tell myself I was safe now, that he was gone. But the memory lingered, like smoke that refused to leave a room.

And worse, he was still in my head.

Last night, he’d come by under the guise of comfort. He’d smiled, leaned in close, whispered in my ear that it was my fault for upsetting him. But it sounded more like he was joking.

“We’ll be fine if you just listen.” He’d said. But the words weren’t gentle; they were sharp, like knives wrapped in silk.

I nodded at the time, unable to speak, unable to tell him that I wasn’t fine. I didn’t even know how to explain the tornado that had taken over inside me, the dizzying mix of shame and fear and guilt.

Now, sitting here in the quiet, I could feel it all again. Every word, every movement, every command he’d ever given me.

I pressed my palms over my eyes, willing the tears not to come, but they slipped anyway, hot and burning down my cheeks. I felt hollow. My chest ached like it had been pressed under a heavy weight for hours. I was so tired, but I couldn’t sleep. Sleep was dangerous. Sleep meant opening my eyes to tomorrow, to another day of pretending, of surviving under the surface while everyone else believed I was perfect.

I thought about my friends. They didn’t see this side of me. To them, I was Reagan, the golden girl, the Alpha’s son’s girlfriend, the girl everyone admired. They didn’t know how small I felt when he smiled that way, when he whispered soft words that weren’t love. They didn’t know the way my body stiffened when he told me I couldn’t talk to certain people, or how I flinched whenever he entered a room unexpectedly.

I thought about Lincoln’s smile. The one that made everyone else melt. The one I used to love. Now, it was a mask. It hid everything. His charm, his warmth, the “perfect boyfriend” everyone adored. But when the doors closed, when no one else was around… he became something I didn’t recognize.

And it terrified me.

I got up and wandered to the window, staring out at the quiet street. The sun hung low, casting silver light across the empty pavement. Everything looked normal. Peaceful. Harmless.

But I didn’t feel peaceful. I didn’t feel normal.

I felt like I was fading into nothing.

Every step I took, every breath I drew, felt like it belonged to someone else. The Reagan that existed outside, at school, at the packhouse, in front of my friends, was gone. Or maybe she never existed at all.

I pressed my palms to the glass, staring at the sunlight and imagining running toward it, into the dark forest, into freedom. I imagined a life where no one watched me, no one told me how to sit, stand, smile, or breathe. A life where my thoughts were my own.

The thought made my chest ache.

I sat back down on my bed, curling into myself again. My legs felt weak, shaking with a quiet desperation I couldn’t control. My hands clutched the blanket so tightly that my knuckles went white. I couldn’t stop trembling.

I thought about the day. About the week. About every ‘correction,’ every whisper, every soft command that wrapped around me like invisible chains.

“You’re mine. No one else matters.”

“Don’t make me doubt you again.”

“We’ll be fine if you just listen.”

Each phrase replayed in my head, sharper and colder than the last.

I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t cry for help. No one would believe me.

Lincoln was perfect in public. He was loved. He was untouchable.

And I was trapped.

The clock ticked loudly, each second a hammering pulse in my chest.

I thought about calling someone. About screaming. About breaking something, anything, to make the panic leave my chest. But the phone sat silent on the nightstand, uncharged, unreachable. Even if I called, who would answer? Who could help?

My room seemed to be getting smaller the longer I sat there. My breaths came fast and shallow, rattling in my chest like tiny storms.

I could feel the edge of my fear pressing against me. The hopelessness. The helplessness. The unbearable weight of wanting to disappear, of wanting it all to stop.

I thought of a way to make it stop. A way to make the pain go away.

It was terrifying. And part of me wanted to run toward it. Part of me wanted to escape.

Part of me was so, so tired.

“Kenzie. Are you there?” I asked. She’d been quiet since last night. “Kenzie.” I repeated.

“I’m here.” She whimpered.

“I don’t blame you.” I said.

“If I lashed out, he’s the Alpha’s son.” She said.

“I know. You couldn’t have done anything to help me last night. I don’t blame you.” I said.

“I’m really sorry. You deserve a better wolf than me.” She said.

“No. You’re a great wolf. You’ve kept me alive.” I said.

“But I can’t protect you against him. I don’t know if I will ever be able to.” She said before she retreated to the back of my mind again.

I moved from the bed, stepping slowly across the room, each movement deliberate and shaky. My reflection in the mirror caught my eye. Pale and haunted. The girl staring back at me was someone I barely recognized.

I touched my face. I pressed my hand to my chest. I felt the panic in my stomach, the fluttering, the raw ache in my throat.

And then I froze.

The thought of stopping the pain, of silencing the fear, was right there. So simple. So immediate. So powerful.

I could almost taste the relief.

I grabbed my coat and I walked downstairs. I stepped outside into the cloud covered sunlight just as it started raining. The edge of escape, the moment where the world could finally quiet itself.

I walked through the woods behind my house until I reached the border. I looked around for the patrols and luckily there were none near this area at the moment.

I crossed over the border and I kept walking through the forest. Almost automatically. I was barely with it. I was numb. I could barely feel anything.

I reached a park that I used to come to with my friends. It wasn’t in anyone’s pack so it was called ‘no mans land’ to us werewolves.

But once I got to the park I walked to the lake and I leaned against the boulder next to the lake.

I looked around for a moment before I pulled a razor blade out of my pocket and I took my jacket off.

I held the razor above my wrist and hesitated for a minute. Thinking of my friends that I was going to miss. But then Lincoln’s face popped back into my mind. And what he did to me.

I pressed the blade into my wrist and all the way to my elbow. I didn’t want to give myself a chance to heal before I bled out. So I did it to the second wrist as well.

I felt myself slowly losing consciousness. Everything around me was getting blurry. I could feel myself getting weaker.

I got a smile on my face as I started to feel myself slipping away.

Not long now before I would be free.

But just as I lost consciousness I heard someone running up to me and grabbing me.

But it was too late. I was gone.