Chapter 94

Emily

If Logan didn't think that I was a recluse before, he surely thinks it now.

I have trapped myself inside of my bedroom, the door remaining closed. I have shut myself out from the world, refusing to look at the media as my families Sameer campaign against me ravages the media.

Logan’s family has been of help, keeping the press out of the video that was revealed in the courtroom. Even the judge has issued a gag order on the press who have learned of the videos existence, forcing them to remain silent as it is an active case going on, one that is not available to the public. They face the threat of the law if they published anything about it.

One would think that it would bring me relief to know that the media does not know of this stain from my past. It doesn't. I only feel dead inside as the days pass me by, swallowed in a depression so bad that I am unable to get out of bed most days.

If it weren't for my fiancé, I don't think that I would be a functioning human being. If it weren't for Logan, I would be a mess buried beneath the weight of blankets, someone in desperate need of a shower and a meal before their body begins to shut down on them.

Logan quietly enters the bedroom. He knocks on the door twice before I listen to the faint twist of the handle, his footsteps growing louder as he reaches the bed. I removed my head from the blankets, sitting up in bed as fast as I can, as he sits on the edge.

The tray holds simple food. Comfort food. Food that Logan knows cheers me up.

A grilled cheese sits on the tray. Beside it, is a bag of cheese, flavored chips, a bowl of fruit, and a chocolate candy that always puts a smile on my face.

But I'm not smiling anymore nor am I in the mood to listen to his words and motivation, his attempts to try and get me out of this bed. I don't have the energy for it. I don't know if I have it in. Need to complete a task as simple as brushing my teeth.

“I appreciate your effort, I really do,” I breathe the words out, knowing that denying his help will only make him push more, “but I would really like to be alone right now. I just…don't have the energy to eat.”

“That's okay,” he speaks in a low tone, “I'll help you, yeah?”

“Logan,” I whine. I bury my face behind my hands, unable to look him in the eye.

An immense amount of guilt washes over me. I know that he means the best, that he only wishes to help me out in any way that he can, but seeing him sit beside me with a tray that shows his love for me, only adds the guilt that weighs me down. It adds to the guilt of the sins that I have no recollection of.

“What happened isn’t your fault, Emily, you have to know that,” Logan sets the tray to the side. The smell of the grilled cheese lessens. “You didn’t—”

“It’s forged, Logan,” I hold back tears, “I-I don’t remember what happened that day. I don’t remember much from my childhood and it kills me to think that I could have done something as horrible as killing him.”

Sobs take over my body. I fall back onto the bed, covering my face with a pillow, my tears staining the fabric. He gently puts his hands on the pillow, peeling it away from my face.

I can’t even bear think about what is going on through his head right now. He must think that I am crazy, that I am just another mental case that he has to deal with in his life. With me, he has to constantly worry about what is going to happen next, what pain is going to taint our lives with one another.

His eyes burn into mine. He looks at me, as if I am the world in the palm of his hands, making me feel so seen, and yet I can't help but feel guilty on the fact that I have kept him away from his pack for so long. It's my fault that we are in this mess. My fault and mine alone.

“Emily…” he breathes my name out, causing my heart to ache, “why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“Would you believe me if I told you that I don't remember?” I whisper, hoping that he does not hear this admission.

I know he does by the look on his face. The way it twists from confusion, a flicker of distrust and flashing across his face before it disappears. I shake my head, unable to come to terms with the fact that he won't believe me.

“I can see the doubt on your face,” I force the words out of my mouth, unable to breathe properly, “I can see that you don't believe me—”

“I never said that,” Logan close his eyes, shaking his head, “I do believe you. I want to believe you.”

“I don't remember anything from my childhood. If I killed my cousin, then it's probably why my wolf is stunted,” the words begin to fly from my mouth.

I'm unable to stop them. I'm not sure if I want to.

“I don't want you to leave me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't know what I would do with myself if you left,” my sobs take over my body. I tremble on my spot in bed. My fingers try to get a grip on the pillow, but they feel so weak in comparison to the tremors in my hands.

“Hey,” Logan’s voice comes out firm. I look up at him. “I am never going to leave you. Don't you ever say something like that. I am going to be by your side no matter what, okay?”

I nod, unable to bring myself to agree with him. To accept the fact that he loves me and will never leave my side…even if I am a murderer.

“What did the doctor say when you saw him?” he asks, guiding my mind away from the possibilities of the future, cemented me back into the past. I sniffle, wiping my nose on my shirt.

“He said that I need to find clues for my past to remember what happened,” I sigh, finally able to catch my breath as the anxiety leaves my body. “I have an idea on what I need to do, but I am unsure if I'll be able to go through with it.”

“You know that you can come to me if you need anything, right? I'm here to help you through every step,” logan takes my hands and his, giving them a gentle and reassuring squeeze.

I shake my head. What I need to do does not involve him. He shouldn't be involved in the first place, my past is as big as a mess as my present. I bring his hands to my mouth and kiss his knuckles, and attempt to show my appreciation and love for him.

“This is something I need to do on my own,” I whisper, “I can't risk you getting involved in an even bigger mess. I hope you can understand.”

Logan doesn't respond. He stares at me with acceptance in his eyes. It pains me to know that I am keeping him out of this, knowing just how badly secrets has torn us apart.

“Okay,” he nods with a whisper. “That’s okay.”

We sit in silence. Neither of us talks. My eyes flicker to the tray of food, stomach growling from hunger. I sigh and watch as he grabs the grilled cheese, holding it in front of my mouth.

“Eat,” he states, “you’re going to need all of your strength if you’re going to get through this.”