Chapter 176

Fiona

I shove several outfits into my bag in a rush, not even bothering to fully fold them or organize them. There’s no time. Ryan said he’d be here in thirty minutes to pick me up and take me to the airport. He said we’ll be flying out the moment he gets clearance to use the company jet he can get ahold of.

“Going to the West is a bad idea, Fiona,” Isla says for the third time, following me to the bathroom while I rush to grab my toiletries. “What are you going to do there? His family doesn’t like you and Angela will probably be there somewhere too. Who knows what kind of danger is waiting over there?!”

“I don’t care,” I tell her as I squeeze my toiletry bag into the nearly overflowing suitcase. I don’t know how much to pack or how long we’re going to be there, so I don’t know exactly what to bring. I look around the room, feeling like I’m forgetting something. “What else? Am I forgetting anything? I feel like there’s something missing, and I—”

“Your common sense!” Isla screeches. She throws her arms in the air with a huff of aggravation then slaps a hand on top of my bag. “Just stop and think about this for a second. What if someone sees you and doesn’t like that you’re human. What if—”

“What if he dies?!” I scream and whirl on her.

Isla freezes, her eyes wide as she stares at me. Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open in shock. I can’t even bother to feel bad, either, because the worry for Ethan has me stumbling toward the bathroom and hunching over the stomach to retch up the contents of my stomach. I heave until my throat burns and tears blur my vision.

My heart pounds in my chest so loud it’s almost all I can hear. Hands guide me, something cool wipes at my face, and then Isla is guiding me toward the bedroom. Everything in me aches, including my heart.

I pull in a shaky breath and sit on the edge of the bed. I don’t think I could keep standing anyways. Since the moment Ryan told me Ethan is dying, I haven’t had a chance to breathe.

“Honey, you’re not even together anymore, so—”

“I-it doesn’t matter,” I sob, burying my face in my hands to hide the tears. “I can’t just do nothing. I have to… to…” another sob breaks through, shaking me to the bones as it fully sinks in. Ethan is dying.

Right now, hundreds of miles away, Ethan is laying in a bed possibly taking his last breaths and I’m not there with him. The thought of him being alone like that has me breaking apart, especially since the last time I saw him was when I was screaming terrible things and running away from him.

“Oh, god,” I groan. “Was this my fault?”

Arms warp around me, and Isla pulls me to her, shushing me and squeezing me in her best effort to comfort me. Though, it doesn’t help. I think the only thing that could truly calm me down right now is Ethan.

“No, this wasn’t your fault,” Isla says sternly, tilting my chin up to make me look at her.

“But he was probably distracted while fighting, and what if…” I can’t say it. What if I’m the reason? Had he been poisoned because he was distracted while he was fighting? Had he been thinking of me?

Isla sighs and pulls me into her again, whispering, “I don’t think it’s your fault. The fault belongs to whoever hurt Ethan. Not you, Fiona.”

I nod, hoping with everything in me that she’s right. There’s no way I could handle being the cause of him being hurt or killed. I’d been too scared to ask Ryan for the details and too worried to take the time to ask.

Isla holds me while I cry, letting me get the emotions out so that they don’t bundle up and begin to hurt. She tells me all the time to let my emotions out, saying that people who hold them in only end up being miserable.

So, I cry. I cry for the pain I feel, for Ethan being hurt, for having to leave him, for everything that we’ve been through. The culmination of all these things has me sobbing until I can’t breathe and until my body goes limp and quiet in her arms.

Who knew crying could make you feel better afterward?

Excruciatingly loud silence settles over the two of us, until she asks something I never thought she’d ask.

“Do you love him?”

“Why do you—”

“Do you love Ethan?” She asks again, placing her hands on my shoulders and looking right into my eyes. My stomach flips from the nerves and the weight of the question. I know my answer, but I don’t know if I want her to know my answer, which is ridiculous because she’s my best friend.

I usually tell her everything.

I want to say yes, but at the same time, I’m hesitant to say it out loud. Isla already told me what she thinks of Ethan, and the word awful would be an understatement, and after everything Ethan and I have gone through, I probably shouldn’t love him.

Leaving me, being with Angela, and not protecting me, are all the reasons I left him. Each of these is a good reason to not love Ethan, yet I can’t stop myself.

It hurts when we’re apart. I remember all the good times we had together and how he treated me so lovingly when we were together. Plus, there’s the baby who I already love.

Instinctually, I lay my hand on my belly and rub it.

My chest pinches with that familiar burning ache that’s been pulsing through me since Ethan and I parted, which has me thinking. Is the love I feel for Ethan just the mate bond he told me about? Or is it my real feelings? There must be a way to differentiate between the two, but then again, I don’t know because Ethan never fully explained the bond.

Another thing I should be upset about, but I’m not. I want to know more, to ask Ethan about it. That won’t happen if he dies before I can get to him and help.

Then, as if hit by a lightning bolt, my mind and heart are clear. I do love Ethan. He’s the only one other than my mother who I think I’ve ever truly loved- not dad, not Jack, not my sad little family- and he’s in danger. I need to go with Ryan and help.

This may be my last chance to see Ethan, which means it could be our last chance to fix things between us.