Chapter 210

Sarah POV

We walked down the same hall where my temporary room was, but she turned to a different door two doors down from a table on which sat a vase full of bright blue and yellow flowers. I stood in the open doorway as she put my phone on her nightstand charger, which oddly didn’t have a phone on it already.

Then she came back out and led me down a turn in the hallway, around a corner, and then out into the most beautiful Zen garden I had ever seen. Katya smiled at my little intake of breath. I saw it had been raked to perfection, not a grain of sand out of its place.

“It’s a copy of the Ryōan-ji garden at Japan’s Temple of the Dragon at Peace,” she explained with pride, “in Kyoto. Have you ever been to Japan?”

“No, but I really would love to go.”

She nodded. “It’s beautiful, and during cherry blossom season, it’s breathtaking. As you can see, it’s quite large and rectangular. The are fifteen larger rocks, but they are placed so you can never see them all at the same time.”

“Oh, I like that,” I said sincerely. The metaphorical implications were crazy-ass.

“If you’re planning to stay here more than a few minutes, I suggest you take a spot in the shade,” she said. “Now, I’ll leave you to it.”

I stood there alone with the rather imposing but still tranquility-inspiring Zen garden and thought about how to start. I hadn’t meditated seriously since school, where it was mandatory, but I used to be quite good at it and supposed it was up there with riding a bicycle.

I did take the liberty of walking around the entire garden, which was surrounded by a little path and then a wall of clay bricks. She was right; I couldn’t see all fifteen stones at the same time. It was such a great metaphor, I almost didn’t want to meditate anymore but instead find my laptop and do some research.

There was a sort of viewing platform with a wooden roof, so I sat on that, crossed my legs, put my hands on my knees, and started my mindful breathing with a word I had selected years ago, “knowledge.” It was a strength and a personal goal, and I felt it had very little bad way of disadvantages. People talked about the soul-killing power of fear, but for me the true danger was ignorance.

I repeated the word five times on my inhale and then again on my exhale. Meanwhile, I thought of each of my muscles in turn, relaxing them, trying to see if there were anything a part of my body needed.

My breath was easily flowing in and out of my body, and I saw myself like one of the stones in the garden, seen and unseen but always there.

I was walking among the many selves of my past, seeing some of them clearly and some not. I was aware some of the unseen selves were actually my future person, walking among everyone I had ever been. The person I was right then didn’t matter as much as the crowd of us gathered together.

Part of me waited for Zane or the girls or the moon to appear, but gently I pushed those thoughts away. They would appear or not.

I stopped and looked at myself a few years ago, full of dreams about being a teacher, getting married, and having children. Past-me smiled at me and then walked on.

I turned away from her to a future me, or a possible future-me, as all future-mes were. Future-me was covered in white and seemed happy. No, I realized, she was content and at peace, which was not the same thing. Future-me reached out as though to touch me, as if I were curious about myself.

Was this future-me very old who didn’t remember me well? Was this the resignation and peace of a long life?

She walked on then, and I was confronted with a different future-me. I wasn’t covered in white but silver, and it was still just as hard to see me. Much clearer were the figures behind future-me, and then the figures behind them.

I knew they were my children and my children’s children’s children. I felt like I could almost call them by name, and I felt the joy radiating from the future-me as I stood there, bathing over everyone and everything like moonlight shining brighter than the noonday sun. The joy and light were so strong they became a scent that filled my nose, a taste then filled my mouth, a heat warming my whole body.

Note to self: be sure to have kids.

Future-me walked away, and I found I couldn’t follow. There were too many me-shapes between us, and whereas I had been walking among a crowd of myself, they were now distant from me, backing away.

“Don’t go,” I said, but they disappeared, one by one, until I was alone.

I awoke, or came out of my meditation, and the garden was dim in the evening sun. My body ached from sitting still for hours, and when I turned to my left and right, I saw dozens of Oracles and priests sitting around me in meditation, all of them facing me.

As I watched, their eyes opened, and they began to stir. They smiled at me and then to each other, pleased. They stood and stretched, and I wanted to object. What right had they to make me some of meditative center? What was even going on?

But, goddess, I was so tired. Everything I had hurt, and I just wanted to lie down and sleep for a few hours. Just a few, and then I would be fine.

I swayed, and Janine called out, “Katya! Clio! Help Sarah to her bed!”

I wanted to protest, but my mouth wouldn’t open, and soon I felt hands on my arms, lifting me up to my unsteady feet. They half-carried me back inside and then to my room. I was asleep before my body was fully in the bed.

In what felt like a second later, I was awake, alert, and more than a little pissed off. I was also achingly hungry. It was time to get out of here as soon as I raided the kitchen.

The hallway was almost pitch dark, and without my phone I had no way to light my way. There were high clerestory windows to my sides, I knew, but they weren’t helping much. I did manage to make my way to the dining hall, and then from there to the kitchen, where I found a block of cheese and some bread.

I shoved bread and cheese into my mouth and groped my way back to the front room with the robes. I opened several cupboards, but there was no sign of my purse.

“Screw it,” I muttered and looked for the front door. Once outside, the full moon let me see better, and I could easily make out the temple in front of me. For the first time, I noticed there was a ridiculous high hedge on either side of the temple impeding progress around it.

I opened the door to the temple, which was illuminated by many burned-down-but-not-out candles. I passed through the short corridor to the main room, where my luck ran out. A figure was standing in the main room.

Then I realized I recognized that figure.

“Zane?”