Chapter 91

Derek helps me get into my bed. Bea and Tris have gone to take care of Sammy for me. I want them to have a moment to decompress after the entire scene they just witnessed.

“Thank you for standing up for me,” I whisper to Derek as he sits beside me.

He sighs. “I should have protected you. I will always try to protect you, Esme.”

My hands move to his face. “You couldn’t have known. You were at work. You were getting the girls. Who would have guessed Sadie would be waiting to attack me?”

“I feel guilty.”

“Please don’t.” I shake my head. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. I know if you were around, Sadie wouldn’t have come. Seems like you’re the one always saving me lately.”

“You’ve put up quite a fight yourself, baby,” Derek smiles.

“It’s what I’ve always done. But don’t get me wrong. You standing up for me and trying to keep me—and my heart—safe still means the world to me. I can’t express how glad I am that you’re in my life and how you’re always there for me.”

“Of course I’ll be there for you. I love you.”

My eyes widen at this sudden declaration from Derek. I turn my head fully towards him, and my mouth falls open, too.

“Did…did you just say…?”

“I guess I did,” he chuckles, his hand scrubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah. I mean, I already knew that’s how I felt. I just didn’t know I’d say it already. And I mean, if you’re not ready to say it, then there’s absolutely no pressure at all to, I just—”

“Derek.”

He stops talking. “Yeah?”

I shake my head and roll my eyes at his rambling. “I love you, too. Now, shut up and kiss me.”

The man smiles wider, and he leans into me, touching his soft lips with mine as we breathe one another in.

With heads still pressed together and hormones racing through me, I sigh. “You and I? I think we’re endgame, Derek.”

“God, I hope so.”

I giggle, sniffing as I feel tears falling down my face. When had I started crying?

To my surprise, Derek has already taken the liberty of inviting Annie and Lily over to help put me in a better mood. My best friends bring their partners and Chinese food for everyone.

“Ah, finally, you two are dating, and all is right in the world!” Annie cheers when she enters my room.

“Don’t scare him off, Ann, maybe he doesn’t know that Esme’s been crushing on him for months!” Lily warns.

“Shut up you two,” I taunt. “For your information, that is none of your business anymore.”

Lily’s mouth falls open. “No more hot gossip? Oh no, Pedro, how will I ever survive?”

“Guess you’ll have to gossip about your own drama then, mi amor,” Pedro volley’s back.

“What drama? Lily’s life is boring.” Annie throws a fortune cookie at our friend.

“Why are you always throwing stuff? Grow up!” Lily sticks her tongue out.

“Remind me why I invited these two over again?” Derek sighs playfully.

Annie puts her hand on her chest. “I am heartbroken you seem to think we’re anything other than delightful!”

“Yeah, sure, that’s what we were thinking,” Derek deadpans back, making Annie smirk at his words.

“Okay, you get a pass this time.”

“Anyways,” I interrupt them. “When are you going to hand me my food? I’m starving, I’ve hardly eaten.”

“Sounds like your problem, then,” Guillermo tells me as he pulls food out of the bag. “We’re eating this in front of you.”

“Annie, tell your husband to stop mimicking your sarcasm, it’s scaring me!” Lily cries.

“No,” the couple responds in unison.

I turn to look at my man. “Derek, I think you’re right, we shouldn’t have invited them.”

“Oh, speaking of invited, I tried to reach out to Melinda.”

My best friend’s both freeze, head’s tilting simultaneously. “Your slut of a cousin?”

“Easy!” I defend Melinda. “Let me remind you she and I are working on getting back to a good place with one another. She lost her baby. I have a hard time keeping any anger inside for her when I think about that hell.”

“I’m just surprised by your willingness to forgive her quickly,” Lily admits. “I mean no shade towards either of you with that. It’s just that she did a horrible thing.”

“And she’s apologized, and we’re working on it,” I say back.

“Kinder person than I’d be,” Lily shrugs.

“And that’s why you’re you, and Esme is Esme,” Annie states.

As everyone starts to gather food on their paper plates, the girls start filling me in on their own lives. I let them talk, eating my food as they riff off of one another and their own respective partners. Derek and I sit together with his shoulder staying against mine.

Bea and Tris are in the other room watching cartoons in my living room. They’re still rattled from earlier with their mother, but we’d given them time earlier to talk and nap next to the both of us. This was before I knew my friends would be over.

I know eventually, I’ll have to talk and admit why I’m on bed rest and what’s happened to me with Sadie. I just don’t want to hear it from my best friends about letting her in even though I hadn’t. And there’s still the matter of how I ended up in the hospital.

Maybe it was just a neighbor.

If the girls hadn’t been at daycare, I would have guessed Bea maybe called them because of all the screaming. But instead, the thought just dances around. Maybe it’s not as important as I feel it to be.

Derek bumps my shoulder slightly, which brings me back to the room. He raises one eyebrow and just stares at me. I’ve known him long enough to understand that he’s just checking in with me.

I nod once back, affirming nothing is truly wrong. My mind is just always racing. I just don’t want to keep having these huge, life altering conversations all the time. I want a mundane and boring life from now on.

“So, when are we going to address the gigantic elephant in the room?” Annie finally wonders aloud.

“Please don’t talk that way about your husband, Annie, that’s incredibly insensitive,” I immediately reply back.

She rolls her eyes. “Listen, I’ve told Guillermo how much I love his large ass, so there’s no secrets between the two of us on his elephant self.”

“Also, how did you know what she calls me in the bedroom? I thought no one else was in on that?” He bounces right off her jokes once again.

“You two are disgustingly perfect for one another,” Lily remarks with her own sigh.

“For your information, I meant what has happened now to Esme?” Annie groans to the group of people.

“Why, what happened?” I ask with the best straight face I can muster.

“You’re still a horrible liar,” Pedro snorts.

“Damn.”

Derek looks back at me, and his eyebrow goes up again.

“See, there’s something hiding behind that arched brow and Esme’s eyes!” Annie snaps her fingers together, excitement crawling in as she bounces on my bed with excitement. “Oh, you two have such good sex that she can’t walk now?”

“Annie, his girls are in the next room, stop it!” I gasp, horrified.

“I highly doubt they’d understand our topic of discussion,” she replies, shrugging now. “They’re eight and four, come on.”

“Please don’t discount how smart they are,” Derek interrupts. “They’re much more mature than you might think.”

Pedro and Guillermo look at each other, Annie and Lily joining in on all of them clearly confused.

I sigh heavily, knowing I’ll have to be open about this eventually. “Couldn’t even let me have one day off, could you?” I groan to the two best friends.

“No,” Annie states.

“Not at all,” Lily adds.

“Fine. I’m on bedrest because I had to see some doctors.”

Lily is immediately asking questions. “Doctors, what doctors? Is the baby okay, what happened?”

My arms go up to assure her. “Baby is fine. I’m fine now. Things were just…”

As I trail off, Bea and Tris come into the room together, still holding hands like they haven’t let go. My attention diverts over to them. They still seem so scared. It’s like Sadie never left the apartment. She’s not coming back—or at least I hope so—but they both look at our group with a sense of nervousness.

“Is everything okay, girls?” I ask them while the rest of the room joins me in watching them. They don’t seem to love the attention, even though they’ve met everyone here.

Derek gets up and approaches them in the doorway. “Girls?”

“There’s a lady here,” Bea finally tells her father.

“What lady?”

I start to panic for only a few seconds before Derek touches his girl’s face. “Not Mommy?”

“Not Mommy,” Tris answers.

That’s when I see her. Stepping around the little ones, a woman with matching blonde hair and blue eyes comes closer toward us on the bed. She still seems somewhat timid, like a new puppy in a home, and looks between all the sets of eyes in the room as she moves.

“Mom?” My throat is dry from the shock of it all, as Angie Zeta comes walking into my bedroom. I haven’t seen Angie in years at this point. Now, gere she is, in her own glory and pride.

“Hi baby,” she whispers.

“What are you doing here?”

“I invited her,” Derek jumps in. “I thought if there was ever a moment for your mom to come over and comfort you, now is the time.”

“You didn’t tell her Angie was coming?” Lily essentially echoes.

“No, it’s alright,” I assure the group around me.

“Are you alright, baby?” Angie questions with just a few more timid steps.

“Now I am, yes,” I mumble.

Annie huffs. “I’m so confused. Lily?”

The other woman laughs. “Your guess is as good as mine, Ann.”

But my eyes are watering with pure emotion as, for the first time in years, I open my arms to my mom.

“Oh, my darling,” Angie says, her voice cracking as she comes to me with her hug. After we grasps one another firmly, I finally let my tears and my heart crack under the façade. “I’m here, baby. I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

“Derek, please, I need you to explain why Angie’s here and what’s happened to Esme before I dump my entire takeout container on your head.” Annie’s crossed her arms with a straight lip across her face.

“Harsh,” Lily whispers.

“Come on, Ann, be patient with Esme,” Pedro pushes.

I sniff, clinging harder to Angie. I didn’t think in a million years I’d be able to hug my mom this way. I always thought if I saw her again, things would remain too tense between us.

But Derek inviting my mom was such a left field move that I can’t control the tears.

“Don’t cry, Esme,” I hear Tris’ tiny voice instruct from below. She’s next to the bed with her own tears ready to fall down her face.

“Oh, Tris,” I sigh, pulling away from my mother to pick up the four-year-old. “These are happy tears, I promise you.”

Bea comes to join us in the circle, and I sniff as my mom moves next to Derek. This is the moment.

“Derek’s ex-wife put me in the hospital,” I admit while tears still stream down my face. “And I need to get more off my chest before you guys freak out about that.”

“We’re not supposed to freak out about that?” Annie argues.

“Not yet,” I say.

For the first time in my life, I start from the beginning of the story.

“I was sexually assaulted as a kid. It’s not something I tell people. In fact, only Derek knew about it at one point. We had some older family members, people who’ve passed away from some issue or another, who would…do things.”

Everyone is so laser focused on me and what I’m saying. My skin grows with goosebumps, but Bea and Tris in my arms again gives me strength to keep pushing, to finally admit the entire story.

“I knew it was wrong from the start. I knew sitting on their laps while they did what they did was bad. I had nightmares for literal years. And then as I got older, I forced myself to repress it all. I didn’t want it in my head. I fought against the demons. Mom didn’t know. I didn’t have a dad. And the family members had long since passed. I promised myself I’d never let it happen again.”

“And then Ken happened,” Derek says sadly.

“And then Ryan,” Annie continues.

“And now Sadie,” Lily finishes.

I nod to them all. “When the last family member responsible for this hell passed away, I hid inside myself. No more being weak. I’d grow to be a strong woman. Strong enough to get an incredible job where no one had to take care of me. Strong enough to marry a man worthy of my love. Strong enough to never be hurt ever again.”

It’s still difficult to talk about it all. The silence in the room deafens me into continuing. The sooner it’s all in the open, the sooner I finally stop hiding who I am.

“So, that’s why I’ve been different for the past several months. It’s why Ryan and I splitting up has changed me. Why my PTSD has pushed its way back in. Why I get easily triggered and have moments of sheer fear.”

Bea holds on tighter to me. I’m not sure what she fully understands—though I hope it’s not much—as she hugs me. I feel her strength, and Tris latches on, too.

“That’s what you were trying to tell me, after all these years.” My mom talking first is surprising. I didn’t believe she’d be so willing to speak.

“How do you tell your mom about the worst things she could imagine?” I ask her, wiping at my face. “You thought Ryan was my life. You didn’t want to hear how broken I’ve felt over the months since I left.”

“He’s supposed to be your husband. Was supposed to. I was a fool to take his side instead of yours,” she admits, taking my hand in her’s. “I’m sorry, Esme. I’ve failed you as your mother.”

I shake my head. “You haven’t failed.”

“May I please…your baby. I want to be part of its life. Part of your life. If you can find it in your heart to forgive your mom?”

I shake with more tears, nodding as she sobs back.

No one says anything, but I swear I see multiple people wiping away tears before I can catch them.

I sniff loudly, one more secret needing to be shared.

“It’s a girl, by the way,” I say to those around me. “My baby is a girl.”

Like a switch, everyone’s emotions move to excitement and celebration.

“A little girl!” Annie and Lily gush together.

“Another Esme,” my mother sighs happily.

“Someone who will always be loved by those around her. Who we’ll always protect,” Derek assures me.

“The baby I’ve always dreamed of,” I finish out.

“A girl?” Bea seems excited by this. “You’re having a girl?”

I nod to the eight-year-old. “I am.”

Tris bounces in her spot. “Like us!”

I squeeze both of the girls in my arms, making them laugh with delight. “Just like you,” I whisper as I hug each of them closer to my heart.