Chapter 75
Derek has been by my side pretty much constantly the past few days. When we went to the hospital so that the baby and I could be checked, when the police finally questioned me, and then again when I came back to the apartment.
When I manage to sleep, he does whatever it is he needs to do. He brings over the girls the next day, who know something bad has happened.
“Are you okay, Miss Esme?” Bea and Tris stand at the side of my bed, offering smiles and cookies they’d apparently baked.
“I’m okay,” I say, my throat still raspy.
“Daddy said the bad man scared you again,” Tris adds, her hands fidgeting with her dress.
I nod, because I’m glad he’s not lying to them. “He’s not going to be around anymore.”
It took a long time before I was finally able to talk at the hospital. A psychiatrist came to speak with me to try to get a grasp on the situation. Derek answered most of the questions. But even when I wanted to talk, I found it difficult.
“Traumatic situations can tax the body to the point we shut down basic functions. I’d be surprised if you were behaving as you normally do.”
“Is she going to speak again any time soon?” Derek tried hiding the fear in his voice, but I could hear it from a mile away.
“Just be patient, and I’m sure she’s working hard to bring her voice back as soon as she’s able to.”
And she was right. It only took a few more hours. It felt like a light switch in my head. As though one moment, words couldn’t be said in any way, and then, poof, it was back without issue.
“Is your voice okay?” Tris asks.
“Just really hurts,” I explain.
Derek squats down to be at the same height as the girls. “Do you girls want to go play with Sammy for a little bit? Miss Esme is very tired still.”
They look at me, and I shoo them out with a smile. “Go have fun.”
Derek sits on the bed next to me.
“We’re going to court at the end of the week. There was a case that got rescheduled, and like I said, there were some favors that were owed to me. Are you going to be okay to go before the judge?”
Fear tries to creep up my body, but I’m overall just ready to be done with it all. “The sooner it’s over, the better.”
“Can I do anything for you?” He asks, taking my hand in his. My heart starts to scream.
“Can you call Annie and Lily when you leave?”
“Do they know anything?”
I shake my head. “I want to be the one to tell them. Make sure they don’t hunt Ryan down themselves. Plus, I need them there when we go to court.”
He nods. “Of course. Then I’ll make sure that happens.”
The next day is my baby appointment that I’d already made with the OB. Derek doesn’t even bother asking questions—he just shows up and takes me to the office without missing a beat.
Something new he’s doing is holding my hand. The first time he took it, we were in the hospital. The doctor had just left the room, and I was crying.
His hand felt strong as it gripped my own. I stared from his hand back up at him, but Derek didn’t say or do anything. Just sat there, legs bouncing with anxiety, holding my hand tightly.
My heart was racing at his gesture.
Now, as we walk together toward Dr. Leona’s office, Derek keeps himself close to me, almost like he wants to put his arm around me and pull me into his chest.
“Are you doing alright?”
I look up at him, and those eyes sparkle in the fluorescent lights. This is different. This isn’t like all the times before.
I nod once. “Doing what I can.”
We check in at the front desk, and Derek sits beside me.
“Think the doctor will tell you the gender?”
His smile is playful.
“Just want to know the baby is healthy.”
“I’m still hoping for a boy.”
I can’t help but let my smile tick up. “Oh, is that so? I didn’t know you were the one having this baby.”
Derek shakes his head. “You mean you didn’t know that? Oh, jeez, Esme. I’m afraid we’re going to have to need to talk about the birds and the bees.”
I sigh. “I knew my mother never told me everything.”
“There’s Esme.”
I raise a brow. “What?”
“Just nice to hear you joking a bit again. I missed it. The last thing I wanted was to push too hard before you were ready.”
“You missed my taunting and challenging you?”
“Is that so hard to believe?”
The nurse calls my name before I have a chance to respond.
Upon entering the room, Dr. Leona informs me that she spoke to the hospital doctors about my recent visit.
“I’m only bringing it up so you don’t have to. By law, I have to tell you I spoke to them.”
I just watch her, unsure what she wants me to say to her.
“Nothing was wrong with the baby,” Derek steps up. “I was with her at the hospital.”
“Oh, no, sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.” Leona’s face softens, her smile falling naturally. “I only wanted to ensure your comfort levels and safety. You are my top priority.”
“I’m just keeping up with my appointments.” My throat feels scratchy.
“Then let’s look at what we’ve got.”
The baby is still healthy. And Leona says my next visit in a month will reveal the baby’s sex.
“Come on, baby, be a boy!” Derek taunts at the screen, making all of us laugh. I caress my stomach, happy to know that my baby continues to grow, and continues to fight.
Once we’re back in the car and buckled in, Derek’s phone starts to ring through the Bluetooth in the car. Sadie’s name shows up. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this and it’s certainly not the last.
“That’s been happening a lot lately,” he groans, ignoring the call.
“Phone calls from Sadie? Or the fact that she’s continuing to get on your nerves?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,” I start slowly. “Elaborate.”
“Oh, where to begin,” he sighs.
“How about the fact you don’t stand up to her, yet she constantly annoys you?”
“Ouch.”
“Or that you’re so willing to offer advice and kindness to me but never seem to want to be open and honest with me.”
“Now that isn’t as simple as you might believe.”
“You’re right, I’m just a bundle of anxiety and you’re the male lead who swoops in to save me.”
Derek narrows his eyes at me. “That’s not fair. You have helped me on numerous occasions. Sometimes you’re better at being those girls’ mom than I am as their dad.”
“That’s not true. You’re just deflecting. I’m just asking why you and Sadie are in the position you’re in now and figure out why she affects you this way.”
He groans. “I guess you haven’t figured out how deeply wounded I’ve felt since my marriage failed. It’s hard to know what she thinks and what she wants from me.”
Derek rubs his temples. “I don’t trust people. Sadie took away that innate sense of trust. You know why I trust you? Because you weren’t trying to get anything from me other than the knowledge you did your job right.”
“Because I wasn’t trying to get anything.”
“Not everyone knows how to be that way. If I’m being forced to tell you the truth, it’s that I have commitment issues. I don’t know how I’m supposed to take care of another person if I couldn’t do enough to keep Sadie.”
“She was the problem, not you. You know that, and you’ve given up so much for your girls.” I feel bad for pushing him like that. I only wanted to know why Derek hasn’t been so forthcoming with pursuing a relationship with me.
Sure, now wouldn’t be the perfect time.
However, even with my world exploding into a thousand pieces, I can’t help but want. I want to jump over the edge together, go on a date, finally talk about the feelings we both continue to dance around.
But that’s not what is best for this time.
Bea and Tris need their mom, even if she’s not the best. And not only that, but I’m also not their mom. I’m not the person who held them and birthed them. I may care deeply for them, but the right thing to do is to step back and give them all space.
Sadie may desire control of her family again. Derek may tiptoe around the fact he cares for me.
Bea and Tris matter more than my silly heart.
Besides, I’m still married.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, not even waiting for his words. “It’s not my place to ask any of this to you.”
He doesn’t say anything at first. He just pulls out of the parking lot.
Then, he sniffs. “If I’m ever going to let someone in like I did with Sadie, I just want to be all in. Give her what she deserves.”
My mind and heart swell with warmth, but I know now can’t be the time.
“I’m sure she’ll feel all that and more.”
