Chapter 56

It’s around eight when I hear knocking on my door. I’ve been getting stuff done and cleaning the apartment. But the baby?

That has been causing some issues. Even wearing better shoes and making sure I’m taking care of my health and stress; I’m still not having an easy time.

And this is still the first trimester.

I’m only somewhat surprised that Derek stands on the other side of the door. We’ve only been home for a few hours since the day ended. We were both in different meetings for different things all day.

This is the first time I’m seeing him since yesterday.

“Hey,” he smiles, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Can I talk to you about something?”

I wave him in, closing the door. “Want anything to drink?”

My boss shakes his head. “Oh, no, it’s okay. I just needed some advice.”

We sit on the couch facing one another. “Advice? Aren’t you supposed to know more than I do?”

“Maybe sometimes,” he chuckles, which broadens his smile. “But, no. Sometimes it’s hard being a single parent.”

I continue to look, not sure what he’s talking about.

Derek sighs, shifting as though uncomfortable. “Bea’s birthday is coming up.”

“Oh, really? That’s great!” I say, imagining the little girl turning eight so soon. “But what does that have to do with me?”

“She wants her ears pierced,” he starts, biting at his lower lip. “And she has…questions. The kind that I’m not quite sure how to explain.”

“About what, like boys and cooties?” I laugh.

“If it were just about piercing her ears, then I wouldn’t be here. But it’s a bit more complicated than just boys. Or cooties.”

I search my mind for what Derek might be talking about, trying to understand what an eight-year-old might need information on that he can’t provide.

“I’m gonna need more; I’m sorry,” I say with honesty. “I’m just a bit confused.”

He looks at my front door like it’ll bust down any moment, before looking at me again with that uncomfortable fear hiding behind his eyes.

“She’s asking questions that normally, girls ask their mothers about. And turning eight, she’s probably only a few years away from…puberty.”

Wow, I really missed that was what he was trying to say to me. I try recovering. “Well, I’m assuming you’ve done your own research and probably bought one of those books that explains puberty best?”

He nods sheepishly. “Right after I took sole custody, I made sure to find anything that I needed in case they needed answers.”

“But you can only play both parent roles for so long,” I finish. “And you need a woman to talk to Bea.”

“Oh, not yet!” He’s defensive, shaking his hands and head. “I mean, I don’t see why she can’t have her ears pierced. She’s very responsible, always taking care of herself and Tris when needed.”

I think I get it now. “But you’re shocked at how much she’s grown?” I guess.

His ears and even the top of his ears immediately start burning. “Is that terrible of me? To want her to stop growing so I can keep her young and innocent forever?”

“I think it’s completely normal,” I assure him. “And I bet many parents are on the same wavelength as you are.”

“I just wish there was a way I knew how to give her all the answers without feeling awkward. Like, I know how to play the role of a father. I’ve been doing it for years, and Bea and Tris are pretty well-behaved.”

“But?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Having daughters isn’t exactly something that comes with a mandatory handbook.”

It was inevitable that he’d make a joke for me to laugh at. I shake my head out as the smile across my face widens. “So, are you looking for parenting advice, female advice, advice advice, or feminine advice?”

“Uh, there’s a difference?” He seems more confused than when he walked in now. “Cause I’m just worried about not being able to answer all her questions.”

“Well,” I think. “They’ll be showing that health class video soon. Most girls don’t actually hit puberty and get their periods until middle school. I don’t know how these nine-year-olds end up starting everything so young. But I was thirteen.”

He widens his eyes. “So, she might not actually be hitting puberty yet?”

“No!” I tease with a laugh. “Every girl is different. Sometimes it does matter to know the history of the mother. But otherwise, you probably have multiple years left, not just one or two.”

“I…I know how to play the role of the father,” he sighs, leaning back into the couch. “I’ve just been realizing that sometimes it’s hard to fill the role of the mother, too.”

“Derek,” I reply, hand on my heart. “You’re not Superman! I know I was teasing you about how you ‘know everything,’ but the truth is, there aren’t any perfect parents.”

My boss looks around the apartment again. The anxiety and uncertainty is coming off him in waves. The reason I can tell this is how he feels?

It’s because it’s what I’ve felt for weeks now.

“You know,” I say, trying to make things up to him. “Bea can come over and ask questions anytime. You know, she just might need a woman to talk to. I mean, can you imagine going to your own mother about condoms or sex when you were a kid?”

Derek snorts. “I cannot believe you said that.”

“What? It’s true!” I insist with a laugh.

“I want what’s best for my girls. I just don’t want to her classmates to influence or confuse her.”

“Do you know what she wants?” I question.

He watches me with his eyebrows starting to squint. “I give up—what do you think she wants?”

“You.” I gesture ahead at my neighbor, feeling as though it’s somewhat apparent in my mind.

“Okay, now I don’t follow.” Derek runs his hands through his exceptionally handsome dark hair. I can’t help feeling my heart as it screams.

“Bea and Tris just want their dad. They want you to love them and take care of them. I mean, they have someone next door to talk to who wants to be there.”

“You really…are you sure? I get the thought behind it and appreciate it wholeheartedly. But no matter your daughters' ages, they can always come to me. Whether I’m here or far away.”

Derek’s eyes seem glossed over as he considers this. I don’t think he expected my kindness to go so far.

“No one expects you to have it all put together. What parent thinks they have all the knowledge in the world? It’s adapting and growing.”

A smile peeks out. “That’s smart. Who taught you that?”

“You did.”

The smile widens.

“If I’ve learned anything since Ryan told me he wants a divorce, it’s that we take the help we can get. If someone offers you kindness, give kindness back.”

“Wow, you really are smart.”

I grab a pillow sitting idly by, and throw it at my boss, shaking my head at his terrible responses.

“Esme? I’m not sure if you want to hear this or not. But you really are a good person. And whether or not you or anyone else believes, you’re going to be such a wonderful and compassionate mom.”

Even though there’s no chance of anything happening between us, it doesn't stop the rate of my heart accelerating. I can’t hide the emotions that hit me in a way I’ve never felt.

I smile, trying to keep myself from crying.

“Thanks, Derek. That means…the world.”