Chapter 36

Derek has put me on immediate time off, a paid vacation for the rest of the week.

“No way are you coming back here before I make sure Ken gets fired and I sue Max for their bullshit.”

I tried to argue with him when he was leaving my apartment the other day. But he’s been adamant and unmoving on his stance.

“I’m not buying your silence. I’m simply just asking you to rest, sleep, and spend some time with yourself. Your plate is overflowing right now. Take a breather.”

He’s also recommended I consider finding a therapist if I need to. “I’d force you to see the office consoler, but I think your trauma is better suited away from anyone we work with.”

“What about you?” I taunt.

“I’m your boss. The people in that office gossip like we’re still in high school. And I’d rather your safety be a priority.”

“So, no one’s going to know I was assaulted?”

“Not yet. I’m keeping it on the DL until the paperwork is filled out. And I will make sure Ken regrets his actions. And ever being born, too.”

“Derek?” He was almost out the door when I called his name that night. “Thank you. For…everything, I guess.”

He stepped back into my home and gave me a smile I don’t see very often. It’s this soft, kind, and genuine smile that I feel in my stomach when I see it.

I reached up and gave him a hug without so much as a single thought. Wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling his warm body into mine, feeling his pounding heart as we stood there for at least one minute. That’s the most intimate I’ve been with Derek minus our kiss.

And it makes my entire head spin.

“You’re not your past,” he whispered in my ear. “Just don’t forget that.”

Now, sitting in my apartment, I’ve left my bed for the day. I let myself sleep Tuesday and yesterday, making sure that self-care has been a priority, and relaxing through the hours awake.

Derek checks in only once through text, telling me that work is quiet without me.

“Oh, come on, you’re telling me Jen and Dom aren’t still screaming over the Peterson project?” I type back.

“Oh, no, that’s still the loudest argument in the building,” he types back.

“Why can’t we be friends?” I write, adding a few musical notes to the response.

He sends back a couple of laughing faces, and I feel a tug pull from inside my chest again.

That feeling. That thrill of his voice in my ear, or the thought of him texting me to check in and say he misses me. The fear of my trauma made him want to step up and be there.

I’ve never been a person who demands attention from a man or someone who needs protection, especially after my history, which Derek knows just a bit more about.

But his attitude, his kindness, his being? They all make me want to be rescued. Just a little, though.

I never wanted that from Ryan.

I decide that since it’s the middle of a weekday, I should be able to head on up to the pool and relax for a bit. I gather my suit, a towel, and a book I’ve been meaning to start before heading out the door.

It’s pretty empty when I get upstairs—just a handful of people and a few mothers with very young kids giggling and toddling around.

I relax in a beach chair, which gives me a relatively decent view of the entire place. It’s a good ambiance; at first, I just close my eyes and listen.

But it’s quickly evident to me that I’d instead people watch.

I count four kids who look to be between two and three years old. They’re here with their mothers or maybe the nannies. I’m not sure. But the childlike giggles and the splashing water with these guardians watching over them melt my heart.

How different will my life become once this baby comes? Will I be able to give the baby everything it needs to be happy? Will I be a good parent who wants to be the best parent I can be?

Or is there a chance I’ll struggle to raise the baby and also take care of myself?

I don’t want Ryan to know about this for as long as possible. I know that legally, it’ll have to be disclosed. But Annie and Lily have kept their lips tight. And Derek…

What might Derek think about me being a single mom like he’s a single dad?

“Catch me, Mommy!” A child screams, jumping into the pool with a small splash. The woman who resembles him spins him around in her arms as the two smile together.

A motherly instinct has never once been something I’ve had. I have Sammy, and he loves me, sure. But a cat versus a human who can eventually tell me what it wants? Who can argue, fight, cry, laugh, any of that?

“What if I’m not a good parent like Derek?” I wonder.

I don’t know what comes with being a mom, let alone a good mom. There were a few moments when I allowed myself to dream about the possibility of being a stepmom to Bea and Tris. They’re both absolutely perfect ladies.

The time I have spent with them helps me feel some excitement for my own baby. They’re not mine, never will be mine, and I don’t need to be their mom to show them any amount of affection.

But the truth is, I would take care of those little girls as if they were mine.

I’d never pressure them. They have a mom. I’m just the lady living next door for the time being. I like helping Derek watch them or letting them come over to see Sammy.

“Baby, come here. I have a snack for you!” Another mom calls out to her daughter, who I instantly see is the one in the hot pink bathing suit in the pool. Her excitement to get to her mom is adorable, and I can’t suppress a smile.

I touch my stomach, caressing the still-normal body part. Soon, the baby will start to grow, taking up space in my body to grow big and strong, and I’ll begin to share the baby with those around me.

“A boy or a girl? How far along are you? Do you have any names picked out?”

I remember these questions all over my social media when I was in my mid-twenties. Many classmates from school and college were having babies, and everyone was excited for a new life.

I wonder if I should document the process. Or do I keep it to myself? It’s not like I can hide it after we hit the halfway mark. But no images will be going up online. There will be no gender reveal and no baby shower.

The only thing that matters right now is getting divorced from Ryan, keeping the baby from him as long as possible, and taking care of my own health in the process.

And then, I think of the smile Derek reserves for me, that I love feeling the recipient of his smiles.

Derek will never care about me anywhere near where I could fall for him. His friendship is all that I need to focus on. Being open, honest, and caring for him and the girls is all he’ll expect from me.

But that doesn’t mean my heart can’t genuinely care for him.