Chapter 26

“I cannot believe Derek interrupted your conversation!” Annie shrieks when Derek leaves the bar. “He was so jealous!”

“I don’t think it was jealousy, Annie,” I retort, getting down from the seat. Derek tried to pay for my drink, though it was just water. Out of all the people in my life who need to know I’m pregnant, Derek is absolutely not one of them.

“Really? The way he came up and just sat between you and your date like it was nothing? The way he acted like this was typical of him?”

I roll my eyes, drinking the water some more. “You two live in a fantasy world that I refuse to buy into.”

“You’re already in the damn one!” Lily snorts.

“Except I’m not. Derek is my boss, guys. But more than that, he is my neighbor. The last thing I want to do is put a strain on the already weird friendship we have.”

Annie lowers her eyes. “Girl, you really think what you have is all based in friendship?”

“Yes,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“I think you missed some classes when you were studying how relationships blossom and people communicate feelings,” Lily replies, shaking her head.

“My husband literally cheated on me with my cousin and got her pregnant. You don’t get to tease me about romance and relationships.”

It hurts to hear them say such things, even if they are true. But why must they continue to act as though Derek wants more than a friendship and another role model to his girls?

“Can we go home?” I complain, a yawn quickly following. “I’m so tired.”

The girls give each other a stare before moving to my gaze. I anticipate some snide remark or question, but instead, they stand up and wait for me to follow.

Not too long later, as I was falling asleep in my bed, I remembered Derek telling me about how he had collided with the girl's Lego table.

I can’t help but let a smile melt onto my face after that.

“Yep, you are definitely pregnant,” my OB says after looking through her paperwork.

“But you didn’t even do any tests or look at my stomach,” I argue.

She raises a brow and drops her papers down onto the clipboard.

“The urine test gave you up,” she deadpans. “I just haven’t had a second to ask if you want to see the baby.”

My cheeks burn. “Oh, sorry.”

Dr. Leona gives me a sigh, but her face grows gentle. “I thought this was what you’ve wanted, Esme. You’ve spent countless visits begging me to give you help in getting pregnant.”

I sigh back, embarrassed. “Because I did want a kid. In fact, that’s all I’ve wanted for some time now.”

“And what changed?”

“My husband got my cousin pregnant.”

I say it straight-faced, with no thought or malice behind the words. Leona seems taken aback by the statement as if she’s never heard something so preposterous.

Leona watches me, seemingly waiting for me to pull the punch of tell her I’m joking around. But as much as I’d love to pretend my life isn’t a raging soap opera, there’s nothing I can do to backpedal on this joke.

“I’m very serious,” I go on, watching her face.

Leona nods, returning to the paperwork in her hands. “Okay, then. Well, let’s get an ultrasound done to see how far along you are. Then, we’ll start talking about preparing for the birth.”

Preparing for the bitch. Not a sentence I thought I’d be hearing.

“Does Ryan know?” Leona asks quietly as she pulls on some gloves and squirts the cold goo onto my stomach to study it.

“Know that he’s cheating on me? Or that he’s got two children on the way?”

“That you are pregnant.”

I snort. “Pff, yeah, that’s funny. There’s no way he’d believe me, let alone support me in a pregnancy. Not when he’s trying to take me for all I’m worth.”

Her eyes just grow wider. “Geez, hon. You’re uh, you’re going through it.”

“You have no idea,” I groan.

“Well, how about we look at the baby then?”

I think I’ve officially scared my OBGYN. I think the fact that I’m not sleeping well is starting to affect my attitude.

That and Derek’s interruption last night. Sure, we laughed, and I got to learn more about him as a man and father.

But at the same time, he doesn’t have to worry about if he can take care of his kid. He’s already proven he doesn’t need their mother.

I will do this without Ryan. But the question remains: can I do this?

The ultrasound starts making a noise as the machine touches and slowly moves around my stomach. I turn to look over at my doctor, but instead, I find myself staring at the screen.

There it is. A small baby inside of my stomach, forming around the screen for me to see. I can’t feel my heart beating anymore and I even wonder if I’m still breathing.

“Wow,” I say, breathlessly. There it is. Three years of trying with Ryan, and the work appears before me.

“How am I going to do this?” I ask without thinking.

“Are you worried about doing this alone?” Leona asks, sympathetic toward my struggle.

I don’t know how to answer her. Am I weak if I say I am unable to do this? Am I a bad woman if I have no chance of succeeding?

“I—” I try to find my words.

Leona touches my arm, which grabs my attention to look into her eyes. “Esme,” she whispers. “If you can’t do this, there’s no shame in asking for help.”

“I don’t…” I start. “I don’t know….what the right thing is to do?”

“What?”

“How do I know what the right thing to do is?”

It’s out in the world. It’s been said, and it can’t be taken back. I stare up at Leona like she has all the knowledge in the world when in reality, she just seems to be watching and listening.

“Let me remind you,” Leona says, giving me the gentle smile I know so well from her. “That the most important thing in the world is your safety.”

I nod. “I’m safe.”

“Good, good. You know that you have the final say in whatever happens to you and that baby, right?”

I nod, though it doesn’t feel true. It feels like we’re lying to one another, which makes it worse.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to know that yet,” she reminds me. “All you have to know is that you’re safe and that whatever choice is made, you’ll be supported in this office, and by those who care about you.”

I nod, looking back over at the baby on the screen.

Hello, little one.

It’s me, your mom.

I leave Leona’s office and sit in the car for a short amount of time. I stare down at my stomach, watching and waiting for something to happen in the silence. But that’s just wishful thinking.

I know it’s too soon for the baby to be doing anything.

I didn’t even want to know the gender. If I know the gender, it might make it harder to come up with a solution.

When I get back to my apartment, I stand there in the big, empty space, realizing that I don’t want to be alone.

So, I pick up my phone from my back pocket, and send a few messages to my lawyer, Daniel.

“Hi, Daniel. Just looking for an update on what you need from me to do next in this divorce over my husband.”

I know he’s got my name saved in his phone, so I don’t bother pushing for a quick answer.

As I go through my phone, checking messages from work, I come across a message from Derek that I’d missed earlier today.

“The girls are wondering if they can see Sammy today. Hope things are well.”

Derek’s words seem to touch me in a way no one else can. Because as soon as I read the last word, I start tearing up at the kindness he’s chosen to show me.

It’s easy to push aside how your workers feel in favor of your own heart, but that’s not Derek. He’s genuinely kind to me, and wants me to do well at my job and in life.

I let myself cry over his words and the future. I know that eventually, I’ll be able to move forward without this crushing weight on my chest.

In the meantime, I just have to get through everything one single day at a time.