Chapter 21
Viviane’s POV
“It’s not that simple, Caspian.” I exclaim, shrinking away from him. “Mermaids don’t have mates the way shifters do – this is all new to me.” Seeming to hold himself in check, the future Alpha watches me retreat. “I don’t know what to think.”
Caspian squares his shoulders. “It’s not about what you think. It’s about what you feel.”
“Is it really that easy for you?” I counter, “you just know, unconditionally? You never feel unsure, you never feel overwhelmed by it all?”
“Yes.” He replies curtly. “It’s that easy. One whiff of your smell, one look at you, and I know.”
“But you’re also experienced, you know what it’s felt like with other women,” I remind him, “you have a very large frame of reference whereas I have nothing.”
“Nothing?” His wolfish eyes sharpen with possessive pride.
“Is that so surprising?” I inquire defensively, “Secret identities and dating don’t go very well together.”
“Then why have you risked it with me?” He prods, stalking me across the beach.
“Because you make me forget.” I confess, “I’ve been a prisoner of my past my entire life, but when I’m with you I can see only the future. You give me hope - you’ve turned everything I thought I knew on its head.” I beg him to understand. “And it’s too much, it’s too overwhelming.”
“That’s what being a mate is, kitten. All those sensations you’re feeling, I feel them too – the difference is that I understand where they’re coming from.”
“No, the difference is that you’re ready for them.” I correct him. “I’m not, Caspian. You’re talking about the rest of our lives and we’re only 18!”
“I hear you.” He promises, approaching me like one might a skittish horse. With slow, deliberate movements and outstretched palms. “But I’m not going to pretend this is something it’s not, Viviane. I know what you are to me - I won’t treat you like less because you’re scared.”
“It’s not just about being scared. I barely know who I am. I’ve only been free for five years and I’m still not safe. My whole world is focused on survival, on trying to study so I can get a good job and support my mother, on keeping food on the table. How can I consider mating someone when I don’t have the first idea what I want in life?”
“You won’t have to worry about survival with me. I will provide for you and protect you and your mother.” He declares, as if the matter is already settled. “You won’t have to bear that responsibility anymore. You’ll finally be able to let go; to enjoy your youth and find yourself. The fact is,” He continues, gentle but stern. “you’ll be more free with me than you are without me.”
“And then what happens when you’re done with me?” Until now I haven’t understood why this is so hard for me to admit. I know in my heart that Caspian is my mate, but saying it out loud, giving him that power and trusting him, is terrifying. As the words leave my tongue I realize why I find it so daunting: because part of me still thinks that he’ll reject me whether I’m his mate or not.
Caspian freezes, stalling our strange slow-motion dance across the sand: me retreating, him pursuing, circling each other like planets in orbit. He opens his mouth, fangs glinting, a growl already rumbling in his chest.
“No!” I interrupt. “You said yourself, wolves fall in love with people who aren’t their mates. What happens when you meet someone you don’t have to hide or coddle, when you meet a she-wolf the pack could be proud to call Luna?”
The thoughts are tumbling out of me like dominoes now, and try as I might, I cannot halt the torrent. “You go through women like they’re disposable, you have a different girlfriend every week. You defy rules and flout traditions at every turn, so why would you care about breaking vows?”
I can’t stop, now that the valve has been opened, there’s no stopping the stream of my doubts. “What happens if I’m not as easy to fix as you think, and playing the hero becomes more trouble than I’m worth? What happens when I find myself and become a person you don’t like? How long do you think it will take before you sell me?”
My lungs heave with great, gasping breaths, and my heart flutters like hummingbird wings in my chest. Caspian’s furious face is cast in shadow and torchlight, leaving only the piercing glow of his blue eyes for me to read his emotions.
“Come here, little mate.”
Trembling racks my body as I absorb the anger in his voice. How could I be so stupid? How could I actually say all that? I whip my head rapidly from right to left, refusing to move.
Now, Viviane.
The command sounds in my head, and to my horror, my feet begin moving forward even as my brain tries to order them to stop. Oh Gods. What have I gotten myself into now?
Even though I’m not controlling it, somehow approaching the enraged Alpha is less alarming than seeing him bear down on me. Still, if I had my own way neither would be happening.
When my bare toes finally nudge his in the black sand, I keep my gaze locked on our mismatched feet. His are twice the size of mine and more deeply submerged in the soft ground. I hunch my shoulders protectively, waiting for the inevitable blows and praying they will only be verbal.
I leap a foot in the air when one of Caspian’s massive hands clamps down on the nape of my neck, exerting just enough pressure to force my head up. With eyes wide as saucers, I meet Caspian’s glare, his hot breath buffeting my cheeks.
“Listen to me very carefully, Viviane.” He rumbles menacingly. “You may not be ready to hear this, but it needs to be said. My life, as I knew it, ended the day we met.” The power of his hands on my body stills my shaking limbs. “The man I used to be died and was reincarnated by your song. I was reborn into a world of your creation, and if you think I will not worship, honor and respect you as I do the Goddess above, you are sorely mistaken.” His head lowers, his forehead coming to rest against my own. “I will never be done with you. How could I be?”
Things have been different since that night.
Caspian and I are both closer and farther apart. Bonded by the experience we shared in the ocean, hovering on the precipice of falling hard and fast in love, but divided by my insecurities and distrust.
I wanted to believe Caspian, but at the end of the day pretty words are just that – words. Mordred was full of pretty words when he and my mother first married. Actions prove who a person is inside, and until I am sure of Caspian’s heart, I cannot risk trusting him with my own.
To his credit, he handled the situation with shocking tenderness. Despite his ire over my insulting implications regarding his character, Caspian focused on my fear, my damage. He told me he understood how difficult trusting any wolf must be for me, and that he’d brought this upon himself with his past misdeeds.
He said he wants to be better, he wants to be good for me – and so far he’s lived up to his promises. He truly seems to be trying, and hasn’t pushed me for physical intimacy. The problem is that I miss it, I’m starting to crave his kisses the same way I crave being near him, but Caspian is treating me as if I’m made of glass.
In truth, he’s probably right to do so. No matter how much I want his affection, when things start to get heated I panic. Sometimes I’m alright, others I’m a basketcase. I can’t blame him for being cautious when he doesn’t know which way a kiss will end.
Of course, just when I’m beginning to get comfortable with the idea of going further than making out, things get complicated.
It happens when we’re in Caspian’s bedroom, both taxed by long days at school without sight of one another. He’s sitting up in bed, letting me straddle his lap so I can feel more in control, despite the fact that he is very much in charge.
He’s rough and tender all at once, stealing long, deep kisses from my lips. He catches my lips between his over and over again, with the intensity of a drowning man seeking oxygen. His five o’clock shadow scrapes against my cheeks, and my heart pounds in my chest.
I whine when his mouth leaves mine to travel down my throat. My head falls back as he finds the soft spot behind my ear, then moves to nibble my earlobe. He strokes his hand up my side with painful slowness, giving me every opportunity to stop him. First he lets his fingers graze the side of my swollen breast, next grazing them over my aching nipple when I do not tense or object.
I gasp breathless from his kisses, yet feeling as if I’ll never breathe again if he does not return his lips to mine. I drag his face back up, swallowing his chuckle as he generously gives me what I so desperately need.
His hand cups my breast more firmly, massaging and brushing his thumb over the sensitive bud at its center, working me over until my hips are rocking against his. Caspian groans, rock hard beneath me but careful not to answer my urgent, grinding motions.
Suddenly he rips his mouth from mine, and before I know it I’m alone on the bed with him on the other side of the large room. I blink at him in confusion, seeing instantly that something is wrong. His eyes are glowing, his fangs and claws extended. His chest heaves with the effort of drawing in air, a truly wild expression on his face.
I know he is more wolf than man right now, so I avert my gaze and take a submissive pose, speaking softly. “Caspian?”
“Go.” He snarls, “Leave now, but do not run.”
“What–”
“I’m going into heat,” He grumbles impatiently. “If you don’t get out now I might not be able to control myself, now go!”
I slowly make my way to the door, following my natural instinct to obey. Yet when I put my hand on the doorknob I pause. “What if I don’t want you to control yourself?”
