Chapter 117

Nan’s POV

My entire world was aflame.

Fire filled my vision. Smoke burned my lungs. I held my breath.

The fire licked at my skin. Heated my blood. Seeking to fill the hollow of my bones.

The strangest thing was that I was not burning.

I should have been. Any normal fire would nave incinerated me. Yet I was not truly burning despite the way my world was now alight.

Lionel’s flames would not kill me.

I don’t think that was every truly an option. Not when his fire is a part of him. Not when Lionel himself loved me so.

It hurts.

I was not burning. Not in the physical sense. Yet…

‘My spirit,’ I realize with disturbing clarity. ‘Some part of my soul is being burnt away.’

I did not understand before. Mr. Holder’s words seemed obvious. Vague.

‘There will be intense uncomfortableness. Bordering on pain.’

That description now seems wholly inadequate to the sensations I am experiencing. This was more than just discomfort. This was the forging.

I suddenly sympathized with the sword. Blacksmiths used flame and force to forge their weapons. Is this what it felt to be the sword?

The flames are so hot. And getting more intense by the moment. Nearly unbearable.

I knew Lionel was restraining himself. ‘I think we’re messing with ancient powers here,’ some distant part of me considers. One not occupied by the pain.

I no longer think either of us is fully in control anymore. I don’t think Lionel could stop if he wanted. I have a sinking feeling that it would only be worse if he tried.

It hurts so much now.

‘By the Moon goddess,’ I think hazily. ‘I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.’

Moments flash before my eyes. Every good memory. Every despairing heartbreak.

The cheers of my parents the first time I rode a bike. The echoing silence as after my parents’ funeral. The hope for a better life when I get my first appointment slowly being eroded away.

It’s the totality of my life.

I can see the whole of my being now. Every moment that has left a mark. All of it tallying up into the person I’ve become.

This fire licks at those memories. Hungry. Ready to consume.

I know I will be burned away if I’m not careful. That my spirit could be scorched by these flames. But how could I possibly control the fire?

Will everything that makes me who I am be consumed?

My entire life continues to play behind my puling temples. It’s ugly and mundane. It’s beautiful and breathtaking.

‘Which of these contradictions is the truth?’ I wonder. ‘Am I supposed to sacrifice one of these?’

The flames grows hotter and scathing.

I cry out. “I can’t-I don’t think I can do this…”

“Nan.” A deep voice pleads. “Don’t give up!”

Some part of me knows this voice. My brain can’t quite recognize it in that moment. The pain making me ignorant of anything else other than my own suffering.

“You can’t give up! Keeping going! You can do this!”

‘How?’ My mind screams. ‘Help me!’

Perhaps I said this out loud. I do not know. For the voice responds to me then.

“Don’t think about the pain!” The voice commands.

“How can I not?” I sob. The motion rough on my abused throat.

Had I been screaming?

“Reach out your heart! Use our bond. Anchor yourself.”

The word ‘bond’ awakens some of my sense. Lionel. That must be Lionel.

I try to do as he asks. But it’s difficult. What if he feels the pain I am feeling?

My hesitation must ooze through the bond.

“Trust me.” He order. “You are not powerless.”

His words are a boon to my memory.

‘I’m not powerless anymore.’ I had told him that. Now it was time to prove it.

I reach out for our bond. Desperate. Hoping.

His relief and love are like winter rain. Cool against the fire eating at me. It clears my head some.

Mr. Holder’s own advice comes back to me.

‘Turn your attention to your bond. Any connection you feel. Focus on the love…it will be the thing that activates your powers.’

I let the bond wash over me. Lionel pushes his emotions through. His fear, his worry, his love.

I send back my own terrible fear and pain. He takes it into himself. Almost cupping it like he would a wound.

There are no true words in the bond. Not really. But if there were…

‘Remember…fight…remember what is most important…’

I see my daughters behind my eyes.

I see Patti dancing in her pajamas. The way her eyes squint as she colors. Her little hands reaching for mine.

I see Vera holding her own little ‘court’ with her stuffed animals. The mischief in her eyes when she plays a prank. Her trusting, sleepy eyes when I read them their bedtime story.

I see my family.

I see my mother helping me with homework. Her raunchy laugh echoing through our house. Her gentle hands as she brushes away my tears.

I see my father sneaking me out of school to go get ice cream. His stern yet fair demeanor. His outrageous attempts at cooking.

I see my sister Dena teaching me how to tie my shoes. The protective dressing down she gave a teacher who commented on my ‘low’ status. The soft light in her eyes only for Key and me.

I see Kay baking cookies with me at midnight. Teaching me how to put on makeup. Car rides in the dark when I got nightmares.

Then I see him.

I see Lionel playfully arguing with me over breakfast. His passionate kisses and the tender way he looks at me. The way he stands up against the world for me.

It’s exactly the reminder I need.

My powers come to life.

‘Life,’ I realize with amazement. ‘My powers mean life.’

A hum like sensation makes me realize I am right. I am awed. I let my instincts take over.

It gets right to work.

They wash over me like a tidal wave. Cooling the heat in my veins. Dousing the burning in my lungs.

The flames are no longer threatening to overtake me.

His flames no longer held the power to hurt me. Not against my will. They were harmless against my own powers.

Instead my powers are almost directing them. Not controlling. I can sense that is not something my powers are capable of.

It’s as though there is a path being carved inside of me. One for the flames to go towards. I see it then.

My spirit is meant to be burned.

Not destroyed. Not consumed. But cleansed.

I am granted a vision.

There is a taint around my soul. Not evil. Just a shadow.

It’s the representation of my pain. My self-loathing. My resentments that cloud my judgement.

It’s a sad sight.

I had not realized how much I pushed down inside. I did know how this damaged my spirits. I understood in that moment that these things could not be healed.

My own powers could not fix this.

But Lionel’s flames could do something better.

I no longer held back the flames. I used my powers to guide them towards the shadows. Letting them be destroyed.

Something gave way and broke. I began to weep. Like a baby first entering the world.

Lionel’s flames disappeared.

“Nan!” He held me in his arms. “Are you okay?”

I couldn’t stop crying. “Y-y-yes.”

The bond flooded with my emotions. The relief. The unbound joy I felt.

Lionel said nothing. I knew he sense something had profoundly changed within me. Something good.

I was free. Unburden from the injustices I had endured. It was indescribable.

I recalled Scarlett’s own joyous tears. I wondered if this was what she felt. As if she could see for the first time.

The shadows in my soul were gone.

I has been bathed in flames and woken up anew.

Re-made into a truer version of myself.

“Congratulations, Nan.” Mr. Holder spoke.

“That was a bit more than uncomfortable.” I laugh breathlessly.

“If I had told you the truth…do think you could have understood?” He asks gently.

I shake my head. “I think that’s something you have to experience yourself to truly know.”

He smiles. “You have passed the third trial.”

“Now…would you like those answers to your questions?”