Chapter 86

Renee’s POV

I’ll never forget the look on Eric’s face when I told him I was pregnant. Beneath the shock was the unmistakable radiance of joy.

Blurting out that I was pregnant was not exactly how I planned to reveal the big announcement, but seeing his eyes light up and his entire being heighten with a sense of refreshed vitality, I realized that it didn’t matter how I told him because the news is the same.

Its moments like these where I wish I could have captured his reaction camera, but even still I’m not sure a camera could authentically capture his emotions through its narrow lens.

Just then, the shutter of a camera goes off as Emily snaps my picture. Like a glare from lighting or red eyes in a photo, hopefully, her camera doesn’t expose my inner turmoil under my veneer of excitement.

“You know, apparently your phone takes better quality pictures than cameras these days,” I say rubbing my eyes as Emily shakes the small white square in her hand, waiting for the photo to develop.

“I like polarizes. It gives it a more nostalgic feel,” Emily says and I don’t argue back. “Besides, you’re little baby is going to like the real photo so much better than what’s on a screen,” Emily says her voice giddy with excitement.

We’re celebrating the pregnancy announcement with a baby shower, a bit premature in my opinion but Emily insisted since I never really had one for Debbie and she was kind enough to host.

“Just another thing for the baby to put in its mouth,” I say and pull myself up from her wooden dinging chair. I’m hardly showing yet, but this baby is already causing me discomfort. Eric comes swooping in to aid as I rise to my feet.

“I’m fine,” I tell him and manage a smile. Mostly. “Most of the time, the partners don’t come to these kinds of things,” I say and loosely wave my hand around the baby-themed room.

Since we don’t know the gender, Emily kept it neutral with greens and yellows. The theme is “Born to be Wild.” Jungle animal faces are blow up on the balloons making for a very obese looking tiger and monkey.

The cupcakes are in shapes of jungle animals while scattered across a table made up of fake grass. Later we’ll play Pin the Tail on the Lion.

Eric dismisses me. “I’ve missed so much with Debbie. I want to be part of everything,” he tells me. I know he doesn’t mean to, but a pang of guilt strikes me. Everytime he mentions how much of Debbie he’s missed, it’s a reminder that it’s because of me.

Which ultimately is a reminder of why. I try not to think about all that now and let myself enjoy this day that everyone is so excited for, but why can’t I be excited for it?

“Are you all right? Do you want something to eat?” Eric asks scanning the buffet spread in the kitchen.

“I’m fine,” I tell him and even I flinch at the sharpness of my tone. “Just tried,” I try to explain but it does little to appease the concern look on Eric’s face.

I know that no matter what I do to, no matter how much I try to fake it, Eric’s seen through my veneer. I cross my arms over my chest.

I’m not showing too much, I’m only a couple months along, but the white fitted dress with blue flowers I’m wearing accentuates my bump, especially as one flower blooms right across my lower belly. It’s like the baby is resting on top the petals.

Eric eyes me carefully. “What’s bothering you?” He lowers his voice. I look around Emily’s living room which she had completely rearranged to accommodate all the guests. I don’t even know half these people, most of them are Emily’s friends or colleagues.

“Let’s go outside,” I tell him. Eric leads the way and we pass Emily on the way out.

“I’m going to show Eric your garden,” I tell her.

Emily smiles, “that garden is my baby,” she says and I fake a laugh. Maybe we should throw her a shower instead.

Outside is much more peaceful. People still filter about now that the weather is warmed up. We’re actually nearing my death anniversary, what an odd thing to consider, but neither Eric or I mention it.

Eric and I stand by a tall round tables with a white cloth draped over it. In the table are a cute questionnaire cards that people can fill out. “Do you think the baby will have mom or dads eyes?” One question reads. I look at Eric and instantly hope the baby has his.

“What is it?“ Eric asks again. My heart aches seeing him in his light blue jeans and Forrest-green t shirt. He looks like such a dad. And unfortunately, that’s the entire problem.

“It’s just,” I start and don’t know how to finish. I close my eyes and take a breath to try and settle my thoughts. The floral aroma of Emily’s garden fills the air. “We still haven’t reconciled. I don’t know who you or who we are as a couple. I only know you as a father to our children and that’s great, but who are you as my husband?” I open my eyes and see that Eric is looking at me thoughtfully.

“What do you suggest we do?” He asks and I pucker my lips like I’m thinking, but I already have an idea.

“I think we should see a therapist,” I say matter of fact. Eric’s eyes look like they’re about to pop out of his socket.

“Therapy?” He questions loudly enough for a few standing nearby to turn their heads in our direction. Eric’s face flames and he lowers his voice. “Therapy?” He says again as if I didn’t hear him the first time.

“It’s a fast track to get to know you, deeply,” I explain. I fully expect Eric to resist and refuse. I know it’s a long shot, but I don’t know what else to do. We only have about six months to really get to know one another.

“Fine,” Eric agrees and now I’m the one stunned. Did Eric really agree? Eric? Eric sees my shock and smiles. “If it’ll make my wife happy,” he locks his hand into mine. “I’ve missed out on a lot with Debbie, but I’ve missed out on a lot with you too,” he kisses my hand and I remain speechless.

A couple weeks later, Eric and I stand outside our new therapists office, an hour away from home. Far enough that no one we know would see us here. Eric’s only condition.

“Ready?” I ask Eric who looks squeamish.

“Do I have a choice?”

“No,” I answer and flash him a smile just before I pull him inside.

The therapists office is calming. There’s plants of lavenders centered on clean glass tables, the walls are a soft grayish blue with gray hardwood floors and black furniture cushioned with white fluffy pillows.

“Welcome,” Donna greets us from behind her oak desk, she stands to take Eric’s hand. “You must be Eric and Renee, so good to meet you both,” she says with such a warm smile in convinced she means it.

Donna is an older woman with swirls of gray and white curls, she’s petite and has a kindness to her brown eyes that you just don’t come across enough these days.

“Hi, I spoke to you on the phone,” I tell Donna as she takes my hand in hers, it’s soft and wrinkly.gentle and comforting. I’m going to like her.

“Yes, congratulations you two on the pregnancy. I think it’s wonderful you’re here. I wish more married couples would come to therapy,” she peeks at us over her thinly rimmed glasses. “Couples think they have to come only when there’s a problem, but the truth is it’s best to start therapy before problems arise,”

She motions for us to take a seat. I sink into her comfortable black love seat where as Eric looks stiff and rigid as he sits like he’s in a business meeting. Donna doesn’t seem to notice. She takes a seat in her armchair and crosses her legs. “So, let’s begin,”