Chapter 24

Renee’s POV

I'm lying in bed staring at the blank white ceiling. Early morning spreads across the room and hues of deep blue. I check my alarm clock next to me, it's barely 6:00 in the morning. I told my head to the other direction where Jasper lay beside me lightly snoring.

I’ve since moved him up from the couch into my bed, I felt too bad after the first couple of months of him lying on my couch. And though he never complained, I could see it was starting to take a toll on his back.

When I insisted, he joined me in bed for a good night's rest, I told myself it was purely all for health reasons, I was avoiding the fact that I did miss having a warm body next to me in bed. But now that I looked at him. I wish you were back downstairs.

It’s weird. Dinner was great, Debbie loves Jasper, and I love Jasper- just not in that way. Or, maybe I could but right now I can’t decipher what we have because the only reason he’s in here in my bed at all is because we wanted to convince Eric that we were dating.

Our entire relationship never started as anything true and meaningful. Am I falling for the idea of Jasper or for Jasper himself? And why do I feel like something is holding me back from falling at all?

I gently poke Jasper's cheek. He doesn’t move. I pinch his nose just for a couple of seconds, and then he stirs, I quickly move my hand back and tuck it back under the covers

Jasper awakens with a yawn. he stretches him puts his arm around me and uses his freehand to rub his eyes. “Good morning,” he says sleepily, “What time is it?”

“Jasper, I can’t do this anymore,” I whisper to him.

“You can’t read time?” Jasper asks half-jokingly.

“I am serious Jasper. I think we should stop pretending,” Jasper lives himself up onto his elbows and pivots his body more towards me. Even in the dim light of the morning, I can see out of his muscles.

“What are you saying then?” Jasper asks sounding a bit hopeful. I realize I made it sound like I want to make this official and well that idea sounds tempting and I want to want it. I just don’t think that I can, not yet at least.

“I am saying we should end this,” I say to Jasper, and even though this is all pretend anyway this breakup still feels very much Real. Creases Jaspers forehead.

“But Renee, it isn’t safe besides me being around is good to monitor Debbie’s progress,” Jasper points out as though that’s the other part of this whole arrangement. Unfortunately, that is something else that is bothering me. Is not recovering as quickly as I thought she would be.

“It seems that Debbie‘s progress is at a standstill, not then I’m not grateful for all that you have done, “I quickly so that I don’t sound rude. Jasper is shaking his head.

“She could spontaneously heal, the way her body responds to treatment is a bit unpredictable. It’s not going to be a steady increase in progress. She could decline or she could suddenly improve a lot of factors that into it,” Jasper says, and gets ready to explain all of the medical jargon, but I wave him off.

It’s too early for that conversation anyway. I take a deep breath as I get back to the original point of this conversation.

“That aside, there’s too much pretending going on my life,” I shrug. Jasper gives me a sad smile and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I think I need to get back to ordering things in my life. I’m getting myself on my own feet before I start anything especially something based on pretend. Again.”

Jasper takes my hands and looks at me with sincerity and his eyes. “I understand, and please know I will always be here for you. “he gently kisses my hand, never breaking. “For Debbie.” I thanked him and we decided it’s best if he leaves before Debbie wakes up. At least I’ll have a couple of hours to myself to think of how I explain this to Debbie.

Luckily, Debbie didn’t ask too many questions. I told her that we both are very busy at work and need some time apart to which she replied that she hates work. I laughed and told her it’s what’s paying for her treatments.

Now I’m driving her to school and we’re singing along to the radio. This feels right. It’s good to be back to being the only one taking care of my daughter. We pull up to the school where a bunch of other little children are all running to the front door, their oversized backpacks swinging on their backs.

I help Debbie out of the car and once she’s on her own two feet she skips off to class yelling bye to me over her shoulder.

I feel a light tap on my shoulder and I turn around. It’s Mrs. Hazel. Debbie’s teacher. She’s smiling at me, but I can tell something is off.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, cutting right to the chase. “Is everything okay with Debbie?”

Mrs. Hazel puts a reassuring hand on my arm. “Yes, yes of course. I don’t mean to worry you,” she says but the longer she stands here and doesn’t tell me what’s going on the more worried I get. She looks hesitant, but I don’t say anything and wait for her to speak. “Debbie wants to join the soccer team,” she finally spits out.

“Oh,” I say, not sure how to respond. “I don’t think her health is up for all that running,” I say softly as I think out loud. Mrs. Hazel nods in agreement.

“Yes, that’s what I was thinking but,” I raise my eyebrows as Mrs. Hazel fumbles over her words. “I hope I’m not overstepping here, but I have noticed an improvement in her physical abilities and I think her joining the team would be an excellent way for her to connect with her peers. Of course, you’re the parent and what you say goes. If you even agree to let her play, we will need permission from her doctor,” I look over my shoulder in the direction Debbie went.

“Well,” I trail off.

“There’s practice today after school. Why don’t you and her doctor come and watch and decide for yourselves.” Mrs. Hazel says with hopeful eyes. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. I agree and we part ways.

This is awkward. I just told Jasper we should see each other less and now I have to call him and invite him to Debbie’s school.

At around four o’clock Jasper and I meet in the parking lot of Debbie’s school. “Thanks for coming,” I say to Jasper. He’s still in his scrubs which tells me he had to leave work to be here. He really is such a good man.

“I must say I was pretty surprised to see you calling so soon,” he laughs and I feel my face flame with heat.

“It’s health-related,” I explain. “The school will need a note from you,”

Jasper nods. “Got it,”

We head towards the back of the school where the field is. It’s a beautiful October day. I imagine many days like this where I could be watching Debbie play on the field and how much fun that would be.

I explain to Jasper that we have to remain hidden so Debbie doesn’t see us and try too hard to prove her health to us, we need to watch how she does naturally.

We stand off from the field a good distance away near a large oak tree that keeps us hidden. From here we’re a bit elevated giving us a good view of the entire field. I see a group of girls huddled together tying their shoes and braiding each others hair. I try looking for Debbie but don’t see her in that crowd. Maybe she’s in the bathroom? I can see the rest of the field and don’t see her on the metal bleachers or over by the water stand. Just when I think about going up to Mrs. Hazel and asking her where my daughter is, Jasper gives me a slight nudge in the arm and points her out to me.

I gasp.

Debbie is laughing with Nilo.