Chapter 29

Elena

My skin was pink and raw by the time I finished bathing.

The water in the bath was practically bubbling when I finally submerged myself, and in the first seconds it felt like my skin might peel off. I wondered if it would reveal a new shinier version of me underneath. I welcome the transformation.

The washcloth was bunched in my fingers as I scrubbed it across my skin, absent-mindedly scratching myself from time to time. I hardly felt a thing, my body numb to present pain as I relived the trauma of my past.

When Killian put his hand on me, it brought with a rush the memory of another time where he was touching my neck. He had wrapped his hands around my throat and squeezed until my light went out. It felt like the shape of his hands was tattooed onto on my neck, marked forever with his cruelty.

But of course, that hadn’t happened yet. And it wouldn’t happen at all if I had anything to do with it. If I could figure out the truth of Natalie’s disappearance, maybe I could rewrite my future.

I thought of the other future life I cared most about, and my hands went to my belly without controlling it. My heart broke for the child I had created and lost, both events caused by the same man.

Killian.

In spite of the heat of the tub, I shivered as I thought of my husband. My fingers spread across my eyebrows as I tried to erase the mental image of him in the kitchen. Because of our bond, I can still be caught off guard by the deep attraction that will always exist between us. It was my goal to never let him see me thinking about it, never betray what my body was feeling when my heart still hated him.

But tonight, I was tired and let my guard down. And he cooked.

“Unfair advantage,” I justified the empty bathroom.

I groaned as I let my head slide back to rest on the edge of the tub, letting my mouth hover over the water. A heavy sigh formed bubbles in front of my face.

There was a part of me that almost wished I could go back to the way things were, when I was blissfully ignorant of what a love-sick fool I was. This second chance at my life was both a blessing and a curse.

I stayed in the bath as long as I could, until my fingers were pruning and my muscles felt light molten lava. Slipping into a silk robe, I went to the desk in my room and took out a journal and fountain pen. My mind was playing ping-pong with my emotions and I thought writing them down might be helpful.

Fifteen minutes later the page was still blank accept for the date at the top, and my room echoed with the sound of my pen tapping against the wooden surface of the desk.

I stood, thinking that movement might calm me. But pacing only made me more anxious, so I did jumping jacks. I was in the middle of my second set of ten when the door to my room was opened.

“Oh!”

My body froze mid-jump, arms and legs spread wide like I was impersonating a starfish. The maid froze too, holding a tray of food, unsure if she should retreat or stick with her task. She drew her eyes to the floor as I adjusted my robe, as if she hadn’t just seen the Luna jumping around half-naked.

“It’s alright,” I said to her, authority in my voice. “A bit of exercise at night helps me sleep.”

She nodded, still not looking up, as if that made perfect sense and she might take up the practice herself.

“Of course, ma’am,” she said tersely. She lifted her eyes slowly, mechanically, until she could tell that I was full decent. She didn’t even try to hide the relief in her sigh. “I’ve brought you some supper.”

“What?” I hadn’t asked for anything sent to my room.

“The Alpha mentioned you hadn’t eaten yet, so intent on your cleanliness,” she said, speaking quickly to deliver. “He said I should bring you a tray— he put it together himself!”

Her excitement was so pure that I couldn’t hold it against her. I smoothed the hair away from my face and over my shoulders, affecting a more regal air. With a gentle smile I walked towards her.

“My husband is so thoughtful,” I said, almost winking in feigned camaraderie. “You may place it down there.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

Her face lit up as she was given a task, and she scuttled over to place the tray down on the desk. She took a step away and then stopped holding her hands in front of her, as if waiting for her next marching orders.

“Was there something else?” I asked her.

Nervous fingers played with her apron as she gathered courage.

“He would see you, ma’am, the Alpha,” she said. “I’m to tell him if her is to be received by you.”

My mouth twitched in amusement at her memorized words, sounding clunky in her mouth. Poor girl, forced to play the pawn in a chess match between two married people. I would be gentle with her, while staying firm against Killian’s advances.

“Tell the Alpha that his offer is kindly appreciated,” my tone was dripping with formality, “but the Luna requires her rest. I will not be ‘receiving’ anyone from him tonight.”

With a nod towards the desk, I went to inspect the food.

“Yes, ma’am,” she said, deflated. It wasn’t unusual for house staff to romanticize the Pack leaders, turning our lives into lore.

Her head was drooping as she went to the door, and guilt crept up my spine.

“You’re Marielle’s girl, aren’t you?” I said, the command in my voice making her stop short.

“Yes.”

“What is your name?”

“Amandine.”

She stood a hair taller when she said her own name. I saw how easy it would be to win her over, and I almost regretted holding onto the pawn in such a battle.

“Amandine, très belle,” I told her, seeing her light up even more. “You may tell my husband I am retiring, and then I hope you will take yourself to bed soon. Merci.”

“Bien sûr, madam,” she slipped so easily into her native tongue, then caught herself. “I will tell him.”

“And,” I held up my hand, “I appreciate your hard work, your attention and care. Come see me tomorrow morning, I would like to keep you close to me.”

Her mouth opened to speak— or shriek— but my face told her to stay calm. Her curtsy was deeper than necessary.

I chuckled and looked back to food as she opened the door to the hallway. The stew Killian had made was still warm on the tray, with a heal of crispy bread and fresh greens on the side. There was even a single flower, a pansy, in a glass cup at the corner.

My stomach growled and I realized I hadn’t eaten much since breakfast, too busy annoying Tiffany to think about food. I was reaching for the spoon to take a bite when noise in the hallway grabbed my attention.

It was Killian’s voice, and he sounded upset. A quieter, less confident voice was opposite him and I guessed it was Amandine relaying her message. She was apologetic, he was a petulant child.

“She should be grateful that I even thought to—“

Suddenly all relaxing thoughts of a warm meal evaporated and I stormed over to the door, whipping it open to reveal the scene.

Amandine looked like she wanted to disappear into the wallpaper. I gave her a look that told her she was not at fault and free to go. She curtsied once more then scurried away.

Killian’s eyes were large and dry, a mixture of disdain and disappointment radiating towards me. When he saw me his mouth dropped, and I saw the Alpha regress to a pathetic pup.

“Elena, please, can we talk—“

I didn’t hear the rest of the sentence, because I had slammed the door in his face.