Chapter 30

Evelyn

Days have passed since Sebastian’s second condition. I still hear the echoes of his words from that night, and it’s haunted me, day or night.

“Being with me. I’ve thought about it a lot, especially since what happened at Lolita. I don’t like this waffling. You’re up, you’re down, you’re diagonal? It’s like I need a road map to keep up with you.”

“You’re asking me what exactly, then?”

“To stop changing your mind. To no longer tell me after a fight or whatever that we’re not going to be together.”

Sebastian just wants to keep his heart safe. That’s what I believe, anyway. He clearly wants to feel as though I can’t hurt him. How can I fault him for that?

I stare down at my phone while sitting alone in my room. Olivia is studying at a friend’s place for the afternoon, so I’m here with my thoughts.

As I mindlessly scroll through Instagram, my phone starts to ring, and Mom’s name appears on the screen for a FaceTime call.

Knowing she’ll see right through me, I pick up the phone anyways, giving her the best smile I can muster.

Madelyn doesn’t need to know I’m toying with feelings for her new stepson.

“Hi, sweetie, how are you?” she coos. It’s so strange not having you around anymore; I miss you!”

“I miss you too,” I reply, meaning it. “How’re you and Gregory?”

“Oh, we’re doing well, thank you for asking. How are you? You don’t seem like your chipper self.”

If anyone can read me like a picture book, it’s Madelyn. “Yeah, just got a lot of stuff on my mind, you know? School and life stuff.”

“Oh? What’s going on?”

And there, that’s exactly why I wasn’t going to say a thing. Because she’s opened up the floodgates. There’s no chance in hell I’m going to tell her about Sebastian.

“Don’t worry about it, Mom, it’s fine.”

“Nonsense! I’m your mom! I raised you to be open and communicate when things are bothering you.”

Yeah, but only after the people at the hotel had started paying extra attention to me. And she still, to this day, doesn’t even know that.

“Really. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Honey, you’re not going to be able to work through it unless you get it out. Besides, you’re not home anymore, so I can’t help you all the time!”

I shake my head, wanting her to understand that I’m just not ready to be that open with her about this.

“This is one thing you can’t help me with.”

“Of course I can help you, Eve! I’m here for you, and I know you better than you know yourself at times.”

She’s not wrong about that part, but I’m still not going to tell her.

“I don’t think you can this time.”

Baffled, Mom’s jaw falls open. She’s clearly not used to the persistence. “Can you talk to someone at least, my love?”

I think hard about it, wondering who could possibly be willing to listen to my sob story, let alone keep it to myself.

“I don’t know if I do.”

“What about Sebastian?”

I nearly burst into hysterical laughter at those words, but instead, I bite the inside of my cheek. “Maybe?”

“Look, sweetheart. If you can talk to anyone, then you should. If it’s Sebastian you can talk to, then go to him. A stepbrother is still a brother. If he can be the shoulder you lean on when you’re dealing with your troubles, then do it. That’s what I’d want for you.”

Oh, how funny her words truly are. She makes me want to cry out every last drop of how I’m feeling, but I can’t.

The lies and truths continue to weave their way through my mind and each sentence I utter. How can I be honest with someone if half of what they know is only a long, nonstop lie?

“Thank you, Mom.”

“I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk, okay my dear? I love you with all my heart and want you to be happy. Whatever it is, you can get through it no matter what.”

But is that true?

“Thank you,” I say again. “I’m gonna get back to my homework.”

“Good luck, Eve. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

My mom disappears from the screen, my face alone in the camera for a second before the screen returns to Instagram.

I want to do what’s right. That’s what’s so difficult.

“In life, people make decisions based on those around them. And with you? I shouldn’t have to choose between what’s right and what’s easy.”

Sebastian had said those words to me not long ago. I thought it was strange that he’d told me he’d have to make a decision between them.

The right thing shouldn’t be this painful. It shouldn’t force me to compromise on everything I know and understand about myself and about romance and love.

Because that’s what this is, isn’t it?

My feelings for Lucas? That wasn’t love. That was barely even infatuation.

It was what I believed to be love.

But that wasn’t what felt right and safe. I thought I knew what love meant to me, but as I sit here and question Sebastian’s words with my heart, I realize it’s no simple answer.

“Choosing between what’s right and what’s easy is like choosing between two people you can’t bear to be without,” I say to myself.

Sebastian may not feel this way, and I have to be okay with that.

The night we met.

The way his eyes sparkled as he held me.

“Hawaiian girl?” He’d asked me, looking so deep into my heart that I hadn’t even noticed.

Has Sebastian always felt something for me? Or does he want me simply to give me ire? No, I know that’s not the truth.

“He doesn’t want you to win a game, Evelyn. He wants you because he wants you.”

Is that what this is? Is this what love is supposed to be? Feelings so strong and so powerful that they take away your breath and render you completely speechless?

“But does he love you?”

I don’t know if he does.

“Hey girly, what’s up?” Ava asks me when she picks up her FaceTime call. She’s wearing her headphones and walking across campus. She must have just finished cheer for the night.

“I wanted to talk to you about something kind of…personal. And I need you to keep it to yourself and not tell anyone, especially Olivia.”

She looks down at the call like I’ve said I have three heads, before looking back up as she walks.

“Okay? You’re freaking me out a bit, dude,” she responds as her blonde hair swishes back and forth on the screen.

So, I lay it on her.

Without using Sebastian’s name, I give her as many details as I possibly can without spoiling his identity. I explain that we had a romantic one-night stand. I tell her he’s always looking out for me.

I tell her I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is what love is supposed to be.

“I’ve only ever thought I was in love one time. And that turned out to be a fluke, so now I’m not even sure I can find it again.”

Ava furrows her blonde eyebrows at me. “You’re eighteen, Evelyn. You think love is a one-and-done?”

I throw my arms up in the air. “I don’t know! I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

“Well, try believing in your own heart.”

“But I don’t know if my heart is leading me in the right direction. What if I get hurt again? Or worse, what happens if caring for this guy ruins my life?”

“Okay, Miss Dramatic.”

“I’m serious, Ava if things get out about me and this guy, a lot of shit is going to happen, and it’s going to affect more than just him and me.”

My friend sighs and stops walking, and I can see there are a few other people standing around her. She must be waiting at a crosswalk.

I watch my friend as she seems to think over what to say next. I know how dramatic I sound, but I don’t know if it matters anymore.

Whatever choice I make, it’s going to change my life, no doubt about it.

“I think,” Ava says as she and the other people start walking again. “That no one else can tell you if you’re in love. No one knows what you feel besides you.”

“But—”

“Nope. Only you hold the key to the answer, doll. No one else you talk to can help in that aspect.”

“Well, what about if it’s safe and right?”

She sighs and shakes her head again. “Still you. Only you. Only ever you.”

“But what if that’s not enough, Ava? What if I hurt everyone?”

Ava looks into the camera, and I can feel her compassion and genuine care shining through. “Then you ask yourself if you’re actually in love, and then you ask yourself if it’s worth fighting for.”