Chapter 184

Kayla

“Luna Kayla, I really must reiterate once more that termination is the safest option,” the doctor said. “The pregnancy is putting too much strain on your body. Without a wolf to aid in the process, your body simply can’t handle the development of a werewolf pup.”

I stared down at my hands, which were clasped tightly in my lap. This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear. My stomach still throbbed from the cramps that had sent me collapsing to the ground earlier, despite Jade’s tonic and the additional medication the doctor had administered.

“The episodes will only get worse from here,” the doctor continued. “The fetus is developing at an accelerated rate, as wolf pups do. But your body doesn’t have the corresponding werewolf adaptations to accommodate that growth.”

Nicholas sat beside me on the edge of the bed, his hand on the small of my back. “What about finding her wolf?” he asked. “We’re still looking for options.”

The doctor sighed, removing his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. “Finding her wolf—if that’s even possible at this point—would need to happen within the next few weeks. Beyond that, the damage to her body might be irreversible, whether she carries to term or not.”

My throat bobbed as I swallowed back tears. This tiny life inside me, barely the size of a lime, had already wrapped itself around my heart. The thought of losing it made me physically ill.

“There are other options,” Nicholas said softly, his thumb tracing circles on my back. “We can try again once we find a way to awaken your wolf. Or surrogacy is always an option.”

Surrogacy. Another woman carrying Nicholas’s child—our child. While I stood by, useless and broken.

The doctor reached into his bag, pulling out a small amber bottle. “I’ve brought another dose of the medication I gave you before, just in case you got rid of it the first time.” I did. “If you decide to terminate, take two pills and call me immediately. I’ll come over to monitor the process.”

I stared at the bottle, hating everything it represented. My fingers trembled as I reached for it, taking it from his outstretched hand. I wanted to chuck the stupid fucking thing out the window.

“I need time to consider it,” I said hoarsely. “And I’m certainly not doing anything until after the Blood Moon Revelry.”

“Kayla—” the doctor started, but I cut him off with a shake of my head.

“The Revelry is tomorrow. One more day won’t make a difference, will it?”

He pressed his lips into a thin line but didn’t argue further. Instead, he reached back into his bag and pulled out another bottle. “This is a mild sedative. It should help with the pain and nausea in the meantime.”

He then picked up the small vial of Jade’s tonic from the bedside table, examining it. Jade had given it to him earlier to look at. “Your friend seems knowledgeable in traditional werewolf medicine. I’d recommend continuing with this alongside the medication I’ve prescribed. It might provide additional relief.”

After a few more instructions and a promise that I would call him immediately if the cramping worsened, the doctor packed up his equipment and left. The door closing behind him seemed to echo through the room, leaving Nicholas and me in a heavy silence.

Nicholas moved first, shifting to sit more fully on the bed. His arms encircled me, pulling me gently against his chest. I didn’t resist, sinking into his warmth, letting my head rest against his shoulder.

“No one will blame you,” he murmured against my hair. “Not me, not the pack, no one. If you need to do this, we’ll get through it together.”

I closed my eyes, drawing in a shaky breath that caught on the edges of a sob. “I blame me.”

“Kayla—”

“No.” I pulled back to look at him, tears blurring my vision. “They’re right about me. The wolfless Luna who can’t even provide the Alpha with a proper heir.”

Nicholas’s jaw tightened. “You know that’s bullshit.”

I shook my head. “But that’s what they think. That I’m broken. Worthless.” I glanced down at the bottle of pills still clutched in my hand. “And if I do this, I’ll be proving them right.”

My husband took my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Listen to me, Kayla. You won’t be proving anything if you do this. You’ll be surviving. That’s all that matters. Surviving.”

My lips pressed together. I didn’t know if it would really be “surviving”, if it meant giving up the one thing I’d always wanted above all else.

Eventually, I pulled away. “I need to rest if I’m going to be ready for the Revelry tomorrow.”

Nicholas seemed reluctant to leave me, but after making sure I had everything I needed, he finally kissed my forehead and left to attend to his Alpha duties. The Blood Moon Revelry required extensive preparation, and with both of us indisposed, the pack was picking up the slack.

Sleep came fitfully that night, haunted by dreams of babies I couldn’t hold and wolves I couldn’t be.

The next day dawned bright and clear, the sky a perfect blue that would later deepen to accommodate the blood-red moon. I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the amber bottle of pills in my hand.

Two small tablets. That’s all it would take to end the pregnancy. To save my life, according to the doctor. To break my heart, according to everything else in me.

Outside the window, pack members were already gathering, setting up the final decorations for the Revelry. Tonight, under the blood moon’s glow, many would find their fated mates. Some would even conceive children in the sacred ritual that followed, blessed by the Moon Goddess herself.

While I sat here, contemplating the end of my own child’s life.

With a shaky sigh, I set the bottle back on the nightstand. Not today. I couldn’t make this decision today. It would have to wait until after the Revelry.

A knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts. Jade entered, carrying a white garment bag draped carefully over her arm.

“Your ceremonial dress,” she said, a gentle smile on her face. “I added a few reinforcement spells to help with comfort. Nothing that would interfere with the ritual, just a little extra support.”

I managed a weak smile in return. “Thank you.”

“How are you feeling?” she asked, hanging the dress on the wardrobe door.

“Better after your tonic,” I said truthfully. The cramping had subsided to a dull ache, manageable with the combination of Jade’s remedy and the doctor’s medication.

Jade nodded. “Good. I’ve been researching more about the pregnancy in your condition. Looking for options other than…” Her eyes flicked to the bottle of abortion pills.

“And?”

She shrugged. “Nothing yet. But I’m going to find a way.”

I hoped she would.

As evening approached, the energy in the pack lands changed. A palpable excitement filled the air, a wild, primitive anticipation of the night to come. From my window, I could see pack members beginning to gather, many already dressed in the traditional ceremonial garb.

With Jade’s help, I slipped into my own ceremonial attire. The dress was pure white silk, so sheer it was almost translucent, flowing around my body like water. As tradition dictated, I wore nothing beneath it, the silk cool against my bare skin. The dress symbolized purity and openness to the Goddess’s blessings.

I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. The white fabric contrasted starkly with my red hair, which hung loose down my back. I hadn’t done a single thing to my hair—no heat, no product, no styling. Just my wild, untamed, frizzy curls cascading down to the small of my back. Around my head sat a crown of white roses, the mark of the Luna.

All around the territory, women would be wearing similar dresses, although without the crown. The men would be dressed in loose, flowing trousers, their chests bare and painted with glowing symbols of power and fertility. Nicholas, as Alpha, would also wear a crown of white roses.

As I stared at my reflection, I tried to imagine standing in front of the pack, leading them in the sacred rituals despite my own brokenness. The wolfless Luna, unable even to join in the communal howl that would welcome the Blood Moon’s rise.

Just then, the distant beat of drums echoed through the house. The Revelry was beginning.

Outside my window, the first howl rose into the air, followed by another, and another, until the night was filled with the song of the pack. I couldn’t howl, but I felt it—felt the vibration in my chest, the pull of the moon, the call of something wild and ancient that lived within me despite my lack of a wolf.

I took a deep breath and made my way outside.