Chapter 44

You will not promise him forever, imagined or otherwise.

His words, outraged on my behalf, brought me a selfish kind of pleasure. I had pushed for this reaction, and now that I had it, I couldn’t help but press further.

Maybe too far.

“Does that mean you’ll join me on the Ferris Wheel instead?”

His silence returned. When finally spoke again, the anger in his voice had totally dissipated.

“I can’t,” he said. “It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“But you said it didn’t mean anything. That it’s superstitious nonsense.”

“It means something to you.”

Oh. Yeah, I supposed it did. Regardless whether the tradition proved true, if the couples that kissed at the top of the Ferris Wheel stayed together forever or not, I wanted it to be real.

And that was reason enough for Asher not to indulge me.

“I’ll let you get back to your party,” I said, keeping my voice level to hide my hurt.

“I don’t mind.”

“It’s okay. I have to go anyway,” I lied, and hung up before he could argue.

I frowned at my phone. I’d wanted to ask him to the carnival as friends, at least, but after that rejection, I didn’t have the nerve.

I still wanted to go, though. I thought briefly of asking Nicole, but I ruled that out. She would want to ride the wilder rides, and I would have to lie to her about why I couldn’t.

Would she believe a fake stomach ache? Probably not, if I also binged the deep-fried carnival food like I planned.

I didn’t have any other friends. I supposed I could go alone, but the thought of being around so many happy friends and couples seemed like it would make me more sad than content.

No, I had better just forget the whole thing.

Disappointed, I sunk down onto my bed and wished I had taken the time to cultivate more friendships. I didn’t regret my hard work, it had gotten me here, but sometimes everything just felt so lonely.

As if I’d summoned it, a new text appeared on my phone. It was from Joseph.

I didn’t really want to think about Joseph tonight, but any distraction at this point felt like a welcomed one.

I clicked open the message.

Carnival this weekend as our date. You in?

I should have said no, probably. Asher had been pretty insistent that I not ride the Ferris Wheel with Joseph. But if Asher himself didn’t want to join me, who was he to dictate who I could ride with?

Sighing, I opened a reply. I really needed to get over this crush I had on Asher. And I only knew one way to do that.

I will go with you on one condition, I typed.

Joseph’s reply came quickly.

Name it.

I paused, debating if I was making the right decision. Yet the wounds on my heart festered, painful, and I made my choice.

I typed, I want to have so much fun that I forget about Asher.

I was going to go to that carnival and have a great time, with or without Asher. Even if I decided to avoid the Ferris Wheel, there were lots of other activities to do there, like games and magic shows.

And with Joseph, I wouldn’t have to worry about being pressured to ride the faster rides that might be a danger to my baby, since he knew I was pregnant.

Still, I felt a nudge of guilt, like I was betraying Asher.

Sighing, I turned off my phone screen, not wanting to see Joseph’s reply, even when the phone buzzed in my hand.

Later, as I readied for bed, I had the courage to check one last time.

Joseph had written, Asher who? And a winking smiley face.

For the rest of the week, I drowned myself in my studies and in training the new routines for the cheerleading squad. We had a competition coming up soon and needed fresh material to stand a chance at earning a medal.

The new moves weren’t easy for me, even with Lilith’s help.

During break, Coach called me aside to speak with me privately.

“I think you should come up with an excuse to miss the competition,” he said.

I blanched, embarrassed. I was struggling, but I didn’t think I was doing that bad. “I can do it, Coach. Give me a chance.”

“There’s no location I can put you in that won’t be scrutinized by the judges,” he said. “You are going to have to learn the full routine.”

“I won’t let the team down, I promise.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about, Cynthia. I know you’ll work hard and do right by the team.” He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “I don’t want you to get hurt.” He glanced down at my stomach. “Either of you.”

I appreciated his concern, but when I had decided to stay in school, I was committing all the way. I wasn’t going to back off now that things were getting a little hard.

I could carry my weight. I wouldn’t bring down the team. I could do it all.

He must have seen the drive on my face, because he said, “It’s only one competition, Cynthia.”

But I disagreed. Missing one competition could be the slippery slope that led to me missing all of them. I couldn’t let that happen.

“No, Coach,” I said. “This is my life.”

The locker room after practice was full of the usual conversation. Girls gossiping about the people they knew and the rumors they’d heard. Some excitedly shared their plans about going to the carnival.

I was moving slower than usual, body aching from pushing so hard. Even Lilith’s typical steady presence in my mind was weakened with exhaustion.

I blamed my tiredness for not realizing the girls were talking about Asher until I heard, “Asher’s been back in the party scene.”

“He is! I saw him myself a couple of nights ago at an after-party. God, he’s so sexy, all dark and brooding.”

“Tell me about it! Do you think he’s like that all the time? What if he’s eating his favorite food? Or doing something fun?”

“Ask the real questions, girl! Does he frown while he’s fucking?”

Blood rushed to my face as anger churned in my stomach. Yet before I could tell them to stop talking about Asher like that, Elena laughed.

“Why don’t you ask Cynthia? She’s the one who dated him.”

The gossiping girls turned their attention to me, eager with anticipation.

I grit my teeth. “I told you that we’re just friends.”

“Oh, that’s right. How silly of me.” Elena laughed again, sharper. “But then, as his friend, you should know all about this other rumor I heard.”

She was doing this on purpose to agitate me. I knew that, but it still worked.

“What’s that?” one of the other girls asked.

Elena watched me, cruelty sparking in her eyes, as she said, “One of the girls from the tennis team asked Asher on a date.”

A pit formed in the bottom of my stomach. It slowly stretched outwards, eventually encompassing my entire being.

He said no, right? He always said no.

But Elena wouldn’t be looking at me like a cat with a cornered mouse if he said no.

“He said yes.”