Chapter 42

I wasn’t ready to answer Joseph yet. “Give some time?”

“More time?” he said unhappily. “It’s only one date, not a marriage.”

“I know, but…” I couldn’t tell him the root of my hesitation because I didn’t quite understand it myself.

He’d only asked me for one date and promised we’d have a great time. It was zero commitment, just to see if we were as compatible as he thought.

There really was no reason to decline. Especially since Asher might start dating again soon too.

What was the worst that could happen?

Yet I still couldn’t force the words past my teeth.

“Fine,” he said. “It’s not like I have anything planned yet anyway. But don’t think I’m going to let you off the hook forever, Cynthia.”

After brief goodbyes with Joseph, I shuffled my feet toward Asher’s room.

I definitely had to talk to him now, since I’d broken my promise to stay away from Joseph. It wouldn’t be right to talk to one and not the other.

At Asher’s door, I knocked.

“A minute,” he called, muffled. A few heavy footsteps, the door pulled open, and there he was.

Asher.

We’d only spent a couple of days apart, but it’d felt like so much longer. Seeing him again loosened a tightness in my chest I hadn’t realized was there until it was gone.

He had dark rings under his eyes like he hadn’t slept since before the last time I saw him. His shoulders were rod-iron straight with tension.

When his eyes fell onto me, some of the weariness there faded away.

“Cynthia.”

I had missed the way he said my name.

For a long moment, we stood just like that, me in the hall, him in the doorway, staring at each other. Then, he seemed to snap awake and ushered me inside his room.

“I’m sorry,” I said at once, the apology coming so much easier with Asher than it had with Joseph. “It was a terrible idea to stay apart, and I never should have suggested it.”

“There was a lot going on,” Asher said, defending me like usual, even against myself.

“I should have handled it better.”

“It’s fine.”

He was so good. I didn’t deserve him.

With a jolt, I remembered that I didn’t have him.

“I’m glad we’re friends again.” I forced myself to say the words. Friends. Friends, friends, friends. I’d repeat it as many times as I needed to, to stick the label firmly in my brain.

Friends, and nothing more.

“Sure.” The barest hint of a smile curled the corners of Asher’s mouth.

“Friends, who support each other,” I said.

I steeled myself. Better to get the worst over with right away, then we could go back to being normal with each other again. I hoped.

“Like when they want to date other people,” I said.

Asher’s tiny smile vanished behind an emotionless mask. His blue eyes frosted over.

“Because… Joseph might have asked me on a date? Just one. And… I’m thinking about saying yes?”

Asher crossed his arms over his chest. His sub-zero gaze, sharp as an icicle, froze me in place.

“You talked to Joseph,” he said, not a question.

Oops. I maybe shouldn’t have mentioned that, since I had broken my promise. “Only just now. I was on my way here, and I ran into him.”

Asher paused, an eerie silence. “And… he asked you on a date.”

“One date! It’s not a big deal, is it?” I sucked in a breath. It was time for the final blow. “You… could date someone too.”

Pinpricks of pain prickled the inside of my heart as I lied, “I wouldn’t mind.”

“You wouldn’t.” Still not a question, but he sounded less sure.

“No,” I said. The word was a blade aimed inward. “I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. You deserve… everything.”

I ran out of steam and looked down at my hands. That end part hadn’t been a lie. He did deserve everything. I just wished the everything he wanted included me.

“I don’t need to date,” he said.

Surprised, I looked up at him. “You deserve love, Asher.”

“And you think I’ll find it dating random girls?”

I frowned. Wasn’t that how it worked? A person who was attracted to another person would spend time with them to discover if they were compatible.

“And you’re okay with that.” A small line formed, for just a blink or two, in the space between his brows. When it disappeared, he added, “I don’t have time to date right now. I’m too busy.”

Too busy with me. Guilt fizzled through me. “You can… If you need to…” Why was this so hard to say? I inhaled a deep, steadying breath. “I’d understand if you need more time to yourself.”

“You think I don’t date because of you?” he asked, voice cold. He turned from me. “It has nothing to do with you.”

I hurt all over, from his words and my own.

After leaving Asher’s, I didn’t wanted to be alone, so I called Nicole to hang out. Now we were at the student union, a few open books between us. We both had big exams coming up.

“I’m telling you, Cynthia. You have to go to this carnival they are going to have at the fairgrounds,” Nicole said. “It only comes to town once a year.”

“I don’t know. Aren’t those for kids?”

“No way!” Nicole scoffed, hand over her heart. “Well, not just for kids. Are you saying you’ve never been?”

I shrugged. I’d been to other carnivals before, but apparently this one was special.

Nicole leaned closer, elbows on the tabletop, textbooks forgotten. “So you don’t know about the Lover’s Ferris Wheel?”

“Now you lost me.”

“Legend has it that any couple who kiss at the top of the Lover’s Ferris Wheel are destined to be together forever.”

That seemed unlikely. Though… if I could convince Asher to ride it with me…

I pushed away the thought. I probably shouldn’t ride anything pregnant.

“You and the baby will be safe on the Ferris Wheel,” Lilith said in my mind. She sounded proud like she would help protect us.

Didn’t she realize she was ruining my excuse?

Without it, I’d have to confront the reality that even if I could talk Asher into riding the Ferris Wheel with me, he’d never kiss me.

Nicole gave me a mischievous smile.

Uh, oh.

“Would you kiss Asher, Cynthia?” she asked.

“I doubt he’d want to,” I admitted, miserable.

“I don’t know. Carnivals feel magical, with all the lights and the music, and the people having fun. And when you get up on the Ferris Wheel, you are above all the crowds. It’s just you and the stars.”

It did sound romantic. But, “Asher and I are just friends.”

The words burned in my mouth.

“Oh,” she said, disappointed.

I asked her, “Have you gone on the Ferris Wheel with someone, Nicole?”

“Nah. I haven’t met my forever yet.”

Her forever?

I wondered who my forever was.

I tried to imagine myself riding the Lover’s Ferris Wheel as Nicole had described, with the stars above and the carnival lights below.

I pictured Joseph sitting beside me. He was the father of my child, after all. And he wanted to date me.

Not like Asher.

It has nothing to do with you.

Asher might be physically attracted to me sometimes, but he didn’t want me romantically.

Still, when I thought of kissing someone on the top of that Lover’s Ferris Wheel, promising forever…

Asher was the only person I wanted.