Chapter 193

Alarmed by my recent decline in grades, I dedicated myself even more to my studies. Burying myself in the books was helping in multiple ways. Not only was I keeping to my learning track, I was able to distract myself from my plethora of fears.

They still existed inside of me, but when studying, I felt like I was combatting them. Yes, my grades were slipping, but here I was, doing something about it.

Yet even with as hard I was working, occasionally a lone, wayward worry would slip into my thoughts, making me lose my place in the texts.

When that happened, I grew frustrated. That frustration left me vulnerable to more intrusive thoughts and worries, until I was practically reliving Lamar’s attack, or rereading the forum on that vile website, or remembering how desperately Joseph wanted me out of the way.

The lack of sleep probably didn’t help. I had continued staying with Asher, which was the only reason I slept at all. But even his calming presence couldn’t chase away the nightmares that chased me in the night.

I rubbed my tired eyes as my phone vibrated on the table.

I checked. It was a text from Asher.

Are you at the library?

Yes, I sent back.

I waited a moment, but he had no follow up. So I got back to work.

Five minutes later, I nearly jumped in surprise as Asher joined me at the table, taking the seat across from me.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said.

“I just wasn’t expecting you.”

“I texted you…” He motioned to my phone on the table.

He’d asked where I was. He hadn’t said anything about coming to see me.

Yet I kept that comment to myself. I wasn’t upset to see him, and I didn’t want him to think that. I was just surprised.

“Did you need something?” I asked him.

His jaw locked a moment, and he glanced away. “I guess I deserved that.”

Then he looked back at me. “I’m here to help you study.”

My eyes went wide again. Two surprises in a row! Any more and he might give me a heart attack!

“I’ve been really impressed by how hard you’ve been trying, even while everything else has been going on,” he said.

I didn’t trust my voice. I just stared at him.

“I hurt you, and I want to make that up to you. But that’s not the only reason I want to help.”

I swallowed. “What’s the reason then?”

His eyes were soft. The corner of his lips quirked upwards, into a tiny smile that kept my heart racing, but for an entirely different reason.

“I just want to,” he said.

I wanted to allow him to help me. Heck, I wanted to give him anything and everything he asked for.

But. He had hurt me. And though he had apologized, I couldn’t just forget everything that had been severed between us.

“Thank you,” I said, “But I don’t think it would help either of us if you only thought you were wasting your time.”

“I don’t think that.”

I gently shook my head. I didn’t want to relive these memories, but I would make myself, to remind me why we weren’t together.

“You never believed in me.”

“I was wrong.” He said it so quickly, so simply and easily, like this hadn’t been the very thing that split us apart.

But maybe it was that simple now, or it could be. He’d apologized, he said he was wrong, and now he wanted to help make it right.

All I had to do was let him.

But to do so would make me vulnerable again. If I allowed him to hold my heart once more, would he break it this time? Or would he be more careful now that he knew what breaking it could cost?

“I’ve seen your fierce determination, and your stubbornness,” he said. “If you keep studying like this, I think you might have a shot at passing the transfer exam.”

“You don’t mean that. You are just being nice.”

“No, Cynthia. I do know.” He leaned back in his chair. “See, I’ve taken the test myself.”

A third surprise. “You… have?”

He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “I was accepted into the Academy based on my academics.”

“But… the hockey?”

“Athletics are just a hobby.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.

I had gathered that Asher must have been naturally smart, because in all our time together, I’d never seen him do any schoolwork. But to know that he had passed the exam…

He was absolutely amazing. I was in total awe.

“Is there anything you aren’t good at?” I asked.

“No,” he said, deadpan, and I burst out into a laugh that made the librarian shush me.

Once, not all that long ago, I had found his blatant arrogance frustrating, but now I could only see it as playful and endearing.

And attractive.

If the arrogance was well-earned, was it still a vice?

“So,” he said, quieter than before, so as not to draw the librarian’s ire. “Will you let me help?”

“Yeah.” The good feelings lasted, and I wrapped them around myself like a warm blanket. “Let’s do this.”

Asher tugged one of the textbooks toward him and we got to work.

Asher stayed with me as long as he could, until he had to go attend one of his own classes.

“Should I come pick you up later? Walk you back?” he asked.

I was feeling stronger after having spent this time with him, so I said, “No. I think I’ll be okay. I’ll meet you back at your place tonight.”

He nodded, accepting my words, but before he left, he came to my side.

“Call me if you need me. I don’t care where I am. I don’t care how trivial the reason. I will be there in a heartbeat.”

His words simmered within me, like a pleasant warming glow. His concern for me always made me feel so cared-for, I wondered how I had survived any of these past few weeks without him.

“I will,” I said.

With that confirmation, Asher gave me one last long look, before turning away and leaving me alone.

On my own, I stayed at the library until dark, when a big yawn stopped me in the middle of reading a sentence. Then I gathered by books into my backpack, swung the backpack over my shoulder, and started to head back to Asher’s dorm.

Yet when I turned a corner on the sidewalk, I saw Joseph leaning against a lamppost.

My breath caught in my throat. My stomach lurched.

Immediately I swiveled on my heel and headed back the way I came.

Maybe I could go another way, up a different street to avoid him.

So I returned to the library, and then past it go up the next street instead.

At the corner, I glanced behind myself.

Joseph was on the sidewalk, trailing me.

That didn’t mean anything, I told myself. Maybe he was just going the same way as me.

I turned down the next street as I had planned. I walked a full block before looking behind me.

Joseph was still there. Only now, he was much closer.

For him to have gone down this street…

Was he actually following me?