Chapter 178

Lamar was leaning in for a kiss. There had been no ask for permission. There had been no indication that he’d wanted this at all!

I’d been about to say goodnight, and he was leaning in. He was almost on me, when I recovered from my shock enough to turn my head. His lips pressed against my cheek instead.

He stayed there a few seconds, then laughed against my skin. “Guess this means you don’t want your present then.”

His breath smelled like alcohol. Was he drunk?

I backed up a step, putting space between us. “What’s the present?”

He lifted a brow, then dropped his gaze down. I followed his line of sight down to where his erection bulged in his khakis.

When had he…?

Was this why he wanted to walk me home?

My present was his penis?

“Lamar, I want to go slow, remember?”

“Slow, yeah. I can go slow.” He leaned in again.

I placed my hands on his chest and physically pushed him back. “Stop.”

He stilled. “Wait… you mean slow as in –”

“Not ready for this,” I said. How could he think I would be okay with this?

I began to worry again about his head wound, coupled now with the alcohol. Was that why he was acting so out of character?

At least he wasn’t pushing anymore right now. At least, not physically.

“How slow is slow?” he asked. Almost as an afterthought, he added, “Not that I mind waiting…”

“I’m not sure,” I said.

Lamar exhaled long and sluggish. “Cynthia, I just don’t get you. It should be easier for you to move on now, after everything Asher has done.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to tell him that my feelings for Asher hadn’t changed. I didn’t want to cause another argument.

Lamar pouted his bottom lip. “I could help you forget him.”

“No,” I said.

He crossed his arms and finally stepped back from me. “Fine. You’ll regret it, though. When you are alone tonight.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

He hummed. “I don’t mind waiting, Cynthia. Really. I just wished you liked me more than you do.”

“I do like you,” I said. “That isn’t what this is about.”

He ran a hand through his hair. He looked a little sad, and guilt panged in my heart for having hurt him.

I wasn’t ready for sex, but I supposed I could have kissed him. One little kiss wouldn’t have been a big deal.

Except last time, he’d taken a picture of it.

My resolve steeled. No, I made the right choice. I wasn’t even ready for kissing.

“Will you come to my soccer game tomorrow night?” he asked.

“I was going to study…”

“Please, Cynthia. Didn’t you say you were going to try with us? How can you try if you don’t show up?”

He had a point, and I felt bad for hurting him, even if my reasons were justified.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll go.”

“Can I hug you?” he asked.

I wasn’t sure. A quick glance revealed that he was still hard in his pants.

He lowered a hand, trying to cover himself. “Just a hug, I swear.”

With his assurances, I lamented. “Okay.”

He moved in at once, and pulled me into a hug. He was careful to keep his hips back, only pressing his shoulders against me.

I felt tense in his embrace, like I couldn’t relax. It should have been fine. He was warm and strong, though not as warm and strong as Asher.

Maybe that was my problem. He wasn’t Asher.

I immediately hated myself a little. I kept letting my feelings for Asher get in the way of this budding relationship with Lamar.

I tried to push Asher out of my mind and focused on Lamar’s positives.

He had a nice smile. And a good humor. Even now, he was laughing, rocking me side to side.

“I had a good time tonight,” he said as he stepped back.

“Me, too,” I said.

With one last bright smile, he said goodnight and hobbled down the hall.

Quickly, I rushed and hid in my dorm room.

I wasn’t as tired anymore, and knew I wouldn’t sleep even if I tried. I had to talk to someone about what just happened. I couldn’t keep it inside, I thought I might burst.

But who could I tell? Not Asher. Maybe Nicole, but I’d given her enough of a fright recently. Plus, as a virgin, she wasn’t the best person to talk to for sex advice.

I called Aimee, hoping she had put her phone on silent if she had decided to go to sleep. I didn’t want to wake her for this.

“Hello? Cynthia?” She didn’t sound tired, thank goodness. She likely hadn’t gone to bed yet.

“Aimee, I have to tell you what just happened.”

“One second.” In the background, I heard her lower the volume of her television. “Tell me everything.”

I did, starting with the disagreement Lamar and I had about Asher in the beginning of the night, and ending with the near kiss and everything that happened after.

“He did not imply his penis was a gift,” Aimee said in disbelief.

“He did.”

“What the actual hell? He knows you want to go slow, and that you are focusing on studying.”

“I think he was drunk,” I said.

Aimee sighed. “That’s not an excuse to rush you. Between this and the photo-kiss last time, I’m beginning to be seriously concerned that he’s not respecting your boundaries.”

I felt bad for giving Aimee that impression, and quickly came to Lamar’s defense. “He backed off when I told him no. And when he hugged me after, he positioned himself so he was… not touching me with… that.”

“Still…” She didn’t sound convinced.

“I don’t know, Aimee.” I took a breath, preparing myself for the argument to come. Aimee wasn’t going to like what I was about to say, but I needed to talk out my feelings. “Maybe he’s right.”

“Cynthia!” She definitely didn’t like it.

I pressed onward. “If I keep holding myself back because of my feelings for Asher, then maybe I’ll never be able to move forward.”

“Listen,” Aimee said, calmer than before. “I wouldn’t never shame you. If you wanted to have sex with Lamar, I’d tell you to go for it. But to have sex before you are ready just because you are hoping it will help you get over someone else? That’s not healthy.”

“I want Asher. But Asher will never want me back. I have to let this go.”

“Then take time, and let it go. You can’t rush any of this.”

I didn’t know how to tell Aimee how lonely I was. She’d understand, surely. She hadn’t been with anyone since Brent. But it felt too personal to share, even with such a close friend.

Holding Asher had only made things worse for me. It had reminded me of what I had lost, and what I would never get back. Even if, by some miracle, we were able to repair our friendship, we would never be the same as we were before.

Asher had hurt me. He didn’t respect me. He’d protect me, but he wouldn’t…

He wouldn’t want to make love to me. Not like how I wanted him to.

But Lamar wanted me. Shouldn’t that count for something?

Even if I didn’t want him back.

I could just… I could…

No, Aimee was right. I would regret it.

I didn’t love Lamar. I didn’t want Lamar to touch me like that. At least, not yet.

I only wanted Asher.

I might only ever want Asher.

“Sex shouldn’t be rushed,” Aimee said. “Don’t ever let him push you.”

I frowned in confusion. Asher wouldn’t push me.

Then I frowned harder, realizing she meant Lamar.

“He said he didn’t mind waiting,” I said. I hoped he meant it.