Chapter 165

That evening, I sat in the library with my textbooks sprawled in front me. Aimee and Nicole were on the other side of my table.

Aimee pointed out a key section of the text for me. Nicole highlighted it.

I’d failed another practice test, but I’d done at least slightly better than my last attempt. Now, we were combing through the texts for the answers I had missed and those I had gotten right.

“It doesn’t hurt to reinforce everything,” Aimee said.

I wrote the correct answer to a missed question in my notebook and underlined it three times. I had to remember. To forget anything was to risk failing.

I wasn’t taking those kinds of risks.

The library stayed open twenty-four hours, but the vibe of the place shifted after nine at night. By then, the main librarians had all clocked out. The cleaning crew came in, and though they tried to be quiet, they didn’t care if the students were.

Since Aimee, Nicole, and I were the only students there, no one said a word when we began to speak at normal tones. During our on-the-hour break, we could talk freely without worrying about disturbing anyone else.

So when I mentioned about Lamar photographing our first kiss and then asked them if that was strange, I should not have been so surprised that they became very animated.

“That is a violation of consent!” Aimee said loudly, just as Nicole asked, “Did he send you the picture?”

They both glanced at each other.

“He asked if he could kiss me,” I said to Aimee. To Nicole, I said, “No, and I don’t want him to.”

Nicole seemed surprised, blinking owlishly. “Why not?”

“He made it sound like it was romantic,” he said, “But… It felt weird to me.”

“That’s reason enough for him to not have done it,” Aimee said.

I shook my head. “He didn’t know it would make me feel uncomfortable. I haven’t told him anything about what happened with Coach…”

I shivered, thinking of that basement where I had kneeled on those satin sheets as Coach took pictures of me.

Where he’d ordered me to take my top off. And I’d obeyed.

“It could be romantic,” Nicole said, frown growing, “But only if you are both into it.”

“He should have checked with you first. You could have made it a cute photo if you’d known.”

“The spontaneity is part of the romance, I think,” Nicole argued. She sighed. “Maybe you should tell him what happened with Coach, Cynthia. Then he’d understand why he did wrong.”

I really didn’t want to relive that trauma, but maybe she was right.

If Lamar and I were going to be in a relationship, then he should know about my past. That way, at least, we could try to avoid situations like this in the future.

Yet somewhere in the recesses of my mind, a lingering thought began to echo louder and louder.

Asher would never have done this.

The thought wasn’t fair to Lamar. Asher knew about my pain. He’d known me longer, generally, and therefore had much more experience with the range of my preferences.

I had to give Lamar time to learn about me.

I should have told him the picture made me uncomfortable. Maybe I would, the next time we talked.

Asher wouldn’t have taken a picture, sure, but he also never would have kissed me to begin with.

Even when we’d been intimate, he’d avoided my lips.

My heart ached and I sighed.

“Consent aside, maybe you just aren’t ready to date,” Aimee said. “I know you want to rush things, and I know why, but… I don’t think it’s working, Cynthia.”

“I kind of agree,” Nicole chimed in. “I like Lamar, but if you aren’t into it, you shouldn’t push it.”

“I want to be into it,” I said.

She gave me a sad smile. “That’s not the same thing.”

“How about you go back to the original plan?” Aimee said. “Slow things down with Lamar. You can still date him, but put it on the backburner for now. You are giving your all to studying, I know, but we can try to do more.”

That seemed reasonable. After the exam was done, I could figure out what I was supposed to do boy-wise.

If I utilized the breathing techniques Nurse Irene taught me, and only spent my time outside of my room either in class or in the library, then I shouldn’t make any accidental projections.

My emotions rarely spiked when I studied, and never because of thoughts of Asher.

“Okay,” I said, committing to the plan.

Aimee smiled at me, and we went back to studying.

We continued studying until almost midnight. Aimee and Nicole, with less books and supplies to pack, left before me. Once I’d finished cleaning up, I stretched my stiff muscles and pulled on my book bag.

Outside, the night air was crisp and cool. It had been much warmer when I arrived to the library, so I hadn’t thought to bring a thicker jacket. I shivered now, in my thin cardigan.

I hunched over and wrapped my arms around myself for warmth. With my head tucked low, my vision was limited.

So I didn’t notice the person ahead of me until I walked straight into the back of him.

“Are you alright?” the person said, turning to face me.

My body froze as my heart leapt.

I knew that voice. Those wide shoulders. That perfect face.

“Asher,” I gasped.

He wore his workout clothes under a gray zip-up jacket. His hair was damp. Had he come from the gym? It was after midnight!

“Cynthia,” he said. He glanced over me once before refocusing on my face. Concern creased his brow. “Something wrong?”

“I was just studying,” I said quickly.

“That’s not what I mean.” He narrowed his gaze. “You seem… nervous.”

I was, but only because I had run into the one man I shouldn’t want to see so badly that my entire body tried to compensate for it.

Asher made everything complicated.

“I’m fine, Asher. Really. I’m headed home now.”

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll walk you.”

“No!” I said at once, too loudly, startling us both. “I mean, that’s not necessary.”

Whether I was going to focus on studying or making my relationship work with Lamar, I couldn’t with Asher hanging around. If we walked together in the dark, things might be said. Things I wasn’t ready to deal with.

His eyes turned cold. “Lamar wouldn’t like it? Then he should be here himself to make sure you are okay.”

I shook my head, even as his harsh words sent a thrill through me. Asher was still protective of me.

“Here. At least take this.” He removed his sweatshirt and dropped it on my head. “Before you freeze to death.”

I should have given the sweatshirt right back, but it was warm and smelled like Asher. I wrapped it around my shoulders instead.

“Go on, then.” Asher waved me ahead of him.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, and rushed past him.

I was warm now, but still walked fast. I didn’t dare turn behind me, afraid to see Asher shadowing me home, keeping me safe. I was equally afraid that I would look and he wouldn’t be there at all.

It was better not to know, maybe.

Yet at the door to my dorm, my curiosity won out and I glanced back – just in time to see Asher walking away.