Chapter 164

By the next morning, I had somewhat lowered my panic. I was still nervous, but I called the hospital and moved up my appointment with Nurse Irene to this afternoon.

The only other thing I could do in the meantime was not think of Asher. At all.

With all Asher-thoughts banned until further notice, I swung by a store to buy cookies and then walked to Lamar’s dorm.

Since he lived in the same building as Asher, I carefully checked around every corner and hallway. Only when there was no sign of Asher, did I carefully proceed.

When I reached Lamar’s door, I exhaled a breath of relief. I removed the price sticker from my store-bought cookies, straightened, and knocked.

“Wha-what time is it?” came Lamar’s muffled voice through the door. “Oh. Ah. Hold on! Coming!” There was a slam like he kicked something and then a few soft curses.

When he finally pulled the door open, I felt guilty and nervous. I’d meant to bring him homemade cookies, but after last night, that wasn’t going to happen. So not only were my cookies lacking, but I’d made him hurt himself by answering the door.

Yet, as Lamar’s gaze focused on me, his usual smile slid easily in place. “Hey, there, Cynthia. What brings you by so early?”

I’d purposefully came late since he was a night owl, not a morning bird. It was already half-past ten. Perhaps I should have waited until after noon. I wondered what time the party had actually ended.

He seemed tired, slouching heavily against the doorframe. He might have been hungover too, with the way he was rubbing his forehead like it ached.

Through it all, though, he kept his smile.

I lifted the container of cookies. “I brought you a gift.”

“What? Awesome!” He accepted the container and immediately popped it open. He tried one and hummed happily as he chewed. “These are delicious. Thank you.” After he swallowed, he asked, “What’s the occasion?”

“I feel badly for leaving early last night.” I wanted to simply apologize, but he always teased me for that. So I bit down on the words. “I wanted to make sure we were still okay.”

Lamar laughed. “We’re better than okay if you keep bringing me baked goods.”

With a slight tilt of his head, he invited me into the room, and I followed him inside.

His room was messy, with dirty clothes on the floor, but the layout was otherwise the same as Asher’s. My heart hurt being in a place so similar to the one I had come to know so well.

I stopped that line of thinking at once. Asher thoughts were banned!

“I want to try harder with us,” I said. “I feel like I haven’t been very supportive of you.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, but if it leads me to seeing more of you, I’m very happy.”

He placed down the container of cookies down on the small counter in the kitchenette. Then he walked back to stand near me in the center of the room.

“You don’t have to be so nice to me,” I said.

He shrugged. “You deserve nice things. I’d give you even more if I could, but I hold myself back for your sake.”

I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I didn’t like the idea of him having to restrain himself. If we were going to grow in either friendship or love, we should be honest with each other.

“You don’t have to do that either.”

He lifted a brow. “You sure?”

I nodded.

He inched closer, moving into my personal space. My instincts insisted I step away, to return the space between us, but I forced myself still.

This was fine. Lamar was someone I was dating. Dating people got this close to each other.

He tilted his head as curiosity crossed his face. Maybe he had expected me to back up. He smile widened though, telling me he was pleased I hadn’t.

“May I kiss you, Cynthia?” he asked.

Kiss me? Like, on the mouth? A thing that Asher had never done?

No, I wasn’t thinking about Asher.

Lamar wanted to kiss me, and dating people kissed. It was normal. It was fine.

“Okay,” I said. Steeling my heart, I lifted my chin and closed my eyes.

Lamar leaned in. I felt his warmth a half-second before his lips pressed to mine.

His touch was gentle enough, and he didn’t push for more. I should have felt butterflies, but my gut twisted instead.

Asher would have cupped my cheek or cradled the back of my head. He would have pressed his body against mine. He would have maintained the distance longer, teasing me, stretching out the moment.

Lamar’s kiss lacked passion – on both our parts.

Maybe he was being respectful, giving me only a simple kiss. But he wasn’t otherwise touching me at all. It was almost like he was distracted or –

A camera clicked.

I opened my eyes to see Lamar lowering his phone. Had he taken a photo of us kissing?

I stared at him, incredulous, unsure if that had truly just happened. It seemed so outrageous, I couldn’t trust my own senses.

He smiled at my expression, but it didn’t meet his eyes. He seemed nervous. “I want to remember this moment. Our first kiss. Who knows? Maybe someday down the line, we can show our grandkids.”

That was a reasonable explanation, I supposed, though I still felt unsure about it.

Lamar had been so considerate about everything else. He’d even asked to kiss me! Why wouldn’t he ask first if I was comfortable with a picture?

“You want me to delete it?” he asked. “If you do, I will, but I’d prefer to keep it. We have to treasure moments like this, when they come along.”

I wanted him to delete it, but with the way he worded it, I felt guilty about asking him to.

He wanted to remember this moment. What kind of jerk would I be if I asked him not to?

So I said it was fine and asked for a cookie. He was so relieved, he rushed over the counter and returned with the entire container.

Later, I sat in the examination room at the hospital as Nurse Irene gave me a once over.

“Your vitals are fine,” she said. “And I don’t see any kind of anomalies. You aren’t having any other physical effects?”

“No,” I said. “I got… emotional, thinking about Asher, and then he was there. I didn’t intend to create the projection. I didn’t even think about it.”

Nurse Irene’s brow furrowed. She wrote something down on her notepad. Then she scratched the top of her head with the back of her pen.

“I’ve never heard about accidental projections before. It’s always been deliberate.” She hummed, lost in her thoughts for a moment before she spoke again.

“There could be several factors at play here. With you being so young and pregnant, your emotions are very… visceral. You wanted to see Asher so badly that your body simply made it happen.”

I didn’t like that answer. I wanted to see Asher all the time. Did that mean I was always in danger of creating a projection?

“And then there’s the mating bond…” Nurse Irene continued. “How is your pain level there?”

“The same, more or less,” I said. “I… uh… tried to date someone else, to see if that would help.”

Nurse Irene looked up from her notepad. “Obviously it didn’t help.”

“It does sometimes.” I looped my fingers together on my lap.

“You still want Asher.”

I lowered my head. “Yes.”

I wished I wanted Lamar more than I did. But even though I liked him, I couldn’t feel safe with him, not like I’d been with Asher. With Asher, I could relax totally. With Lamar, even though he was kind, I still felt on-guard.

The photo of our kiss had only made that feeling worse.

“Cynthia, what you and Asher had was special. The bond between you is not going to disappear overnight, even if you find other boys to date. These things take years. Decades, in some cases.”

Decades? I couldn’t believe that. But even if I did…

“What about the accidental projection?” I asked.

“I’ll teach you some breathing techniques to help manage your stress level,” Nurse Irene said. “You are going to have to learn how to keep your emotions in check, regardless of the situation.”

That was easier said than done. I’d been a nervous wreck lately.

“I don’t have to remind you what will happen to you if you project in front of knowing strangers, Cynthia.”

She didn’t. I knew the threat well enough.

If I couldn’t control my emotions, those official researchers would lock me up in the research facility and throw away the key.