Chapter 161

Lamar wasn’t just talking to Joseph, they were both laughing and carrying on, like friends. Joseph placed his hand on Lamar’s shoulder as he emitted a full-bodied laugh. Lamar smirked at him, as if pleased with himself for eliciting such a reaction.

The sight made me nervous. I wasn’t sure what to do. I couldn’t go over with Joseph there. I’d rather not have to deal with Joseph’s cruel deprecation tonight.

I thought about turning back around and hiding in the bathroom. But how long could I stay there? Until the party was over? Surely someone would notice my absence?

Lamar would eventually come looking for me.

I wasn’t that much of a coward, but I also wasn’t brave enough to saunter over to them.

So I waited near the bathroom door for them to finish talking and for Joseph to walk away. Then I made my way to Lamar.

“There you are!” he said when he saw me. He held out his hand for me to take, but I didn’t. Not this time.

“Was that Joseph I just saw you talking to?” I asked.

He looked a little sheepish. “You saw that, huh?”

“Are you two… friends?”

Lamar heaved a long sigh. “We used to be. Sometimes I still pretend, for the sake of the team.”

I didn’t know how to feel about that. I hooked my fingers nervously together. Lamar placed his hand over mine.

“Listen. I know this looks bad, but I swear it’s just pretend.” He tugged at my hands. “Let’s find somewhere quieter to talk.”

I let him lead me toward a distant corner and a set of chairs that hadn’t been claimed. He sat in one and I took the one beside. Leaning his head towards mine, close enough that only I could hear his words, he began to speak.

“I know Joseph’s the father.”

I immediately straightened, startled.

Lamar offered no explanation, only continued on. “When I found out how he’s been treating you, I couldn’t help but resent him. It ruined out friendship entirely.

“He’s constantly talking badly about you, and refuses to accept responsibility. A real man would step up.”

Unbidden, I thought of Asher, and his willingness to accept a baby that wasn’t even his. He’d been willing to say he was a cheater. He had said he liked that people might think he was the father.

“I’m not friends with Joseph anymore, Cynthia, despite what it may look like on the surface. I’m only trying to preserve the integrity of the team. But to hell with it if he comes after you. I’ve got your back no matter what.”

Lamar was good at saying the right things, and he always said them with a wide, disarming smile. I had no reason to disbelieve him. He was perfect.

But… of all things, Lilith’s words returned to me in that moment.

He’s too perfect.

“Should we leave?” Lamar asked. “We can go if you want.”

“No, this is your celebration,” I said. “You made that game-winning pass and all.”

“Oh, you heard about that?”

I had, many times, from standing beside him all night. I hadn’t seen the play in question, but he’d seemed very proud of it. I tried to be too, for his sake.

I gave him a small smile. “Let’s stay. I’m okay.”

He nodded, pleased. “Should we get back to it, then?”

“You go ahead. I’m going to sit just a bit longer.”

“Okay.”

He stood and started to walk away from me. Halfway to the crowd, he turned back to wave at me. I waved, too. Then he returned to his party.

I stayed on the chair longer than I likely needed to. I watched Lamar as he circled the room, talking to one person then the next. He spoke animatedly, waving his hands. His smile brightened those around him.

I wanted to be supportive. I knew I should join him. But when I thought of actually getting up from this chair and crossing the room, I felt so… exhausted.

To be the kind of girl Lamar deserved, I needed to match his brightness. I needed to mold myself into the kind of person who would prop him up and help him deliver the stories he so desperately want to tell.

I missed Asher, and his steady quiet. His unrivaled confidence. He’d never felt the need to sing his own praises.

Lamar wasn’t wrong for what he was doing. He was the person he was, and that person was loud and jovial and talkative.

He only wasn’t right because he wasn’t Asher. And Asher was who I really wanted.

I looked around the room again, and spotted more familiar faces now. Some of the hockey team had turned up after all. One of them spotted me looking, and nodded his head in greeting. I nodded back.

I thought they might come over to chat. They’d always seemed welcoming when I was with Asher.

But the nod was the only acknowledgement I received.

They had to know about the breakup. I supposed they would have had to pick sides, and Asher would be their first choice for obvious reasons.

Still it kind of hurt to be disregarded so fully.

Alone in this corner, I felt… lonely.

Maybe joining Lamar would help, but I doubted it. This evening wasn’t about me, but Lamar. He deserved the attention and I wouldn’t want to take any of it away just because I was feeling a little lonesome.

But I was feeling lonesome, whether it was warranted or not.

And the longer the hockey team ignored me, the guiltier I felt too.

I shouldn’t have made Asher leave this party. He had most likely came here to spend time with his friends, his team, and I got in the way of that. Why? So I didn’t have to think about him?

That was selfish.

What I needed to do was go over to the hockey team and ask them to encourage Asher to return. Actually, that didn’t feel like enough. What I needed to do was go apologize to him myself.

Just because Asher was incapable of apologies didn’t mean I had to be. And in this case, I’d been very wrong. Asher deserved fun just as much as me.

Just because I was mad at him didn’t mean he needed to spend every moment in misery.

Yes, I would go to his door, knock, and ask him to come back to the party. I would apologize for making him leave, and walk away. That would be that.

We wouldn’t need to stretch it out. I’d escape before anything else could be said. I wouldn’t be pulled into yet another argument.

Plan decided, I pushed myself to my feet.

Some of the hockey team glanced at me as I passed by, but when I tried to meet their gazes, they looked away again.

I frowned and attempted to push down the hurt. They were Asher’s friends, not mine. It made sense for them to ignore me.

I forced my legs to move faster. Maybe if I got Asher back to this party, they would feel better about seeing me here.

Yet just as I was about to reach the entrance to the lounge, Joseph stepped directly into my path.

“There you are, Cynthia. I’ve been looking for you.”