Chapter 158

Asher has no respect for you.

The words struck me like a blow, and though we continued our date, never bringing up Asher again, those words clung to me the rest of the night.

Even after I went home, where I changed and rested in my bed, the words – the implication – haunted me. They were things I had suspected, but to hear someone else point it out.

I thought back on my memories with Asher and tried to reimagine them from his perspective, as if he truly never cared for me. Never respected me.

All of his rescues could be reasoned away by remembering his promise to Dylan. He didn’t need to truly care about me to want to protect me.

And the mating bond could be one-sided. Asher had seemed tired when I saw him, but that could have been for any reason. I had no cause to believe he was suffering like I was.

Yet if he truly didn’t care at all, why was I the one who could calm him and his wolf when he lost control?

There were other instances, too, of Asher staying with me when he didn’t have to, when I felt scared. He had gone above and beyond the promise he’d made to Dylan on so many occasions. It felt impossible for those to all be lies.

But if they weren’t lies, that meant Asher did care for me. Which made our breakup even, impossibly, sadder.

We cared about each other but Asher’s Alpha nature got in the way. And maybe we were both too stubborn.

I closed my eyes to fight back the tears. We cared about each other, and tried, and still couldn’t make it work. That spoke volumes. We just weren’t compatible.

“Don’t cry,” Asher’s voice said.

I opened my eyes and found my apparition of Asher on the bed beside me. His head rested on the second pillow, though it made no indentation from weight. His arms rested closely to my own but did not touch.

“I hate it when you cry,” he said. Or, I made him say, somewhere subconsciously in my mind.

“You don’t mean that. You are only saying what I want to hear.”

“You know me, Cynthia. Better than anyone.”

I couldn’t believe that to be true.

I clutched at my aching chest. This closeness, even if Asher wasn’t real, was hurting me. I knew I should send him away, but I didn’t want him to go. Selfishly, I wanted Asher near me, however I could have him.

I missed him so much.

Slowly, gently, I lifted my hand. Daring to do what I rarely did while we had actually been together, I reached out toward his face to cup his cheek. I hovered just above his glowing skin, trying to imagine Asher’s warmth.

I felt nothing, of course.

Accidently, my thumb twitched and it vanished beyond the lines of the apparition, disappearing under the skin for just a moment. But it had been enough to remind me this wasn’t real.

My apparitions couldn’t feel or touch or give off heat. It was an illusion, and I was a masochist for making it stay.

For holding onto Asher when I should let him go.

Lamar was nice. Courteous and patient. If I focused my heart on him instead, maybe I would have a chance at happiness, however slight.

Asher and I seemed meant to only hurt each other.

Heart breaking, I whispered, “Goodbye, Asher,” and released the projection.

The apparition of Asher immediately vanished and the light around me dimmed.

First thing the next morning, I called Lamar on the phone.

He answered first with a yawn, and then with a groggy, “Hello?”

Guilt immediately washed over me. I should have remembered Lamar was more of a night owl than a morning person. He wasn’t like Asher who I could contact at any time and knew he’d answer.

I scolded myself mentally for not considering Lamar’s preferences, and for thinking of Asher at a time like this.

“Sorry, Lamar. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Cynthia? What time is it…? Oh… Okay. Well, I’m awake now. What’s up? Everything okay?” He exhaled deeply.

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I couldn’t wait to apologize to you.”

“We’ve talked about this more than once, Cynthia. You don’t owe me any apologies.” He laughed, though it wasn’t quite as boisterous as usual. “Maybe I should start charging you a nickel for every apology. Be a millionaire by the end of the year.”

I bristled at the teasing, but pressed forward. “What we talked about bothered me all night. I can’t believe I’ve been acting like I have. So from here on, I’m determined not to bring up Asher ever again when we’re together.”

“You don’t have to make promises like that. Really, it’s fine.”

He’d said this before but it still surprised me. How could he be so relaxed about the person he was dating talking about another man? He’d said he accepted being the rebound, but it still seemed like too much.

“It wasn’t fair to you,” I said. I felt like I was arguing on his behalf. If he thought I deserved someone who respected me, well, he deserved that too.

Plus, a small part of me hoped he would get even a little jealous. Asher would have.

Lamar was just built differently, I guessed. There was nothing wrong with that, but…

A pang of longing echoed in my ribcage. I tried to muffle it.

Lamar was a perfect gentleman.

“Too perfect,” Lilith whispered.

I shushed her.

“What’s that?” Lamar asked.

“Nothing, sorry…”

“Ah. There’s another nickel,” Lamar said. He seemed more awake now. His smile was clear in his voice.

“Lamar,” I chided, embarrassed.

He laughed.

After hanging up with Lamar, I headed for the library to begin my daily study session. Aimee and Nicole met me after about an hour or so, and for a while we focused on reviewing some potential questions from a practice test.

I miserably failed the first attempt, but going over the answers helped wedge them into my brain. I wasn’t so likely to forget them moving forward.

On the hour, we took our five-minute breather.

Nicole, who had seemed to be barely constraining her energy all morning, finally exploded with excitement. “Tell us about your date.”

Aimee was much more reserved, but still patiently listened as I described the highlights of last night and then our phone call this morning. I omitted how Asher had shown up at my door. My feelings from that felt too raw still, to share.

“Gosh, Lamar’s so understanding,” Nicole said, stars in her eyes.

Aimee wasn’t as taken. “I don’t know, Cynthia. The way you talk about him doesn’t feel right.”

“Go easy, Aimee,” Nicole hushed.

But Aimee pressed on. “You keep talking about how courteous and polite he is. That’s how my mom talks about the neighbor, not someone she wants to date. Are you even into this guy, really?”

I knew what she was saying, and appreciated her honesty, even if Nicole, glaring, didn’t.

“He has nothing but good qualities,” I said. “Things I should want in a person. Sure, there are some things that don’t quite fit with me. I wish he got a bit more jealous, and I don’t like that he teases me for apologizing. But I can change.”

Nicole’s glare eased up some. “’Change?’”

“You shouldn’t have to change,” Aimee said.

“He’s a good person. So I need to be better to match him.”

Aimee slid her hand across the table toward me, stopping me before I could say anything more.

“Cynthia,” she said in full seriousness. “That is not how relationships are supposed to be.”