Chapter 156

The whispers about me in the hallways and around campus slowly diminished as the novelty of my pregnancy reveal wore off and some other scandal became the talk of the school. I was relieved, because this meant I could really focus on studying.

I needed the extra concentration, because studying was getting more difficult.

In class, when the professor explained things, I was able to understand. However, when trying to learn the new material on my own in the library, I couldn’t always grasp what the textbooks were saying.

Aimee and Nicole helped, breaking things down in a way that seemed easier to comprehend, but I didn’t want to fully depend on them. They couldn’t always be there for me, like when I would be taking the exam.

To succeed, I had to be able to stand on my own.

I began taking more copious notes. Then I made notes from my notes, further breaking down ideas and principals. I continued, layer after layer, until I uncovered the core of each lesson I struggled with. From there, I rebuilt the idea. Understanding the core helped me understand the whole.

It was a lengthy, tedious kind of learning, but it truly helped. If this was what was necessary to pass the transfer exam, then I would do it. I just had to buy more notebooks and index cards.

As Aimee suggested, I took a five to ten minute break every hour to rest my eyes and my brain, and my writing hand. These breathers were important, I knew that, but I still dreaded them.

When I wasn’t studying, I was thinking about Asher. I wished he was here. I wished he was more supportive. Even if Asher truly believed it impossible, if he’d only tried to help me instead of cutting me down, we could have worked through this.

It didn’t matter now. What happened, happened. And Asher still hadn’t apologized.

I checked for texts and missed calls every break. But there were never any from him.

Toward the end of the day, when I was worn down, I opened a text to Asher myself and began to type.

Maybe we should talk. If you would apologize then I…

I stared at the unfinished words for a moment, and then I deleted them. Asher would never apologize if he believed in something strongly enough.

Not even for me.

I closed my messenger and set down my phone.

What would I even have done if he replied? I had a date with Lamar tonight. I was forcing myself to move forward. Opening back up to Asher, giving him the chance to try to control me, would only be steps backwards.

I studied for a little while longer until my mind felt so full I couldn’t possibly cram any more knowledge into it today. Then I packed my bag and headed for my dorm room to get ready for my date.

I changed into a cute ruffled skirt and a jean jacket over a white tank top, and slipped on my ankle boots.

I glanced at my phone. Then, shaking my head, I crossed my room to apply my makeup in the mirror.

The closer it drew toward my date, the more I desperately hoped Asher would call.

Nothing about this felt right. Despite the hurtful things I had said to Asher, he was the only one I wanted to date and hold and kiss. Lamar was nice, but the thought of being intimate him made me want to shrivel up.

Maybe, in time…

No. Asher didn’t respect me. I had to be strong. I had to stick to my original impulse. If I gave into him now, I would never forgive myself and I would grow to resent him.

It was better that we were broken up, and that I was going out with Lamar.

Determined, I finished my makeup. My eyeliner wasn’t totally straight, thanks to my slightly trembling hands, but no one would be able to tell unless they were very close to my face.

I could do this. I would go out with Lamar and have a good time.

A knock sounded on my door. I checked the clock. Lamar was a few minutes early.

I didn’t think much of it as I went to the door and pulled it open. Yet when I took in the figure just outside of it, my entire body froze, except for my heart, which lurched in my chest.

Asher looked even worse up close. He seemed so very exhausted, like he hadn’t slept in several days. His expressionless mask was firmly in place, which didn’t alarm me, but his eyes were all wrong.

Usually they held some emotion, even if it was only a chill. Right now, they seemed entirely vacant.

I was so surprised by his appearance that I didn’t say anything for a while, just gawked up at him.

He stared steadily at me for just as long. Then, he spoke first. “Can we talk?”

I wanted nothing more than to step back and let him inside, to hear him out and forgive him immediately. But because I knew I lacked such self-control when it came to him, I decided it best to keep him in the hallway with the door half-closed between us.

“What do you want, Asher?” I asked, finally finding my voice. “Are you here to apologize?”

“No,” he said. “But if I could explain –”

“Are you going to take back what you said?” I asked. I couldn’t let myself listen to his reasoning. It would only confuse me. I wanted him so badly, I was ready to forgive him the whole world, but I refused to do it if he wouldn’t apologize.

That was my line in the sand.

“I wasn’t wrong about what I said.” Asher straightened a bit, standing at his full height. “But I could have said it nicer.”

“You think that’s the problem here? That you didn’t disrespect me nicely enough?”

“I did not intend to disrespect you at all.”

“But you did. If you would acknowledge that –”

“It’s not my fault that you misunderstood what I said.” A spark returned to his eyes, thank God. Unfortunately, it was borne of anger and made me furious.

“If this is an attempt to make up, you are doing a poor job of it,” I snapped, half-ready to slam the door in his stubborn, handsome face.

“You aren’t giving me the chance to defend myself.”

“Then defend yourself, Asher. Because all I hear is you blaming me for being offended.”

He closed his mouth. Opened it. Closed it again.

I was giving him the chance now, and he wasn’t saying anything.

“Asher.” My disappointment was palpable. I missed him so much. If he had good reasons, I would hear him out. But if he couldn’t even say them… “Say something.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I just wanted you to see reason.”

“And I wanted your support, whether you believed in me or not.”

Were those two wants truly so incompatible? Was the gorge between us so wide that we couldn’t build a bridge across?

“I can’t lie to you,” Asher said. “Why would I waste both our time?”

Clutching the door, I closed my eyes and exhaled.

We were talking in circles. This was getting us nowhere.

“I’m messing this up again,” Asher said. “Cynthia–”

“Well, I certainly didn’t expect to find the ex on my date’s doorstep, but I guess it keeps things interesting.”

My eyes snapped open as my stomach dropped. Behind Asher, Lamar approached.

“Evening, Cynthia. Asher.”

Asher looked from me to Lamar. He frowned. “’Date?’”