Chapter 154

Lilith thought I was fighting against my true feelings. Maybe she was right. But that didn’t mean I would stop.

“Asher hurt me,” I said. “Both with his skepticism of my ability, and the other things he said. How can I be with someone who doesn’t respect me? I’m not sure we even knew who he really was.”

“You need to trust your body and your heart,” Lilith said. “You love him.”

“I love who I thought he was, not who he is. Besides, isn’t my mind just as important? He wants to control me, Lilith. He doesn’t care about what I want.”

My heart cracked and fresh tears fell. I was so tired of crying! “I’m done being treated like I’m just a pawn in other people’s games. Joseph did that to me, too. I had thought Asher was better than that, but I was wrong.”

The tears came hard, making my whole body tremble under the force. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed.

I wasn’t over Asher at all. Not even a little. Everything hurt. My chest was on fire. Even my fingertips tingled.

I wanted him here. I wanted him to hold me. But that was impossible.

I fell onto the bed and buried my face into the covers.

“I’m sorry,” Lilith whispered and offered me what comfort she could. “I’m sorry for causing you such hurt.”

“It’s not you,” I sniffled. It was Asher. It was all Asher.

I cried for a while, as Lilith pressed warmth into me to calm me. I appreciated her efforts, but I didn’t know if anything could help me now, like this.

Unless Asher himself walked through the door and told me everything was a giant misunderstanding. That he hadn’t meant any of it. Maybe he’d been paid to say those things to me, or tricked?

But I knew that was impossible. Asher would not let himself be influenced by outside forces. The things he said were things he meant. And thusly, he would never take them back.

He would never apologize.

“I don’t… agree with these choices,” Lilith said. “But I cannot idle while you feel such torture.”

I wiped my nose with the back of my sleeve. I didn’t know where my tissues were. I was too much of a mess to even begin to look for them.

“If you truly believe that dating Lamar will help you feel less… of this. Then so be it.”

“I don’t know if it will help,” I admitted. “When I’m with him, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. But… shouldn’t I try? If there’s even a small chance?”

After all, Asher told me to ‘go ahead’ when I said I would date other people. Had all of his previous bouts of jealousy just been an act?

Did he even truly care about me at all?

I reflected on all the moments we shared. The kinder, tender moments, like the way he held me when I was scared, or the way he always seemed to find me when I needed him. Or the heated moments, when our bodies spoke more than words did.

Had every moment been a lie?

And if it had been, then why?

Why pretend to be fond of me? Why hold me and protect me? It couldn’t all have been because he’d promised Dylan to watch out for me. He went far above and beyond that vow.

Maybe there was no reason. Maybe he just wanted to build me up, make me love him, to watch me fall apart.

“You don’t truly believe that,” Lilith whispered.

“There must be a reason.”

“Maybe he was hurt,” Lilith said. “Like you.”

I adamantly refused to believe that. Nothing could hurt Asher, especially not me. Besides, he’d made the first cut by not believing in me.

“Rest. You are tired and not thinking clearly.”

I was loathe to admit it, but in this, Lilith was right. With her help, I cleared my mind as best I could. I cried a little longer, but then my body was totally exhausted.

It didn’t take much for me to drift off into a restless slumber.

I awoke at three in the morning to a dark, too-quiet room. My worries and thought returned. I tossed and turned, but I could not be free of them this time.

Frustrated, I grabbed my phone. I scrolled through some apps for a while, but that didn’t seem to help.

An ache was growing in my chest. Soon, I’d have another shoot of pain from the mating bond.

Not knowing what else to do, I opened a text to Lamar. Are you up? I hit send.

I hadn’t expected a reply, really. It felt like a foolhardy attempt to distract from the pain, one I’d have a hard time explaining in the morning.

So I nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone rang.

The screen read Lamar.

I accepted the call. “Hello?”

“I’m up,” he said, though there was a yawn in his voice. “But why are you?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” I admitted. “Are you sure I’m not keeping you awake? I can –”

“Don’t worry. I always stay up late. I’m kind of a night owl.”

“Okay.” That helped me feel a little better.

“So why can’t you sleep?” he asked. When I didn’t answer right away, he added, “Can I guess?”

“Go ahead.” It might be easier this way, without me having to say things aloud. If he could guess correctly, that was…

“You miss Asher.”

I blinked, surprised. I had thought it would take a bit longer than that for him to hit the mark.

He laughed some, but it was gentle, not biting. “I’m the rebound, remember? I know my role. The girl calls when she misses her ex.”

“I’m sorry,” I said instantly. When he put it like that, it made me feel like the worst kind of person. Was I just using him? He couldn’t be okay with that.

“Relax, Cynthia. I’m cool, I promise. Though honestly, I’m starting to like Asher less and less. He must have really pulled a number on you, for you to be this hung up on him.”

I didn’t want to tell him about the mating bond. “Something like that.”

“Yeah, I figured. He’s not still bothering you or anything, is he?”

“No,” I said quickly. “He hasn’t contacted me at all since…” Even without saying the word breakup, a flash of pain burned in my chest.

“That’s got to hurt too.” He didn’t wait for a reply. “Man, next time I see that guy, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. He’s bigger than me, sure, and kind of scary, honestly, but –”

“He’s not scary,” I said, defending him on reflex. When I realized what I’d done, I frowned at myself. Asher wasn’t mine to defend anymore. And he could be scary to other people, with that cold stare and expressionless face.

He didn’t scare me, but things had been different between us.

“Sorry,” I said, realizing I cut off Lamar.

He laughed again, sadder. “Someday I’ll convince you that you don’t have to keep apologizing.”

Someday maybe, but not today.

“Hey, let’s talk about something brighter, yeah? No more sad thoughts,” Lamar said.

I was desperate for that. “What did you have in mind?”

“Our date,” he said. “How about we go out tonight? Er, tomorrow night? No, tonight, since it’s already what? Four in the morning?”

“Tonight?” That seemed pretty soon. But then, maybe sooner was better.

Anything to help quash this lingering pain.

“Yeah.” His voice held a smile. I could almost see it in my mind, welcoming and warm. “What do you say?”