Chapter 153

“Does this mean you will go on a date with me?” Lamar asked me.

The rest of the world faded away, and only this question existed.

Did I want to go on a romantic date with him? No, not really. For better or worse, the person I wanted was Asher.

When I closed my eyes, I could see his frosty blue gaze. I could feel the soft press of his lips to the side of my neck. I still had a few marks, though they were faded.

But Asher hadn’t apologized for all the terrible things he had said. He hadn’t approached me at all, in text or person or phone call.

The things he had said were cruel, and even an apology wouldn’t fix the hurt he had caused by not believing in me.

I still wanted him so badly that my body physically ached to be near him.

Which was exactly why I had to stay away, why I had to move on.

So I swallowed down my feelings for Asher, and told Lamar, “Okay.”

“Okay?” His expression lit up instantly, like I’d given him some kind of special gift. “You mean it?”

I had to move on for my sake, and for Asher’s too. He’d made his feelings clear. Nobody would want some lovesick fool chasing after them when they felt nothing in return.

Remembering the way he had held me made me shudder. Hadn’t he chased me after I found him with another girl? We made promises not to date anyone else.

Had that all been a lie?

I shook my head. It didn’t matter now.

Especially with Lamar waiting on my response.

“Just a date,” I said. “It doesn’t mean we’re a couple yet.”

“I understand.” His sunshine expression did not dim. “Oh, Cynthia. You’ve made me so happy.”

I tried to force a smile. I knew I was making the right choice, but… it was difficult. I felt guilty instead, unable to generate the same level of enthusiasm as Lamar. But he didn’t seem to mind.

Still, for both of our benefits, I tried to be content, if I couldn’t be happy.

“Is your hand cold?” Lamar asked. He lifted his hand into the space between us and waggled his fingers. “I know the perfect cure for that.”

“You are ridiculous,” I said, feeling lighter. I placed my palm to his. His fingers curled around the back of my hand.

His fingers were softer than Asher’s, with not as many callouses.

“Yeah, but I think you like that about me,” he said.

He wasn’t entirely wrong. His ability to make me laugh seemed to be the only thing that could tamper down the pain from my breaking mating bond.

Nicole caught up with Aimee at the exit of the food line, and they found a table. When they were settled, Lamar and I walked over to join them. Both girls immediately zeroed in on our held hands.

Nicole smirked, seemingly pleased. Aimee lowered her face, hiding her expression.

Lamar released my hand to pull back my chair for me. Once we sat, he took my hand again.

The next time a bout of pain shot through my heart, I squeezed his hand. He smiled at me, and the burning ache slowly ebbed.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was something.

That had to be enough.

After we said our goodbyes, I walked alone to my dorm room. It was late so I decided to call it a night and forget about studying until tomorrow.

Instead, I decided to practice my projection ability. I had another appointment with Nurse Irene next week, and I wanted to have a better showing than my last attempt.

Before, I hadn’t been able to hold any projection. Nurse Irene had blamed my breaking mating bond. Maybe she was right. But I was determined now not to let such things get in the way of my life.

I’d pass the transfer exam. I’d date whoever I wanted. And I’d learn how to project again.

I changed into my pajamas, to be comfortable. If I could relax my body, maybe this would be easier.

But who should I make an apparition of? Asher was out. I loved Nicole and Aimee, but I could never get them quite right when I tried.

Maybe I should try to project Lamar.

Why not? We were dating now, casually. If Asher was so easy for me to create in so short a time, then Lamar should be simple now too.

I stood at the end of my bed and closed my eyes. I thought of Lamar, of his brown hair tucked behind his ears. Of his freckles. His wide, friendly smile. I thought of the softness of his hand, and how excited he was when I agreed to a date.

Gathering all of my memories of him, I tried to force them together into a form and pushed that form outward. I felt… something, like a fizzle or a spark. It wasn’t as strong as when I usually made an apparition, but it hadn’t been nothing.

I peeked open one eye, nervous, and was instantly disappointed. There was no apparition in sight.

Sighing, I closed my eyes again and tried once more, harder. I really focused on his freckles and the curve of his nose, the shape of his lips.

But… without him in front of me, I couldn’t quite remember the exact look of him. I didn’t even know the color of his eyes.

Too quickly, the jumbled image I’d been trying to compile in my head faded away. It was no use.

In the sudden blankness in my thoughts, a new figure formed, one comfortable and familiar. Someone whose face I knew so dearly I could sculpt it in clay or paint it in oils. Or project without much effort.

When I opened my eyes, an apparition of Asher stood before me. His edges flickered, unsteady, but his glow was as strong as ever. His expression was passive but his eyes were soft.

“I miss you,” he said to me, and the sound of his voice sent shivers through me. His words were only my wishful thinking, I knew that.

But I couldn’t help from replying, “I miss you too.” Tears welled in my eyes. “Why won’t you just apologize?”

“I don’t think I’m wrong,” he said.

Even from a projection that I was controlling, the words still hurt, cutting down into the deepest parts of me where I was learning our mating bond harbored.

“Cyn,” he said, and a sob escaped me. “You haven’t apologized either.”

I shook my head. “You’re the one who wouldn’t believe in me. If you did, if you wanted to help me instead of trying to get me to hold myself back… Asher, you ruined everything that we had. Do you even care?”

He didn’t answer, because I didn’t want him to. What he would say, I knew, was no. But I couldn’t bring myself to have him say it. I couldn’t face it, even with him as only a projection.

I closed my eyes, ready to break the projection. Just as I pulled the strings in my mind to make him dissipate, I heard his voice.

“I care.”

I opened my eyes, but he was gone.

I could have brought him back if I wanted, but… no. I’d indulged more than I should have. I needed to move past him. I felt guilty for creating him at all.

Lamar was who I was dating now. I needed to try to spend more time thinking of him.

My chest ached in disagreement.

In my head, Lilith voiced hers, “Why must you fight so hard against your true feelings?”