Chapter 150

Now that Nurse Irene mentioned I would feel discomfort from the broken mating bond, I began to notice random bursts of slight pain in my chest. They were made worse when I thought of Asher.

I had discredited them earlier as a simple burst of heartbreak. Now I wondered if there was more to it.

I had one such attack while I was in the library studying with Aimee.

The studying so far had been going well, though most of what we’d gone over I’d already had thoroughly drilled into my head curtesy of one passionate high school English teacher. Soon we’d start covering newer material, however, which made me nervous.

But it wasn’t nervousness that sent a pang through my chest. I placed a hand over my heart and pressed down to soothe away the pain.

Aimee, glancing up from her own textbook, noticed right away. “What’s wrong?” she whispered to keep from gaining the ire of the watchful librarian.

I didn’t want her to worry so I waved away her concern. “Heartburn,” I lied.

That answer seemed to satisfying her, and for a while we returned to studying. Aimee wrote down a few notes for me, on things she thought I should remember. I thanked her.

Ten minutes later, my heart ached again. I winced.

“Cynthia?” Aimee asked.

“Just heartburn.”

She seemed less convinced this time. The worry continued crinkling her brow, even as she lowered her gaze back down to the textbook.

“It will get worse,” Lilith said in my mind, “the longer we are away from him.”

It was annoying enough now. I didn’t want to think about how it would feel if it was worse.

Maybe it was time to seriously consider hanging out with Lamar. We’d traded numbers after our first meeting. So far he’d only messaged me once, to send me a ‘hang in there’ cat meme.

Shaking the thoughts away, I focused on my studies until we both closed our textbooks for a break. Aimee was insistent that consistent breaks were necessary so that the information we read could sink in. I was happy either way to rest my eyes and take a breather.

But with the break, my thoughts returned to Asher, the mating bond, and to Lamar.

“Aimee,” I whispered, getting her attention. “Do you know Lamar? I’m pretty sure he’s an athlete.”

“I’m not sure. Why?”

“No reason,” I said too quickly. When she continued to look at me expectantly, I ammended, “I think he asked me out.”

Disapproval immediately darkened Aimee’s face. “Weren’t you going to stay single for a while?”

“I am,” I said, “But things have gotten complicated.”

“Complicated how?”

I slumped a little. “How much do you know about mating bonds?”

She gasped. “I knew it!”

The librarian looked up from her desk and shushed us.

Aimee lowered both her head and her voice. “That’s what’s happening to you, isn’t it? You are feeling pain from the bond straining.”

I nodded. “That’s what Nurse Irene thought. But she also said that I could get it to ease up a little if I tried to move on.”

Aimee frowned. “She said that? I’ve never heard that.”

“I need your support, Aimee.” I was feeling pretty low. Between the breakup and the pain, I didn’t know how to make myself feel okay again. If there was even a chance that hanging out with Lamar would help… “Besides, I don’t want to date him. I only agreed to hang out as friends.”

“I’m not sure, Cynthia. How well do you know this guy?”

He’d said all the right things when I had met him, and he had a kind smile. But admittedly, “Not that well. We only talked once.”

“Then maybe you should do something public. Somewhere you can get away from him if he’s too much.” Her frown deepened. “But I’m still not sure about it. Are you positive this is something you want?”

It wasn’t. Not really.

I wanted Asher. I missed his hugs and his voice. The way he always skipped the greetings on the phone. I missed his smell of leather and pine, and the way he said my name like I was the most important person in the world.

But I couldn’t have what I wanted. Because the Asher I loved didn’t actually exist. The real Asher had no respect for me at all and only wanted to control my life.

To keep from this pain, to bury it, I had to try to find someone else.

Whoever that may be.

“I suppose if you hung out just as friends, there wouldn’t be any harm,” Aimee said, after some thought. “If you are sure…”

I nodded, and together we opened our textbooks again.

Pain or no pain, the transfer exam remained my top priority.

However, missing Asher, or at least my idea of him, was a close second.

Taking Aimee’s advice, I decided to hang out with Lamar at a public event I could arrive to and leave from at any time. Football games always attracted a ton of people, students and otherwise, though since the stadium was so large, tickets usually didn’t fully sell out.

I bought my own ticket and my own concessions, and eventually made my way to find Lamar already standing in the packed student section. He made room for me as I came near, shuffling to one side.

It was a pleasant evening, and I didn’t feel much pressure, since we could watch the game instead of each other. Also, as the game unfolded, there was always something to talk about.

Down on the field, I watched Nicole and the other cheerleaders perform the routines I knew so well, and my heart ached for reasons unrelated to Asher.

Lamar nudged me, shoulder to shoulder. He was shorter than Asher, only a few inches taller than me.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “You’ll be back out there soon.”

His support helped ease the heartache, and I sighed in relief. Maybe there was something to this, after all. “Thank you.”

He flashed me a smile. “You’ve been studying hard. Every time I text you, you’re at the library. I’d be surprised if they even make you take the exam. They should just give you the passing score.”

That was, of course, impossible, but it made me chuckle. Then I startled. That had been my first real smile since Asher and I had…

The good feelings vanished in an instant, and my heart clenched. I pressed my hand to it. It hurt a little worse than before.

As I closed my eyes, I wished Asher was beside me. He would hold me and tell me everything was okay, and I would believe him.

At least, I would have. Before.

“You alright? You went pale all the sudden.”

I didn’t want to worry Lamar. I also didn’t want to explain myself. Fortunately, the pain unraveled at just that moment.

“I’m okay,” I said. “That happens sometimes. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize or explain,” Lamar said. “But it scared me.”

He was such a kind person. I wished I could care for him more than I did. Maybe I would be able to someday.

Maybe… if Asher…

I sighed.

“You are thinking about Asher, aren’t you?” Lamar said.

Breath catching, I looked up at him with wide eyes.

He gave a casual shrug. “I was at some of the same parties as you two.” He flashed a kind smile as he added, “I bet you didn’t even notice me.”

“I’m sorry,” I started at once, but he stopped me with a raised hand.

“Look, I know I’m a rebound for you. And Asher left a huge hole to fill. The guy is basically a god around here. You don’t have to apologize or explain.”

Even though he said I didn’t have to apologize, I felt it necessary again. “I’m sorry.”

He laughed. “Cynthia, I’m just happy to spend time with you. As friends. As more than friends. Anything in between. It’s all good. Whatever you want.”

I couldn’t possibly comprehend his compassion and understanding. It made me want to try to push him away, to see what would happen. He almost seemed too good to be true.

“I might always have feelings for Asher,” I admitted.

“I know.” He didn’t miss a beat. His smile didn’t falter. He… was being genuine?

I blinked. Maybe it was too early for him to be jealous, but it seemed so strange. Lamar was so different from Asher.

It was refreshing but it was also… off, in a way.

Maybe I liked a little jealousy. Especially when it had come from Asher.

If only Asher hadn’t said those things…

But he had.

My heart ached again. This time, Lamar didn’t notice because at the same moment, our team scored a touchdown and everyone cheered.